I have to apolgize now...i am posting from my phone so they're will likely be errors...please forgive me.
things have been going so well the past few months. My nipple seemed to heal up following the biopsy and my pain was minimal. My supply has been doing well enough that I was a few days ahead with milk before thanksgiving. All just seemed so easy...
pain. As soon as I felt it, I knew what I would see. I shouldn't even had been surprised but you can't help it...your milk is not supposed to be full of blood. But here I am again...
can't call dr. P's office...i owe them so much money. Can't call k as she would tell me to call dr. p. So I do nothing. Nothing I can do and nothing they can do...
so well wait and see what happens :(
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Download...75% complete
Errrr, rather my pumping is!
Just last week, I was able to celebrate the 9 wonderful months I have been blessed with my amazing baby boy as well as my own success of 9 months of nursing :) Don't mind if I pat myself on the back.
9 months is kinda a big deal. It's 3/4 of the way to my goal. It's 3/4 further than I would have expected myself to be. It's 3/4 past where I was told I would be not so long ago.
I feel like I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately...all of what I have been though and all I have done to get to where I am today with Meatball. I truly do feel like I have beaten the odds. I feel like a success. I feel strong and motivated. I feel like I have done my best and overcome challenges I never foresaw and I have kicked ass doing it. I feel proud.
This journey has been so amazing. Full of such emotion, dedication, and tears. I don't think I could have ever predicted what this was going to be like. I started this journey 9 months ago armed with as much knowledge as I could be but I wasn't prepared. I don't think I could have ever been prepared. Who could have guessed this journey would have taken me through all of the hoops I had to go through? 9 months ago, I thought my biggest challenge was going to be my supply issues. Little did I know...
So looking back on these 9 months, I am starting to let go of the "failure" feelings I used to be so overcome by. I am starting to let go of the tears of sadness. I am starting to stop beating myself down for what I couldn't do and really consciously trying to celebrate myself for what I have done.
Each day is still a journey. I am not "downloaded" quite yet. I still have to pop my 9 pills a day and spray my nose spray 3 times a day to reach this goal. At this point, those are the easy parts. The most difficult challenges I face daily are ones I create on my own. To complete this "downloading" process, I need to continue to celebrate and pat myself on the back each day...
I started this journey as a sprint I feel like. I thought if I just go through those first couple of weeks, it would all be so easy. BF just hasn't been that way for me. I have found myself in the middle of this emotional marathon...just wanting to do the best I can do for Meatball.
And in reality, this marathon isn't going to be over in 9 months, I won't be totally "downloaded", it won't be time to take a break because motherhood is what I really was hurdling though this whole time. Even though so much of it was related to BFAR and my journey to BF, it all comes back to just being a mother and learning how to work though challenges and always keep the end in mind...the well-being of the child.
Once my breastfeeding "downloads", some new challenge with come along. Something else will make me question myself, my decisions, my abilities and push me to my limits because I want to do what's best for Meatball. So, I am trying to turn a new leaf to acknowledge much more of the positives as I continue in this motherhood journey...
I just might need reminders every now and again :)
Just last week, I was able to celebrate the 9 wonderful months I have been blessed with my amazing baby boy as well as my own success of 9 months of nursing :) Don't mind if I pat myself on the back.
9 months is kinda a big deal. It's 3/4 of the way to my goal. It's 3/4 further than I would have expected myself to be. It's 3/4 past where I was told I would be not so long ago.
I feel like I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately...all of what I have been though and all I have done to get to where I am today with Meatball. I truly do feel like I have beaten the odds. I feel like a success. I feel strong and motivated. I feel like I have done my best and overcome challenges I never foresaw and I have kicked ass doing it. I feel proud.
This journey has been so amazing. Full of such emotion, dedication, and tears. I don't think I could have ever predicted what this was going to be like. I started this journey 9 months ago armed with as much knowledge as I could be but I wasn't prepared. I don't think I could have ever been prepared. Who could have guessed this journey would have taken me through all of the hoops I had to go through? 9 months ago, I thought my biggest challenge was going to be my supply issues. Little did I know...
So looking back on these 9 months, I am starting to let go of the "failure" feelings I used to be so overcome by. I am starting to let go of the tears of sadness. I am starting to stop beating myself down for what I couldn't do and really consciously trying to celebrate myself for what I have done.
Each day is still a journey. I am not "downloaded" quite yet. I still have to pop my 9 pills a day and spray my nose spray 3 times a day to reach this goal. At this point, those are the easy parts. The most difficult challenges I face daily are ones I create on my own. To complete this "downloading" process, I need to continue to celebrate and pat myself on the back each day...
I started this journey as a sprint I feel like. I thought if I just go through those first couple of weeks, it would all be so easy. BF just hasn't been that way for me. I have found myself in the middle of this emotional marathon...just wanting to do the best I can do for Meatball.
And in reality, this marathon isn't going to be over in 9 months, I won't be totally "downloaded", it won't be time to take a break because motherhood is what I really was hurdling though this whole time. Even though so much of it was related to BFAR and my journey to BF, it all comes back to just being a mother and learning how to work though challenges and always keep the end in mind...the well-being of the child.
Once my breastfeeding "downloads", some new challenge with come along. Something else will make me question myself, my decisions, my abilities and push me to my limits because I want to do what's best for Meatball. So, I am trying to turn a new leaf to acknowledge much more of the positives as I continue in this motherhood journey...
I just might need reminders every now and again :)
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Suppose I have become a "monthly blogger"
Seems I am just not able to keep up with the working full-time, pumping while at work, mommy, and wife thing...and plus blogging. Something has got to give and blogging seems to be put on the back burner more often than I would like.
The past month has been an uneventful one for me...and that's just dandy in my opinion. Last thing this momma needs is to add events into her life...especially with BF. Think I can safely say I already have had enough of those!
With that said, I am just about at 8.5 months of BF. I have had some ups and downs recently but as of right now, things are great! I had a huge supply dip a few weeks ago and I was only bringing home about 5 oz. I just couldn't keep up with the small 10 oz I need each day for Meatball while I am working. I would pump a few times at work and then several times while I was at home...and still was short of the 10 oz. My self-esteem dropped quickly and I began to doubt myself and my ability to do one of the most natural things a mother could ever do...even with formula supplementing, I was not able to provide the 10 oz of BM Meatball needed. Went through just a week or so of depression and feeling sorry for myself.
But I don't let those things stop me! No way! I kept trucking and suddenly got a little boost in supply! It went from having just an ounce extra in the fridge to having double of what I needed! I was a full day ahead in BM! Some may think that's not a big deal but not this momma!
Shockingly (haha), I got a little sentimental about it all last night. I wanted to blog but then I decided it would likely be too emotional so I just soaked it all up internally and decided to share it today...
Not many know about my journey to EBF. Those that do know about it, likely don't understand. They don't get my dedication, my drive, my purpose. They don't know what it's like to be told so many times by multiple healthcare providers that I would not be able to provide for my child. They don't know what it's like to want to provide and want to prove them wrong and then they end up being right in the end. They don't know what it's like to want to do the best for your child from the very start and being a failure from the minute motherhood began. But I do.
When I look back at the past 8.5 months, that's how I see it all. I just wanted (and still do) the absolute best for Meatball and I want to provide that however I can. To me, BF was one of the bests I could do for him from the minute I became a mother. And the minute I became a mother and struggled with BF, I feel like I failed.
And technically, I did. I had to supplement. I had to use nursing products to even get him to latch. I offered a bottle early on. He had weight issues since I was not nourishing him fully. All of those things can be seen as "failure" in the BF community.
Here's the difference: I didn't quit. Just because I was not able to offer Meatball the nursing relationship I so desperately wanted to, I offered to him what I could. And what I could offer was not good enough. I worked hard to offer him the best his EBF failure mother could offer. And I continue to do that. I take 9 pills a day to have any supply whatsoever. I spray pitocin up my nose several times a day. I often lose sleep so I can squeeze an extra pumping session in...all in hopes I can trick my body into thinking it can and should make more milk.
This EBF failure mom has done all that I can to provide as much BM as I can to Meatball. I started this journey 8.5 months ago thinking I would be able to provide 0% but wanting to provide 100%. Although it has changed here and there, I can say that I am now providing about 60-75% BM to Meatball. Every day. Not my 100% but far from that 0% that was predicted.
So in the end, this EBF failure mommy has proven to be anything BUT a failure.
And most important lesson here is not about the BM that I can or have provided to Meatball, but the dedication I have provided him as I journey into parenthood. I only hope he inherits my drive, dedication, and perseverance in life. It doesn't matter who understands my reasoning in this journey, just as long as Meatball understands that he is the reason I did all of this...
The past month has been an uneventful one for me...and that's just dandy in my opinion. Last thing this momma needs is to add events into her life...especially with BF. Think I can safely say I already have had enough of those!
With that said, I am just about at 8.5 months of BF. I have had some ups and downs recently but as of right now, things are great! I had a huge supply dip a few weeks ago and I was only bringing home about 5 oz. I just couldn't keep up with the small 10 oz I need each day for Meatball while I am working. I would pump a few times at work and then several times while I was at home...and still was short of the 10 oz. My self-esteem dropped quickly and I began to doubt myself and my ability to do one of the most natural things a mother could ever do...even with formula supplementing, I was not able to provide the 10 oz of BM Meatball needed. Went through just a week or so of depression and feeling sorry for myself.
But I don't let those things stop me! No way! I kept trucking and suddenly got a little boost in supply! It went from having just an ounce extra in the fridge to having double of what I needed! I was a full day ahead in BM! Some may think that's not a big deal but not this momma!
Shockingly (haha), I got a little sentimental about it all last night. I wanted to blog but then I decided it would likely be too emotional so I just soaked it all up internally and decided to share it today...
Not many know about my journey to EBF. Those that do know about it, likely don't understand. They don't get my dedication, my drive, my purpose. They don't know what it's like to be told so many times by multiple healthcare providers that I would not be able to provide for my child. They don't know what it's like to want to provide and want to prove them wrong and then they end up being right in the end. They don't know what it's like to want to do the best for your child from the very start and being a failure from the minute motherhood began. But I do.
When I look back at the past 8.5 months, that's how I see it all. I just wanted (and still do) the absolute best for Meatball and I want to provide that however I can. To me, BF was one of the bests I could do for him from the minute I became a mother. And the minute I became a mother and struggled with BF, I feel like I failed.
And technically, I did. I had to supplement. I had to use nursing products to even get him to latch. I offered a bottle early on. He had weight issues since I was not nourishing him fully. All of those things can be seen as "failure" in the BF community.
Here's the difference: I didn't quit. Just because I was not able to offer Meatball the nursing relationship I so desperately wanted to, I offered to him what I could. And what I could offer was not good enough. I worked hard to offer him the best his EBF failure mother could offer. And I continue to do that. I take 9 pills a day to have any supply whatsoever. I spray pitocin up my nose several times a day. I often lose sleep so I can squeeze an extra pumping session in...all in hopes I can trick my body into thinking it can and should make more milk.
This EBF failure mom has done all that I can to provide as much BM as I can to Meatball. I started this journey 8.5 months ago thinking I would be able to provide 0% but wanting to provide 100%. Although it has changed here and there, I can say that I am now providing about 60-75% BM to Meatball. Every day. Not my 100% but far from that 0% that was predicted.
So in the end, this EBF failure mommy has proven to be anything BUT a failure.
And most important lesson here is not about the BM that I can or have provided to Meatball, but the dedication I have provided him as I journey into parenthood. I only hope he inherits my drive, dedication, and perseverance in life. It doesn't matter who understands my reasoning in this journey, just as long as Meatball understands that he is the reason I did all of this...
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Been MIA
So it's been almost a full month since I have blogged last. I have not given up on breastfeeding! Quite the opposite...
I have been back to work for 3 weeks now. Being a full time professional, a mommy, and a breastfeeding mommy may be the toughest job ever. I don't get "breaks" at work. If I have a 10 minute block of free time, I am pumping to provide for Meatball. And when pumping, you are tied down to one area...my area just happens to be the closet of my classroom. I am trying very hard to work and pump but it is difficult. As a teacher, I need to be able to move around the room for things to be productive and that's just not possible. But, I am providing for Meatball throughout the day while also teaching. That alone is pretty darn impressive.
I miss my time at home and being able to nurse on demand. I miss my time with Meatball greatly. However, this is what works for our family. Pumping is not enjoyable for anyone but it's a necessity for those that must be away from their little ones and work outside of the home. I am proud of myself for continuing to BF since returning to work. Not all are able to handle the challenges of BF and working and I have proven I can even with my daily supply issues.
Another celebration I have to acknowledge is my freezer stash. Not that it's massive or would feed a small army but that it's barely been touched since returning to work! Only 8 oz TOTAL have been used! WOO HOO!!
Meatball is getting 6 oz of formula a day. While I am away, he takes an additional 10 oz of BM. When I get home, it's a topless nursing party until dinner, bath, book, and then boob and bed. Our routine is working well and I am keeping up with the supply demand pretty well if I must say so myself.
I am still pumping throughout the night. I bring home such a pathetic amount during work. I pump 2-3 oz each time I pump. I bring home about 6 oz each day. Plus I pump after putting Meatball to bed and I get about 2-2.5 oz. I also try to pump in the am while nursing and I get about 3-6 oz then. That all goes towards the 10 oz needed throughout the day following the first bottle of formula in the morning with breakfast.
So things are not spectacular...I don't have a sudden abundant increase in supply...but they are working. I have found what works for me and Meatball and I am pretty happy. He's happy, healthy, and growing like a weed.
For the first time ever, I may feel like I have finally defined my own success...and successful I think I am.
I have been back to work for 3 weeks now. Being a full time professional, a mommy, and a breastfeeding mommy may be the toughest job ever. I don't get "breaks" at work. If I have a 10 minute block of free time, I am pumping to provide for Meatball. And when pumping, you are tied down to one area...my area just happens to be the closet of my classroom. I am trying very hard to work and pump but it is difficult. As a teacher, I need to be able to move around the room for things to be productive and that's just not possible. But, I am providing for Meatball throughout the day while also teaching. That alone is pretty darn impressive.
I miss my time at home and being able to nurse on demand. I miss my time with Meatball greatly. However, this is what works for our family. Pumping is not enjoyable for anyone but it's a necessity for those that must be away from their little ones and work outside of the home. I am proud of myself for continuing to BF since returning to work. Not all are able to handle the challenges of BF and working and I have proven I can even with my daily supply issues.
Another celebration I have to acknowledge is my freezer stash. Not that it's massive or would feed a small army but that it's barely been touched since returning to work! Only 8 oz TOTAL have been used! WOO HOO!!
Meatball is getting 6 oz of formula a day. While I am away, he takes an additional 10 oz of BM. When I get home, it's a topless nursing party until dinner, bath, book, and then boob and bed. Our routine is working well and I am keeping up with the supply demand pretty well if I must say so myself.
I am still pumping throughout the night. I bring home such a pathetic amount during work. I pump 2-3 oz each time I pump. I bring home about 6 oz each day. Plus I pump after putting Meatball to bed and I get about 2-2.5 oz. I also try to pump in the am while nursing and I get about 3-6 oz then. That all goes towards the 10 oz needed throughout the day following the first bottle of formula in the morning with breakfast.
So things are not spectacular...I don't have a sudden abundant increase in supply...but they are working. I have found what works for me and Meatball and I am pretty happy. He's happy, healthy, and growing like a weed.
For the first time ever, I may feel like I have finally defined my own success...and successful I think I am.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Biopsy: Take 2
Ok, so last Thursday was my scheduled nipple biopsy. I had debated the days before if I was actually going to go through with it or not. I could not decide it the biopsy was worth risking my nursing relationship permanently not only for Meatball but for any future little ones either. I have worked so hard to get to where I am in providing nutrition for my son even after being told by so many it would not be possible. I just could not imagine making yet another decision that could negatively affect my current or any future nursing relationship.
But then Meatball had his 6 month appointment on Tuesday and it happened to be with K. I was looking forward to seeing her since she has been so amazingly supportive with my challenges and struggles with breastfeeding. When we first saw K, of course she asked about the nipple and wanted to see it...so I showed her. Only thing she could say was it HAD to be biopsied. Although I was skeptical, I trust her wholeheartedly and she would never lead me in the wrong direction. So decision was made to keep the appointment scheduled for the biopsy on Thursday.
On Wednesday am, I decided to give the dermatologist's office another chance and check on the cultures that were taken nearly a month ago. FINALLY, I got to speak with the PA that saw me. She informed me that the culture for bacteria came back negative and the fungal culture was inconclusive *said it needed a few more days* but looked like it would be negative as well. I chatted with her briefly about the plan for the biopsy and her advice to me was to ask if I could try a steroid cream before having the biopsy done. Interestingly enough, I told her I had been on APNO for about a month after this issue started and had no improvement...at the time I did not know APNO contained a steroid but shouldn't she? Guess not...
So this just verified that I truly had tried everything to get this nipple healed. And it just was not happening...something is just not right with the nipple.
As I got ready for the biopsy on Wednesday night, I was really emotional...shocker. I just kept thinking about how difficult breastfeeding has been for me. Not one piece of it has been easy. From finding support, to having a good supply, needing to use shields, supplementing more than I wanted to, finding the tumors, a fissure starting, pumping blood, biopsies, etc...part of me was really feeling sorry for myself that it hasn't been so easy. Those that I know that have had a much easier time with BF make me very envious and those that could BF but decide not to make me a little angry, it all has been such an emotional time. But then I started to swell up with pride...
I made a decision many years ago to have a breast reduction. Even then I knew I wanted to BF but I still went through with it. Years later when motherhood became a reality and I was faced with another decision to make on how I was going to feed my child, I made the decision I would do whatever I could to do the best thing for my child. And the decision I made was to breastfeed. This decision has not been an easy road for me. I have had to advocate for myself and my wishes and trust my own instincts as a mother that I was doing the right thing and this struggle would be worth it. I have spent a great deal of time and money into making BF work for me, for us. I have had to swallow my pride and supplement even when I didn't want to because I knew I was not meeting Meatball's demands. I have learned how to differentiate between good and bad medical advice...medical advice that was given because it's easier for the doctor and advice that was given because the doctor truly has my and Meatball's best interest in mind. And with all of this BF roller coaster I have been on, I have still learned how to be a mom and build a strong, loving relationship with my son.
Early on, I could have taken the easy way out, given up, never looked back, and forgotten about my original desires to provide nutrition for my child. I could have, but I didn't. And for the first time ever, I really felt proud of myself for all I have done. I beamed knowing that I have had quite a journey to maintain , hell, even begin, this amazing nursing relationship with Meatball. And this relationship we have is something I will never forget...a bond stronger than I ever dreamed. No matter the outcome of this biopsy and where we go next with this nipple situation with Dr. P, I would cherish every since moment I have had nursing my little guy. And I pray that I can continue this relationship until he is ready to wean.
So, the biopsy hurt a lot less than I expected. Things went smoothly and quickly once the procedure got started. Dr. P talked me through the whole procedure so I knew what was going on. She was able to get a good sample of the abnormal cells since my nipple was so open. And after taking the sample, she didn't even need to stitch me because the tissue just fell back together. She warned me I would bleed for awhile and she showed me how to apply pressure if the bleeding was not stopping on its own. She advised me to pump for the rest of the day and maybe Friday depending on how I felt.
When I got home and I pumped throughout the day, I would get a lot of blood. I did a lot of pump and dump that day. On Friday am, I decided to try nursing Meatball while hubby was still here...and it went fine!! He nursed as normal all day Friday with no issues :)
So I go back on Wednesday am for the results. Dr. P will be out of town but L will be there for the appointment and to share the results and I guess we'll just go from there.
In the meantime, I will cherish every nursing session Meatball and I have. Even when I am really tired and he just nursed 30 minutes ago, I won't complain...and I will just be thankful that I have the opportunity...
But then Meatball had his 6 month appointment on Tuesday and it happened to be with K. I was looking forward to seeing her since she has been so amazingly supportive with my challenges and struggles with breastfeeding. When we first saw K, of course she asked about the nipple and wanted to see it...so I showed her. Only thing she could say was it HAD to be biopsied. Although I was skeptical, I trust her wholeheartedly and she would never lead me in the wrong direction. So decision was made to keep the appointment scheduled for the biopsy on Thursday.
On Wednesday am, I decided to give the dermatologist's office another chance and check on the cultures that were taken nearly a month ago. FINALLY, I got to speak with the PA that saw me. She informed me that the culture for bacteria came back negative and the fungal culture was inconclusive *said it needed a few more days* but looked like it would be negative as well. I chatted with her briefly about the plan for the biopsy and her advice to me was to ask if I could try a steroid cream before having the biopsy done. Interestingly enough, I told her I had been on APNO for about a month after this issue started and had no improvement...at the time I did not know APNO contained a steroid but shouldn't she? Guess not...
So this just verified that I truly had tried everything to get this nipple healed. And it just was not happening...something is just not right with the nipple.
As I got ready for the biopsy on Wednesday night, I was really emotional...shocker. I just kept thinking about how difficult breastfeeding has been for me. Not one piece of it has been easy. From finding support, to having a good supply, needing to use shields, supplementing more than I wanted to, finding the tumors, a fissure starting, pumping blood, biopsies, etc...part of me was really feeling sorry for myself that it hasn't been so easy. Those that I know that have had a much easier time with BF make me very envious and those that could BF but decide not to make me a little angry, it all has been such an emotional time. But then I started to swell up with pride...
I made a decision many years ago to have a breast reduction. Even then I knew I wanted to BF but I still went through with it. Years later when motherhood became a reality and I was faced with another decision to make on how I was going to feed my child, I made the decision I would do whatever I could to do the best thing for my child. And the decision I made was to breastfeed. This decision has not been an easy road for me. I have had to advocate for myself and my wishes and trust my own instincts as a mother that I was doing the right thing and this struggle would be worth it. I have spent a great deal of time and money into making BF work for me, for us. I have had to swallow my pride and supplement even when I didn't want to because I knew I was not meeting Meatball's demands. I have learned how to differentiate between good and bad medical advice...medical advice that was given because it's easier for the doctor and advice that was given because the doctor truly has my and Meatball's best interest in mind. And with all of this BF roller coaster I have been on, I have still learned how to be a mom and build a strong, loving relationship with my son.
Early on, I could have taken the easy way out, given up, never looked back, and forgotten about my original desires to provide nutrition for my child. I could have, but I didn't. And for the first time ever, I really felt proud of myself for all I have done. I beamed knowing that I have had quite a journey to maintain , hell, even begin, this amazing nursing relationship with Meatball. And this relationship we have is something I will never forget...a bond stronger than I ever dreamed. No matter the outcome of this biopsy and where we go next with this nipple situation with Dr. P, I would cherish every since moment I have had nursing my little guy. And I pray that I can continue this relationship until he is ready to wean.
So, the biopsy hurt a lot less than I expected. Things went smoothly and quickly once the procedure got started. Dr. P talked me through the whole procedure so I knew what was going on. She was able to get a good sample of the abnormal cells since my nipple was so open. And after taking the sample, she didn't even need to stitch me because the tissue just fell back together. She warned me I would bleed for awhile and she showed me how to apply pressure if the bleeding was not stopping on its own. She advised me to pump for the rest of the day and maybe Friday depending on how I felt.
When I got home and I pumped throughout the day, I would get a lot of blood. I did a lot of pump and dump that day. On Friday am, I decided to try nursing Meatball while hubby was still here...and it went fine!! He nursed as normal all day Friday with no issues :)
So I go back on Wednesday am for the results. Dr. P will be out of town but L will be there for the appointment and to share the results and I guess we'll just go from there.
In the meantime, I will cherish every nursing session Meatball and I have. Even when I am really tired and he just nursed 30 minutes ago, I won't complain...and I will just be thankful that I have the opportunity...
Monday, August 8, 2011
A little unexpected news
Well, first things first...6 months ago today, I was blessed with the single most amazing thing I could ever ask for. My little Meatball is 6 months old today. He is such a happy, healthy, and easy going little guy. Every day, I fall more in love with him and am so thankful I have been blessed with such a wonderful child. He truly makes parenting "easy"...
Today also marks 3 months since the first bleeding episode. Along with this milestone, I had an appointment scheduled with Dr. P this morning to check in and make sure the tumor within my duct had not changed significantly.
The appointment went well. Meatball came along in case I needed an ultrasound, he would be there to empty my breast so that could be done. Things ran a little late and a little longer than expected.
Since I am still having occasional bleeding, Dr. P wanted to do an ultrasound to check on the tumor. All looked good with that. However, she is not at all pleased with the "situation" on my nipple. As she said, "This is no longer a fissure. This is an open sore and this is not ok."
I have tried everything under the sun to make this damn thing close. Short of ending my nursing relationship, I do not know what else can be done. Neither did she. So, her thoughts are we need to do a nipple biopsy and there's no reason to wait around to do this. It is scheduled for Thursday. :(
We spoke about what this entailed and what choices I have. Local or twilight anesthesia. In the end, she decided local is going to be best although I will not be able to get my breast completely numb. I will feel a great deal of the biopsy but she assures me it will be just a minute and I will need to just deal with the pain. She will use a small round drill to take out the tissue from the center of my nipple...which is already open. She likely won't even stitch it because it's already open and I am so used it it...
Another "problem" I am seeing with this biopsy is it might end my nursing relationship. I feel like I have been so lucky and worked so hard to beat the odds at this point...I have a sickening feeling this will be it. I am praying otherwise, but I just don't know how optimistic I can be right now.
And to top all of this off, I still have not paid her office for what I owe from the first biopsy. Add in the other appointments and now an additional biopsy - I have no idea how I/we can ever financially take care of the bill that I will be receiving from the office. It's going to be astronomical. But every time I ask about it and express my worries, I am told not to worry about it. I am told that it will be worked out. I called and asked if I could transfer to another office that is in my insurance providers and I was told not to. So I don't know what to think but I have a feeling in the pit of my tummy that there's going to be a bill left in my lap that I do not know how I will ever be able to afford.
I cannot believe I am going through these same worries and emotions all over again. I do not know if I can handle this. I have been so much stronger than I ever expected I could be...but just don't know if I can do this again...
And to end on a happy note: today, I get to celebrate 6 long, difficult months of loving my son and working so hard to give him one of the greatest gifts I could ever give him: breastmilk. I have worked so hard to reach this milestone. Every day and every ounce is a celebration still but 6 months is a BIG deal. Go me! And here's hoping I can make it another 6...God willing.
Today also marks 3 months since the first bleeding episode. Along with this milestone, I had an appointment scheduled with Dr. P this morning to check in and make sure the tumor within my duct had not changed significantly.
The appointment went well. Meatball came along in case I needed an ultrasound, he would be there to empty my breast so that could be done. Things ran a little late and a little longer than expected.
Since I am still having occasional bleeding, Dr. P wanted to do an ultrasound to check on the tumor. All looked good with that. However, she is not at all pleased with the "situation" on my nipple. As she said, "This is no longer a fissure. This is an open sore and this is not ok."
I have tried everything under the sun to make this damn thing close. Short of ending my nursing relationship, I do not know what else can be done. Neither did she. So, her thoughts are we need to do a nipple biopsy and there's no reason to wait around to do this. It is scheduled for Thursday. :(
We spoke about what this entailed and what choices I have. Local or twilight anesthesia. In the end, she decided local is going to be best although I will not be able to get my breast completely numb. I will feel a great deal of the biopsy but she assures me it will be just a minute and I will need to just deal with the pain. She will use a small round drill to take out the tissue from the center of my nipple...which is already open. She likely won't even stitch it because it's already open and I am so used it it...
Another "problem" I am seeing with this biopsy is it might end my nursing relationship. I feel like I have been so lucky and worked so hard to beat the odds at this point...I have a sickening feeling this will be it. I am praying otherwise, but I just don't know how optimistic I can be right now.
And to top all of this off, I still have not paid her office for what I owe from the first biopsy. Add in the other appointments and now an additional biopsy - I have no idea how I/we can ever financially take care of the bill that I will be receiving from the office. It's going to be astronomical. But every time I ask about it and express my worries, I am told not to worry about it. I am told that it will be worked out. I called and asked if I could transfer to another office that is in my insurance providers and I was told not to. So I don't know what to think but I have a feeling in the pit of my tummy that there's going to be a bill left in my lap that I do not know how I will ever be able to afford.
I cannot believe I am going through these same worries and emotions all over again. I do not know if I can handle this. I have been so much stronger than I ever expected I could be...but just don't know if I can do this again...
And to end on a happy note: today, I get to celebrate 6 long, difficult months of loving my son and working so hard to give him one of the greatest gifts I could ever give him: breastmilk. I have worked so hard to reach this milestone. Every day and every ounce is a celebration still but 6 months is a BIG deal. Go me! And here's hoping I can make it another 6...God willing.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Looky here!!
Meatball and I met a friend for breakfast the other morning. I nursed him before leaving and we were only gone for a few hours. We were back around 3 hours after Meatball's last feeding and I was expecting him to be hungry...
But he wasn't! He was napping! No way am I waking him up to nurse at this point...
But I needed to pump so bad! So I ran upstairs, hastily hooked myself up and pumped. I didn't get on the computer, I didn't start reading...I was just standing around pumping and massaging to get this milk out.
And boy did it come out! It kept coming and coming and coming...
6 ounces later!!
I have NEVER pumped 6 oz in one pump! I didn't know what to do! So I took a picture -
But he wasn't! He was napping! No way am I waking him up to nurse at this point...
But I needed to pump so bad! So I ran upstairs, hastily hooked myself up and pumped. I didn't get on the computer, I didn't start reading...I was just standing around pumping and massaging to get this milk out.
And boy did it come out! It kept coming and coming and coming...
6 ounces later!!
I have NEVER pumped 6 oz in one pump! I didn't know what to do! So I took a picture -
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Today is a kick ass day!
I am really tired and heading to bed but I had to share...
Pumping at this training today:
Staff was so accommodating! Did not feel like I was putting anyone out of uncomfortable at all! How wonderful?!
I pumped 2 times there and I got almost 8 oz!! In 2 pumps!! How fantastic!!
Meatball got to meet his other uncle (my brother in law) for the first time today!
Here's the kicker!! I wrote an email to LilyPadz. Same email I wrote to Milkies...and they are offering me a free pair to try out as well! Just have to get my LC to contact them and they will send them! Woo hoo! They want me to let them know if they work for my situation and write a review for them on injured nipples if they do! I will totally do that for that price ;) My situation may have lots of bumps but I sure have encountered many sensitive and caring individuals that are supportive of my efforts! Go me :)
So what I thought would be a sucky day turned into a pretty kick ass one!
Pumping at this training today:
Staff was so accommodating! Did not feel like I was putting anyone out of uncomfortable at all! How wonderful?!
I pumped 2 times there and I got almost 8 oz!! In 2 pumps!! How fantastic!!
Meatball got to meet his other uncle (my brother in law) for the first time today!
Here's the kicker!! I wrote an email to LilyPadz. Same email I wrote to Milkies...and they are offering me a free pair to try out as well! Just have to get my LC to contact them and they will send them! Woo hoo! They want me to let them know if they work for my situation and write a review for them on injured nipples if they do! I will totally do that for that price ;) My situation may have lots of bumps but I sure have encountered many sensitive and caring individuals that are supportive of my efforts! Go me :)
So what I thought would be a sucky day turned into a pretty kick ass one!
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Next few days are going to be real tough :(
I am going to training from 8 to 4 for the next couple of days. Means I need to leave at 7:30 am and won't be back until a little after 4pm. This means pumping. Something I suck at. My body sucks at it. It's going to be a tough couple of days...
When I end up not pumping enough tomorrow, I am going to come home crying and feeling like a failure. I can foresee this already. It's the same feelings I had when I went back to work in the beginning. I am loving being home with Meatball right now. He's only getting formula two times a day. The rest is all BM! All from nursing! We are doing so well!! And now the next 3 days are going to go to shit.
I think why I am really upset is because I am foreseeing what it will be like when I go back to work in a month. I wish I didn't have to go back. I wish we were able to make do and let me stay home to care for this amazing blessing I have been given. Let me make sacrifices so I can continue working with BF and possibly get to EBF. Sadly, I know this is not a reality.
And to top it all off, my first check up with Dr. P is very soon. I am sure she will be giving me a bill for the biopsy and the other appointments from seeing her. It's going to break the bank. Right now, anything will be breaking the bank. No income from me over the summer is tough. Add in the weeks I took without pay and this is hard times.
So training for the next 3 days will bring in a bit of money. It won't bring in BM and neither will I probably. I sure hope I am wrong...that would be such a nice surprise! Fingers crossed!!
When I end up not pumping enough tomorrow, I am going to come home crying and feeling like a failure. I can foresee this already. It's the same feelings I had when I went back to work in the beginning. I am loving being home with Meatball right now. He's only getting formula two times a day. The rest is all BM! All from nursing! We are doing so well!! And now the next 3 days are going to go to shit.
I think why I am really upset is because I am foreseeing what it will be like when I go back to work in a month. I wish I didn't have to go back. I wish we were able to make do and let me stay home to care for this amazing blessing I have been given. Let me make sacrifices so I can continue working with BF and possibly get to EBF. Sadly, I know this is not a reality.
And to top it all off, my first check up with Dr. P is very soon. I am sure she will be giving me a bill for the biopsy and the other appointments from seeing her. It's going to break the bank. Right now, anything will be breaking the bank. No income from me over the summer is tough. Add in the weeks I took without pay and this is hard times.
So training for the next 3 days will bring in a bit of money. It won't bring in BM and neither will I probably. I sure hope I am wrong...that would be such a nice surprise! Fingers crossed!!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Return of the...
bleeding boob!
Thought it was all over and my nipple was getting better but guess I was wrong.
I was over at a friend's house this afternoon and just nursing Meatball. Suddenly, I felt a strange feeling, a feeling I must have been familiar with...
Pulled Meatball off only to see blood and tissue coming out of my right breast again. It was flowing a little more than last time but that may have been I caught it in mid-stream. Needless to say, I freaked out a tad, friend took Meatball for me and got him cleaned up as I excused myself to assess the situation in the bathroom. Once all was calmed, I took a deep breath and just hugged Meatball extra tight. I must have scared him...it sure scared me. I feel so bad he has to deal with any of this.
Go figure this all happened today...I just scheduled my 3 month check up with Dr. P. Will be calling in the morning to touch base regarding the charges I owe the office and this new situation. Ugh. Just as I thought I was starting to have a normal BF relationship...
Thought it was all over and my nipple was getting better but guess I was wrong.
I was over at a friend's house this afternoon and just nursing Meatball. Suddenly, I felt a strange feeling, a feeling I must have been familiar with...
Pulled Meatball off only to see blood and tissue coming out of my right breast again. It was flowing a little more than last time but that may have been I caught it in mid-stream. Needless to say, I freaked out a tad, friend took Meatball for me and got him cleaned up as I excused myself to assess the situation in the bathroom. Once all was calmed, I took a deep breath and just hugged Meatball extra tight. I must have scared him...it sure scared me. I feel so bad he has to deal with any of this.
Go figure this all happened today...I just scheduled my 3 month check up with Dr. P. Will be calling in the morning to touch base regarding the charges I owe the office and this new situation. Ugh. Just as I thought I was starting to have a normal BF relationship...
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Taking a moment to celebrate
Hard to believe but tomorrow is Meatball's 5 monthday. 5 months ago I fell in love all over again. 5 months ago I laid eyes on the sweetest little face. 5 months ago I began the most difficult but amazing journey of my life.
Meatball may not be EBF. He's had plenty of formula in his system. However, I think I can proudly say that I am a BFAR success story. I have worked extremely hard to provide what BM I can for Meatball and that makes me proud. It has not been an easy road by any means but the minute he latches on and looks up at me makes all of the hard work worth it.
So happy almost 5 monthday to my baby boy and happy 5 months of kicking BFAR ass to me!
Meatball may not be EBF. He's had plenty of formula in his system. However, I think I can proudly say that I am a BFAR success story. I have worked extremely hard to provide what BM I can for Meatball and that makes me proud. It has not been an easy road by any means but the minute he latches on and looks up at me makes all of the hard work worth it.
So happy almost 5 monthday to my baby boy and happy 5 months of kicking BFAR ass to me!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Got my Milkies!!
Got home from a long weekend out of town and there was a box sitting at the front door when we got home!! It was my free sample of Milkies! I was so excited to try them that I almost forgot to wash them...
First impression: they seem large. After placing in my tank and nursing Meatball on non-fissure side for 10 minutes, I checked out the Milkie and noticed I had collected quite a bit of BM! Holy cow was I excited! I had to go measure it! It was only half an ounce but if I got that much in just 10 minutes from one nursing session, I can't imagine what a full day with this thing will be like!
Cons thus far: it is large. The top doesn't lay flat enough to stay inside bra or tank so I won't be able to wear these all day like the soft shells. Bummer. Also, there's a harder plastic inside and it protects outer shell from touching nipple but it also makes the Milkie stand out more so it's not too discrete.
Will try them out for a full day and see what I think. I will be sure to write back to the company and let them know my thoughts ... if they care! LOL
First impression: they seem large. After placing in my tank and nursing Meatball on non-fissure side for 10 minutes, I checked out the Milkie and noticed I had collected quite a bit of BM! Holy cow was I excited! I had to go measure it! It was only half an ounce but if I got that much in just 10 minutes from one nursing session, I can't imagine what a full day with this thing will be like!
Cons thus far: it is large. The top doesn't lay flat enough to stay inside bra or tank so I won't be able to wear these all day like the soft shells. Bummer. Also, there's a harder plastic inside and it protects outer shell from touching nipple but it also makes the Milkie stand out more so it's not too discrete.
Will try them out for a full day and see what I think. I will be sure to write back to the company and let them know my thoughts ... if they care! LOL
Parenting fail I guess
At last pedi appointment, we agreed to offer Meatball formula a couple of times a day when he still seems hungry. We also talked about beginning cereal. Our routine has been working great and I feel like Meatball is really enjoying his first "solid" foods!!
After a long weekend camping, I noticed Meatball had really porked up in the past couple of days. I got home and I was really excited to weigh him. Once I did, I was shocked that he had put on 8 oz in 4 days! Ekkk!!
Quick email to K and it seems maybe I am over feeding him?! Parenting fail I guess...
After all of these supply issues, my worry has always been I am starving him and he's not getting enough. Now I add a little bit of cereal and formula into the mix and I guess it's too much. :(
I feel like this weight game is just one that I am not going to win...ever. I don't make enough milk and now it seems I am forcing too much food down his throat! I am trying to learn his cues and "listen" to what he wants and needs. Thought I had been doing a great job with this and now I am feeling like an awful mom and like I have hurt him by feeding him too much.
Would love to be able to get something right in this thing called parenting...soon.
After a long weekend camping, I noticed Meatball had really porked up in the past couple of days. I got home and I was really excited to weigh him. Once I did, I was shocked that he had put on 8 oz in 4 days! Ekkk!!
Quick email to K and it seems maybe I am over feeding him?! Parenting fail I guess...
After all of these supply issues, my worry has always been I am starving him and he's not getting enough. Now I add a little bit of cereal and formula into the mix and I guess it's too much. :(
I feel like this weight game is just one that I am not going to win...ever. I don't make enough milk and now it seems I am forcing too much food down his throat! I am trying to learn his cues and "listen" to what he wants and needs. Thought I had been doing a great job with this and now I am feeling like an awful mom and like I have hurt him by feeding him too much.
Would love to be able to get something right in this thing called parenting...soon.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Milkies
So I heard about this product a few years ago. I laughed at the idea of wearing a "cup" in your bra to catch any leaking milk. Me, years ago, joked, "Geez, gotta catch EVERY last drop, huh?"
Then I became a breastfeeding mother. A breastfeeding mother with a real crappy milk supply. Damn right, I want every single ounce of that goodness.
That's not really how this story starts...
A friend of mine from a board I have been posting on for a few years suggested I check these things out because I was losing so much milk in the soft shells that I am wearing for the fissure. I laughed but checked out the website. After watching their infomercial, I thought I would contact the company and see how they compared their product to the soft shells.
I wrote a short email to them explaining my breastfeeding journey. I told them about being BFAR, the masses that were found, and the fissure. I shared with them the downsides to these soft shells and asked them to compare.
Here is the response I received back:
Hello Meatball's Mommy,
Thank you for sharing your story- your son is so lucky to have such a dedicated mommy. I am sorry to hear about the difficulties you are having with breastfeeding- also inspired to hear how committed you are. Absolutely wonderful!
I'm not positive the Milk-Saver will help you but we would be glad to send you one to try. We do everything we can to support breastfeeding mommies like you.
What is the preferred shipping address for you to receive your product?
Thanks for getting in touch with Milkies!
Really?! Did this just happen? This company is offering to send me a free sample of their product to try out and compare to the soft shells! No flippin' way!
Sure feel like a heel laughing at the idea of them years ago...
Will update with my thoughts once I receive my free sample! WOO HOO!!
Then I became a breastfeeding mother. A breastfeeding mother with a real crappy milk supply. Damn right, I want every single ounce of that goodness.
That's not really how this story starts...
A friend of mine from a board I have been posting on for a few years suggested I check these things out because I was losing so much milk in the soft shells that I am wearing for the fissure. I laughed but checked out the website. After watching their infomercial, I thought I would contact the company and see how they compared their product to the soft shells.
I wrote a short email to them explaining my breastfeeding journey. I told them about being BFAR, the masses that were found, and the fissure. I shared with them the downsides to these soft shells and asked them to compare.
Here is the response I received back:
Hello Meatball's Mommy,
Thank you for sharing your story- your son is so lucky to have such a dedicated mommy. I am sorry to hear about the difficulties you are having with breastfeeding- also inspired to hear how committed you are. Absolutely wonderful!
I'm not positive the Milk-Saver will help you but we would be glad to send you one to try. We do everything we can to support breastfeeding mommies like you.
What is the preferred shipping address for you to receive your product?
Thanks for getting in touch with Milkies!
Really?! Did this just happen? This company is offering to send me a free sample of their product to try out and compare to the soft shells! No flippin' way!
Sure feel like a heel laughing at the idea of them years ago...
Will update with my thoughts once I receive my free sample! WOO HOO!!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
The crater may be healing!
Up for my middle of the night feeding/pumping session. Hate this one but can't seem to stop it. Meatball only takes one side and I just can't get the tandem pumping/nursing down in the middle of the night so I pump both sides after he falls asleep.
I just thought I should update on the crater...eh, fissure. It seems to be doing better. Not anywhere near healed but does not look so raw. If I could legally post pics of it without it being marked as inappropriate, I would. Believe me, when you google "nipple fissure" none of the images look like the trainwreck on my right breast. None.
But I guess using the soft shells and hydrogels are pulling it back together...not sure I'll ever have a normal nipple again but eh I guess I didn't really have a normal one before since I am BFAR and have my own set of incision scars!!
I just thought I should update on the crater...eh, fissure. It seems to be doing better. Not anywhere near healed but does not look so raw. If I could legally post pics of it without it being marked as inappropriate, I would. Believe me, when you google "nipple fissure" none of the images look like the trainwreck on my right breast. None.
But I guess using the soft shells and hydrogels are pulling it back together...not sure I'll ever have a normal nipple again but eh I guess I didn't really have a normal one before since I am BFAR and have my own set of incision scars!!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Excuse me, you have a little something right there...
On the front of your shirt. Yup, right in the front of your shirt. It's not little though...
I started wearing the Medela Soft Shells as recommended by K. They will let me nipple heal and hopefully come back together. K said I have to wear them until my nipple looks as good as hers :) Think I will be in these things forever.
They are not uncomfortable by any means. They look completely stupid though and are totally noticeable by anyone that glances at my boobs. But if it works, I will take them!
I am calling them my fake boobs. Problem with my fake boobs...they leak.
Once I have been in them for just a bit of time, I start to leak. They press against my breast some so I am leaking a little bit non stop on the right side with the fissure. There's a little sponge in there to help soak up the milk...which I cannot save and I have to sadly toss whatever is caught in the shell or in the sponge. Never fails that I end up leaning over just a tad to grab something or pick up the baby or change a diaper...you know that fun stuff...and the milk pours out of the poorly placed holes along the top to help with air flow. Once the milk pours out, I am drenched.
Meatball and I had our first trip to the beach this past week. We went on our own for just a few days and met a couple of girlfriends there with their babies. We had a great time but apparently I did not pack enough shirts...I went through 4 shirts on the last day. Four.
Funny part is, some would be embarrassed. Not me. I am proud of my spilled milk. A little pissed I did not get to bottle it to store or feed it to Meatball but proud that I am making enough to even drench my shirt.
So I have really gotten the chance to feel the "problems" some mothers have that have too much of a supply. Give me a drenched shirt any day and all day if it means I could feed my son BM. At least you can figure out a solution for a little drenched shirt...
I started wearing the Medela Soft Shells as recommended by K. They will let me nipple heal and hopefully come back together. K said I have to wear them until my nipple looks as good as hers :) Think I will be in these things forever.
They are not uncomfortable by any means. They look completely stupid though and are totally noticeable by anyone that glances at my boobs. But if it works, I will take them!
I am calling them my fake boobs. Problem with my fake boobs...they leak.
Once I have been in them for just a bit of time, I start to leak. They press against my breast some so I am leaking a little bit non stop on the right side with the fissure. There's a little sponge in there to help soak up the milk...which I cannot save and I have to sadly toss whatever is caught in the shell or in the sponge. Never fails that I end up leaning over just a tad to grab something or pick up the baby or change a diaper...you know that fun stuff...and the milk pours out of the poorly placed holes along the top to help with air flow. Once the milk pours out, I am drenched.
Meatball and I had our first trip to the beach this past week. We went on our own for just a few days and met a couple of girlfriends there with their babies. We had a great time but apparently I did not pack enough shirts...I went through 4 shirts on the last day. Four.
Funny part is, some would be embarrassed. Not me. I am proud of my spilled milk. A little pissed I did not get to bottle it to store or feed it to Meatball but proud that I am making enough to even drench my shirt.
So I have really gotten the chance to feel the "problems" some mothers have that have too much of a supply. Give me a drenched shirt any day and all day if it means I could feed my son BM. At least you can figure out a solution for a little drenched shirt...
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
I have made a decision
I have said it a million times...
But I am serious...
I want to become a lactation consultant.
I think I would be so good at this. I am obviously very pro breastfeeding. I will be able to provide a perspective that not all can and that is the struggle. I don't think I will ever forget what it feels like to not be able to provide enough. I will never forget what it's like to do everything you can and still have to provide that bottle for supplementing. It's tough.
So I am going to start looking into this. Seriously.
If I could become someone's Breastfeeding Angel, just one person, I would feel like my journey has all been worth it. After all, that's the purpose of me blogging all this is so someone else can learn about another's BFAR experience...something that not enough share publicly.
But I am serious...
I want to become a lactation consultant.
I think I would be so good at this. I am obviously very pro breastfeeding. I will be able to provide a perspective that not all can and that is the struggle. I don't think I will ever forget what it feels like to not be able to provide enough. I will never forget what it's like to do everything you can and still have to provide that bottle for supplementing. It's tough.
So I am going to start looking into this. Seriously.
If I could become someone's Breastfeeding Angel, just one person, I would feel like my journey has all been worth it. After all, that's the purpose of me blogging all this is so someone else can learn about another's BFAR experience...something that not enough share publicly.
Catching my breath
Not sure I am "at ease" with what has now become reality but I said it aloud today to my LC and I feel ok...not devastated.
Even with all of my efforts, Meatball just is not going to be an EBF. As much as this hurts for me to admit, I know I have tried everything I could to make this happen. I cannot say he will be half BM and half formula but I imagine it will be just about that if I were to measure it out. Sucks but I am less devastated than I have felt about this in the past.
Why am I suddenly not sobbing about this? Is it that I am tired from my exhausting efforts? Is it that I have know this would likely be the outcome for some time now and I am just now saying it? Is it that I feel proud that I have tried all I could to provide all BM to Meatball and haven't failed but just did not succeed? I would love to think it's the latter but I know myself too well and will never allow myself to believe that one.
Even since I posted last, I have added one last ditch effort to make more milk: Pitocin nasal spray. Although it does not encourage lactation, it helps with let down and if let down improves, the idea is the breast will empty better and if they empty better, the body will produce more milk.
This little bottle has to be made at a compounding pharmacy. I paid out of pocket for it...can't even tell you how much money breastfeeding has cost me at this point...and they shipped it to my house overnight. It has to be refrigerated which is a pain. One squirt before pumping or feeding and let down improves.
Although I hated Pitocin during my induction, this spray has really helped me. I release milk a lot easier and I don't have to squeeze it out of my boobs! It did help me release a tad bit more milk on my last couple of days of work, which was nice. 8 whole ounces those days as opposed to the 6.5 oz I normally would bring home. Pathetic none the less.
Well, in the end, all of my efforts just are not enough. Who knows if the real issue is my thyroid and prolactin levels or if all of this is due to the BFAR but it sucks. What doesn't suck is today I don't feel like a failure. I don't feel like a success but I don't feel like a failure either. I can't take anymore tears right now so maybe my consciousness is being kind to me today.
So although I feel like "My Journey" is kinda over, it really isn't. I haven't quit BF and I am not going to. Who knows what will happen from here...
But in the meantime, I am going to let me body and soul rest for this evening knowing that I have done all I could to EBF and it just isn't possible. I will let myself sleep through one of those middle of the night pumping sessions, save my heart from "I'm a failure" tears for at least tonight, and just give myself a chance to catch my breath from the past 4 months and 13 days of struggling. Whew.
Even with all of my efforts, Meatball just is not going to be an EBF. As much as this hurts for me to admit, I know I have tried everything I could to make this happen. I cannot say he will be half BM and half formula but I imagine it will be just about that if I were to measure it out. Sucks but I am less devastated than I have felt about this in the past.
Why am I suddenly not sobbing about this? Is it that I am tired from my exhausting efforts? Is it that I have know this would likely be the outcome for some time now and I am just now saying it? Is it that I feel proud that I have tried all I could to provide all BM to Meatball and haven't failed but just did not succeed? I would love to think it's the latter but I know myself too well and will never allow myself to believe that one.
Even since I posted last, I have added one last ditch effort to make more milk: Pitocin nasal spray. Although it does not encourage lactation, it helps with let down and if let down improves, the idea is the breast will empty better and if they empty better, the body will produce more milk.
This little bottle has to be made at a compounding pharmacy. I paid out of pocket for it...can't even tell you how much money breastfeeding has cost me at this point...and they shipped it to my house overnight. It has to be refrigerated which is a pain. One squirt before pumping or feeding and let down improves.
Although I hated Pitocin during my induction, this spray has really helped me. I release milk a lot easier and I don't have to squeeze it out of my boobs! It did help me release a tad bit more milk on my last couple of days of work, which was nice. 8 whole ounces those days as opposed to the 6.5 oz I normally would bring home. Pathetic none the less.
Well, in the end, all of my efforts just are not enough. Who knows if the real issue is my thyroid and prolactin levels or if all of this is due to the BFAR but it sucks. What doesn't suck is today I don't feel like a failure. I don't feel like a success but I don't feel like a failure either. I can't take anymore tears right now so maybe my consciousness is being kind to me today.
So although I feel like "My Journey" is kinda over, it really isn't. I haven't quit BF and I am not going to. Who knows what will happen from here...
But in the meantime, I am going to let me body and soul rest for this evening knowing that I have done all I could to EBF and it just isn't possible. I will let myself sleep through one of those middle of the night pumping sessions, save my heart from "I'm a failure" tears for at least tonight, and just give myself a chance to catch my breath from the past 4 months and 13 days of struggling. Whew.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Struggling to redefine my own success
So it's been a tough day today with little pumping success. After a little research, I found this great understanding that explains where I am right now...breastfeeding grief. May sound stupid or ridiculous to someone that has not struggled with breastfeeding but it's where I am. I can't get out of it. My heart breaks that I cannot EBF Meatball. I am saddened to give him a bottle and would not think of giving him one in public. I would hate for someone to look over at me and judge me for not breastfeeding. Breastfeeding grief. I need my time to mourn and go through the stages.
When I am ready, I will work on redefining my success. I am trying to daily but this is easier said than done.
Really, what does it mean to be successful when all of the odds are stacked against you? Breast reduction and a thyroid disease. I was screwed before I even started. I should be thankful I have been given what I have thus far. I should be thankful that I can provide him whatever I pump daily. I should be....so why am I not?
Redefining is going to take time...and I can see some ups and downs along the way.
When I am ready, I will work on redefining my success. I am trying to daily but this is easier said than done.
Really, what does it mean to be successful when all of the odds are stacked against you? Breast reduction and a thyroid disease. I was screwed before I even started. I should be thankful I have been given what I have thus far. I should be thankful that I can provide him whatever I pump daily. I should be....so why am I not?
Redefining is going to take time...and I can see some ups and downs along the way.
Needing a little encouragement today...
Been back to work for weeks at this point. I spend 2 hours a day at working in a closet pumping. Four thirty minute sessions. I am taking 9 pills of Dom a day. I take 9 pills of Fenugreek a day. I eat a billion bowls of oatmeal a day. I am drinking gallons of water a day.
I am still only bringing home 7.5 to 8 ounces from all sessions combined. While pumping in the middle of the night or while at home, I should be able to store that milk but I can't. Meatball gets whatever I pump at home the next day while I am working. I leave for work each day with only 10 ounces of BM left for him. He's taking in about 20 ounces while I am gone.
Math for this is easy. I make 10 ounces and he takes in 20 ounces. All of this work and only making HALF of what he needs. WTF.
At this point, I am not going to quit. I have invested in my own Symphony pump. I need to keep BF to lower my chances for breast cancer now that I am at a higher risk with the masses discovered.
Most days I could celebrate that I am giving him at least half of what he needs...today I am seeing the glass very half empty. I am just feeling defeated today. Wish I could provide all :( So envious of those that can and hate those that can and chose not to. It's a rough day...
Monday, May 30, 2011
My vision of breastfeeding
When I first began breastfeeding, I was not able to do it discreetly. I tried my best and failed. I always had to use a cover since I couldn't manage a blanket to stay and I couldn't watch Meatball to make sure he was doing what he was supposed to.
But that has since changed. I am much better at nursing in public. I can do so with a tank and a t-shirt well enough that no one can see a thing. They likely can figure out what is going on but they can't see anything. Now this doesn't mean that I am cool with just stripping it all off and nursing wherever I want.
Unless you have breastfed, I don't think you can understand how amazing the experience is. There is this feeling that you get that the liveliness of your child rests solely on you and your ability to make milk. When you have difficulty making the milk like me, there is such a feeling of uselessness and despair that I don't think you can understand unless you have had supply issues. I feel so cheated of this natural experience sometimes.
I still am having difficulty making all of the BM that Meatball needs throughout the day while I am working. When I am home, he nurses often and he is well fed and happy it seems. When I am at work, I can only pump about half of what he is taking during the day via bottles. I am so devastated. I am continuing to try to get more before he burns through my entire freezer supply but I need to be realistic. I am going back to the schedule of waking up in the middle of the night not to nurse him but to pump. I am hoping he can make it all night on his own without an extra feeding but we shall see...
So with all of this work I have put forth towards breastfeeding and trying to make enough milk so Meatball is EBF I slightly feel defeated and enraged when I hear others complain about the lack of modesty a nursing mother has because someone saw a little extra breast or nipple when some woman was feeding her child. I am not telling people to bare it all but use a little discretion so others are not disgusted by it. Some of us have worked extremely hard to even make BF a reality and I am so upset when BF is viewed with disgust rather than a celebration of a mother doing the most unselfishness thing she possibly could for her child.
Breastfeeding is a gift. It's not for all. It's often taken for granted. Mothers have to give up so much to have a breastfeeding relationship whether it comes naturally or not. It should be celebrated and those that embrace it should be celebrated. Those that have to work REALLY hard at it should be celebrated just a tad bit more ;)
But that has since changed. I am much better at nursing in public. I can do so with a tank and a t-shirt well enough that no one can see a thing. They likely can figure out what is going on but they can't see anything. Now this doesn't mean that I am cool with just stripping it all off and nursing wherever I want.
Unless you have breastfed, I don't think you can understand how amazing the experience is. There is this feeling that you get that the liveliness of your child rests solely on you and your ability to make milk. When you have difficulty making the milk like me, there is such a feeling of uselessness and despair that I don't think you can understand unless you have had supply issues. I feel so cheated of this natural experience sometimes.
I still am having difficulty making all of the BM that Meatball needs throughout the day while I am working. When I am home, he nurses often and he is well fed and happy it seems. When I am at work, I can only pump about half of what he is taking during the day via bottles. I am so devastated. I am continuing to try to get more before he burns through my entire freezer supply but I need to be realistic. I am going back to the schedule of waking up in the middle of the night not to nurse him but to pump. I am hoping he can make it all night on his own without an extra feeding but we shall see...
So with all of this work I have put forth towards breastfeeding and trying to make enough milk so Meatball is EBF I slightly feel defeated and enraged when I hear others complain about the lack of modesty a nursing mother has because someone saw a little extra breast or nipple when some woman was feeding her child. I am not telling people to bare it all but use a little discretion so others are not disgusted by it. Some of us have worked extremely hard to even make BF a reality and I am so upset when BF is viewed with disgust rather than a celebration of a mother doing the most unselfishness thing she possibly could for her child.
Breastfeeding is a gift. It's not for all. It's often taken for granted. Mothers have to give up so much to have a breastfeeding relationship whether it comes naturally or not. It should be celebrated and those that embrace it should be celebrated. Those that have to work REALLY hard at it should be celebrated just a tad bit more ;)
The results
So the biopsy has come and gone. It was scary and it was painful. Dr. P had a lot of trouble getting samples because of my breast reduction. I was very bruised and sore. She was surprised I was not bruised up to my neck...lol.
Hubby took the morning off of work to go in with me to get the results last Wednesday. I was terrified. I laid in bed Tuesday night thinking what it would all be like if the results came back as the worst case scenario. I am strong and I am determined but I did not believe I could handle that. There was no way God would throw this at me. After such trouble we had even getting pregnant, going through a loss, and then all of the work I had done to provide the best possible thing I could for Meatball, there was no way God would allow me to have to "deal" with this.
And he did not. Results are non-malignant. Benign.. We were ecstatic. Really, I wasn't even sure how to react. I just kind of sat there. Hubby took a picture of the report and text it out to those that knew right away. It was the BREAST day ever :)
I need to continue to be monitored every few months to watch the masses and ensure they do not change in size and shape. I will be sure to do this but I am just so relieved.
I took just the morning off to get the results. We were in and out of the office that I went home to spend a bit of time with Meatball before going into work. I nursed him the entire 2 hours I was home. It was amazing. Life is amazing. I am so thankful.
Hubby took the morning off of work to go in with me to get the results last Wednesday. I was terrified. I laid in bed Tuesday night thinking what it would all be like if the results came back as the worst case scenario. I am strong and I am determined but I did not believe I could handle that. There was no way God would throw this at me. After such trouble we had even getting pregnant, going through a loss, and then all of the work I had done to provide the best possible thing I could for Meatball, there was no way God would allow me to have to "deal" with this.
And he did not. Results are non-malignant. Benign.. We were ecstatic. Really, I wasn't even sure how to react. I just kind of sat there. Hubby took a picture of the report and text it out to those that knew right away. It was the BREAST day ever :)
I need to continue to be monitored every few months to watch the masses and ensure they do not change in size and shape. I will be sure to do this but I am just so relieved.
I took just the morning off to get the results. We were in and out of the office that I went home to spend a bit of time with Meatball before going into work. I nursed him the entire 2 hours I was home. It was amazing. Life is amazing. I am so thankful.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Lots on my mind
This may be a very negative post...and for that I am sorry.
Tomorrow is my biopsy. I am worried. The pain on my right breast is increasing daily. I cringe thinking about Meatball latching on that side because it hurts so much even when he's not latched. When he latches, it hurts tremendously. After he empties me, the pain ceases until it begins to fill again :( I thought this was all "normal" and would go away. I am glad it is being looked at.
Had a little drama with all of this last night and this morning. I have a fantastic surgeon that is doing the biopsy. She is very pro breastfeeding. She wants to be sure to do whatever she can to in interrupt my nursing. For this I am very appreciative. However, I double checked with my innsurance this morning, and she is not on my plan. She is out of network.
I know I have fantastic insurance and I am grateful. After looking into this further, I was told I would have to pay my deductible and then be responsible for 20% of the total costs. This would be 20% of physcian costs, 20% of labs, and 20% of facility. This is going to be a small fortune.
I spoke with insurance to see if there's another breast surgeon in the area that I could go see and she explained that they do not put specialists on the plan. They have surgeons but not specifically breast surgeon. So, I called my doctor's office to cancel the biopsy tomorrow.
L answered the phone when I called and asked me to explain everything. I did. She told me I needed to not worry and she would speak with the doctor and get back to me. I was so upset I was nearly sobbing on the phone. Last thing I want to deal with in all of this is insurance costs. Soon after, Dr. P called me personally to explain she was not cancelling my appointment. She checked in my insurance and figured my out of pocket cost for me. She removed any facility costs so it is more manageable. Although I am sad I have to accept this hand out, I am so appreciative that Dr. P is working with me. Otherwise, I would have opted to not do the biopsy at all.
I have told a few more people about the situation. I feel so odd not knowing anything and sharing this news. I don't want anyone to worry and I want to pretend it's not happening. I so wish it wasn't.
On top of all of this, I think the Dom is taking a break from working because of all the stress? I am only pumping 2 oz total at work every 2-3 hours. Sad. Meatball is taking in 12 oz away from me. We are quickly burning through the stash. Not sure what I can do...
Tomorrow is my biopsy. I am worried. The pain on my right breast is increasing daily. I cringe thinking about Meatball latching on that side because it hurts so much even when he's not latched. When he latches, it hurts tremendously. After he empties me, the pain ceases until it begins to fill again :( I thought this was all "normal" and would go away. I am glad it is being looked at.
Had a little drama with all of this last night and this morning. I have a fantastic surgeon that is doing the biopsy. She is very pro breastfeeding. She wants to be sure to do whatever she can to in interrupt my nursing. For this I am very appreciative. However, I double checked with my innsurance this morning, and she is not on my plan. She is out of network.
I know I have fantastic insurance and I am grateful. After looking into this further, I was told I would have to pay my deductible and then be responsible for 20% of the total costs. This would be 20% of physcian costs, 20% of labs, and 20% of facility. This is going to be a small fortune.
I spoke with insurance to see if there's another breast surgeon in the area that I could go see and she explained that they do not put specialists on the plan. They have surgeons but not specifically breast surgeon. So, I called my doctor's office to cancel the biopsy tomorrow.
L answered the phone when I called and asked me to explain everything. I did. She told me I needed to not worry and she would speak with the doctor and get back to me. I was so upset I was nearly sobbing on the phone. Last thing I want to deal with in all of this is insurance costs. Soon after, Dr. P called me personally to explain she was not cancelling my appointment. She checked in my insurance and figured my out of pocket cost for me. She removed any facility costs so it is more manageable. Although I am sad I have to accept this hand out, I am so appreciative that Dr. P is working with me. Otherwise, I would have opted to not do the biopsy at all.
I have told a few more people about the situation. I feel so odd not knowing anything and sharing this news. I don't want anyone to worry and I want to pretend it's not happening. I so wish it wasn't.
On top of all of this, I think the Dom is taking a break from working because of all the stress? I am only pumping 2 oz total at work every 2-3 hours. Sad. Meatball is taking in 12 oz away from me. We are quickly burning through the stash. Not sure what I can do...
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
It's out of my hands now
Well I am not sure where things are going from here. I had my ultrasound this morning at the Breast Center. They were great. Meatball came along so my breast would be empty. The doctor assured me he is very efficient at that!! :)
Nice thing about this center is they give you results right there and talk you through the testing. The doctor was focusing on one area in particular above my nipple. I finally asked about it and she explained what she was doing and looking at/for.
She noticed a few nodules. She was trying to figure out if they were the same one or different ones. Turns out she found two. Both are above my nipple. One is directly connected to a duct...probably the culprit for the bleeding. Both have benign characteristics but only a biopsy will tell.
So results are abnormal. 2 lumps. Hoping that both are just masses...maybe scar tissue although that seemed unlikely...
Waiting to hear from breast surgeon to schedule biopsy. Hoping for next week :)
So they encouraged me to keep breastfeeding. That makes me happy. Sadly, I go back to work tomorrow and will miss several feedings. Good thing is I will cherish every nursing session now even the ones in the middle of the night when I am so sleepy and just want to go back to bed...they may be my last ones. Ever.
I am numb right now. Not sure how to think or feel. Don't really want to share with my friends except for a close few. They will all be supportive but I just don't want to rehash this every time I talk to someone.
So my fight for BF might be coming to an end. All of the hard work. All of the pills. All of the tears. It may just be out of my hands now. I am not super religious but praying begins now.
Nice thing about this center is they give you results right there and talk you through the testing. The doctor was focusing on one area in particular above my nipple. I finally asked about it and she explained what she was doing and looking at/for.
She noticed a few nodules. She was trying to figure out if they were the same one or different ones. Turns out she found two. Both are above my nipple. One is directly connected to a duct...probably the culprit for the bleeding. Both have benign characteristics but only a biopsy will tell.
So results are abnormal. 2 lumps. Hoping that both are just masses...maybe scar tissue although that seemed unlikely...
Waiting to hear from breast surgeon to schedule biopsy. Hoping for next week :)
So they encouraged me to keep breastfeeding. That makes me happy. Sadly, I go back to work tomorrow and will miss several feedings. Good thing is I will cherish every nursing session now even the ones in the middle of the night when I am so sleepy and just want to go back to bed...they may be my last ones. Ever.
I am numb right now. Not sure how to think or feel. Don't really want to share with my friends except for a close few. They will all be supportive but I just don't want to rehash this every time I talk to someone.
So my fight for BF might be coming to an end. All of the hard work. All of the pills. All of the tears. It may just be out of my hands now. I am not super religious but praying begins now.
Quite possibly the worst day ever...
Not sure there's a better title for yesterday and the events that went down. This is going to be a long one people so sit back and relax...
Did you know you should be taking calcium when breastfeeding? Yup, I learned that the hard way. Never chipped a tooth in my entire life until last night when I was just walking up the stairs. Not the kind of chip you can see but sure makes my tongue feel funny. I had to make an appointment in the am to get if fixed...this was just one of the first fun events to start this great day...although I did get it fixed in the morning it later would become a small issue in comparison.
The other night, I was nursing Meatball on the the side with the fissure that felt much better and had healed. All was good until I noticed pink around the color of his shirt. After checking him real closely, I figure the fissure had bled a little and it just looked worse than it was. No other issues.I nursed on that side several times and no problem. The next morning, I work up and decided to try tandem nursing and pumping. Worked well and I managed it. Note to self it would work if needed now that I am getting ready to start back at work. We sat together playing after he finished and he was just smiling and so happy! We were having a good time until he started spitting up blood...red blood...with other thicker chunks...I freaked out.
Again, we decided to chalk it up to the bad boob. It obviously was not healed all the way so I nursed less on that side during the day and it was all good. I decided to pump that night to give it all a rest. Meatball was asleep and I took advantage of the quiet, dark room to just relax while I pumped. I felt a little strange on my right side so I looked down only to see blood coming out along with the milk. Lots of blood. I kept going with pumping thinking this would stop and it was normal since I had heard of people having a little blood in their milk...but more and more came. When I finished my 3 oz bottle, 1 oz of it was blood and tissue. My pump was clogged and I was scared.
After emailing my LC to let her know what had been going on, I let the bottle sit.Once it all settled, the milk was still RED and there was a good ounce of stuff that was not supposed to be there at the bottom of the bottle. My LC wrote back and demanded I come in to the office in the morning so she could see me.
She did a quick weigh check and Meatball looked great. 12 pounds and 2 ounces! She took one look at my boobs while she helped get him dressed and the picture of the milk I had pumped...told me I was going to see the breast surgeon today. HUH?!
I pack up and leave. Crying begins (shocker, I am crying all the time now) when I get into the car and Meatball is happy and settled. I pull myself together and call the surgeon she referred me to. When I explained the situation, the nurse asked if I could come in ASAP. So I nursed the baby in the car for just a few minutes and off we were! Down in the ritzy area...across from Saks...beautiful building on the 14th floor...oy. Going to need the stroller for this one!
I have to admit, I was really scared at this point. A doctor who does not know me at all if asking me to come in right away...I cried almost the whole way there. LOL
After being examined, the doctor said she did not notice anything odd or unusual in my breasts. She took a sample to see if blood was present in the milk and it was clear. She took a sample of my milk to be tested. She told me that everything was looking good and the only other thing she thinks might give us a clearer picture would be an ultrasound and a mammogram. FUN.
I offered to nurse the baby and see if he could make it happen. She took me up on the offer since he was hungry anyways! But that didn't work either.
Just as we were finishing up the exam and talking, the fire alarm in the building begins to go off. At first we ignored it but then the nurse told me I needed to get dressed so we could evacuate. WTF! Remember I said we were on the 14th floor?! Really?! Today this had to happen?! So I get myself together and get Meatball in the carseat. The nurse is kind enough to help me carry the stroller down the packed stairwell. We were moving so slowly...I hope nothing is really happening :( Get down to the garage and get out as fast as I can...that is all I am thinking. This all just needs to be over.
So no news or word yet on what's wrong with my bloody boob. I will have the scans done today and then we will go from there. I am just glad that "possibly one of the worst days ever" is now over. Just sad this all had to happen on mommy's last days off on maternity leave.
Did you know you should be taking calcium when breastfeeding? Yup, I learned that the hard way. Never chipped a tooth in my entire life until last night when I was just walking up the stairs. Not the kind of chip you can see but sure makes my tongue feel funny. I had to make an appointment in the am to get if fixed...this was just one of the first fun events to start this great day...although I did get it fixed in the morning it later would become a small issue in comparison.
The other night, I was nursing Meatball on the the side with the fissure that felt much better and had healed. All was good until I noticed pink around the color of his shirt. After checking him real closely, I figure the fissure had bled a little and it just looked worse than it was. No other issues.I nursed on that side several times and no problem. The next morning, I work up and decided to try tandem nursing and pumping. Worked well and I managed it. Note to self it would work if needed now that I am getting ready to start back at work. We sat together playing after he finished and he was just smiling and so happy! We were having a good time until he started spitting up blood...red blood...with other thicker chunks...I freaked out.
Again, we decided to chalk it up to the bad boob. It obviously was not healed all the way so I nursed less on that side during the day and it was all good. I decided to pump that night to give it all a rest. Meatball was asleep and I took advantage of the quiet, dark room to just relax while I pumped. I felt a little strange on my right side so I looked down only to see blood coming out along with the milk. Lots of blood. I kept going with pumping thinking this would stop and it was normal since I had heard of people having a little blood in their milk...but more and more came. When I finished my 3 oz bottle, 1 oz of it was blood and tissue. My pump was clogged and I was scared.
After emailing my LC to let her know what had been going on, I let the bottle sit.Once it all settled, the milk was still RED and there was a good ounce of stuff that was not supposed to be there at the bottom of the bottle. My LC wrote back and demanded I come in to the office in the morning so she could see me.
She did a quick weigh check and Meatball looked great. 12 pounds and 2 ounces! She took one look at my boobs while she helped get him dressed and the picture of the milk I had pumped...told me I was going to see the breast surgeon today. HUH?!
I pack up and leave. Crying begins (shocker, I am crying all the time now) when I get into the car and Meatball is happy and settled. I pull myself together and call the surgeon she referred me to. When I explained the situation, the nurse asked if I could come in ASAP. So I nursed the baby in the car for just a few minutes and off we were! Down in the ritzy area...across from Saks...beautiful building on the 14th floor...oy. Going to need the stroller for this one!
I have to admit, I was really scared at this point. A doctor who does not know me at all if asking me to come in right away...I cried almost the whole way there. LOL
After being examined, the doctor said she did not notice anything odd or unusual in my breasts. She took a sample to see if blood was present in the milk and it was clear. She took a sample of my milk to be tested. She told me that everything was looking good and the only other thing she thinks might give us a clearer picture would be an ultrasound and a mammogram. FUN.
I offered to nurse the baby and see if he could make it happen. She took me up on the offer since he was hungry anyways! But that didn't work either.
Just as we were finishing up the exam and talking, the fire alarm in the building begins to go off. At first we ignored it but then the nurse told me I needed to get dressed so we could evacuate. WTF! Remember I said we were on the 14th floor?! Really?! Today this had to happen?! So I get myself together and get Meatball in the carseat. The nurse is kind enough to help me carry the stroller down the packed stairwell. We were moving so slowly...I hope nothing is really happening :( Get down to the garage and get out as fast as I can...that is all I am thinking. This all just needs to be over.
So no news or word yet on what's wrong with my bloody boob. I will have the scans done today and then we will go from there. I am just glad that "possibly one of the worst days ever" is now over. Just sad this all had to happen on mommy's last days off on maternity leave.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
I may be fat forever
I made the mistake of making lactation cookies today. They contain some ingredients that are supposed to support lactation.
http://www.food.com/recipe/oatmeal-chocolate-chip-lactation-cookies-by-noel-trujillo-192346
They are soooo good. I made a full batch...mistake 1.
I ate more than I should have...mistake 2.
They are loaded in calories. BUT they will possibly be another way for me to increase my supply!
After eating too many and making myself feel sick, I put them in freezer bags for later. Have a feeling I will be pulling them out of the freezer more often than I should.
I may be fat forever...
http://www.food.com/recipe/oatmeal-chocolate-chip-lactation-cookies-by-noel-trujillo-192346
They are soooo good. I made a full batch...mistake 1.
I ate more than I should have...mistake 2.
They are loaded in calories. BUT they will possibly be another way for me to increase my supply!
After eating too many and making myself feel sick, I put them in freezer bags for later. Have a feeling I will be pulling them out of the freezer more often than I should.
I may be fat forever...
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
It's here!!
So I am officially 24 hours into the domperidone. Some say they notice a difference within this time frame but I was not expecting it. If I can see a difference by next week, I will be happy.
It's pretty easy to use...3 pills 3 times a day. They come in blister packs so I can throw some in diaper bag and have with me. I am a little worried that I am getting the headache side effect...dull and achy on my forehead and temples. If I lower the dose by a pill, it should go away. However, I can deal. When I got pregnant with Meatball, it was after using 150 mg of Clomid. I got awful headaches and blurry vision but I trucked on and got pregnant with a sticky baby! Maybe this headache is a good sign :)
I am beat...off to bed!
It's pretty easy to use...3 pills 3 times a day. They come in blister packs so I can throw some in diaper bag and have with me. I am a little worried that I am getting the headache side effect...dull and achy on my forehead and temples. If I lower the dose by a pill, it should go away. However, I can deal. When I got pregnant with Meatball, it was after using 150 mg of Clomid. I got awful headaches and blurry vision but I trucked on and got pregnant with a sticky baby! Maybe this headache is a good sign :)
I am beat...off to bed!
Monday, May 2, 2011
Exercising and breastfeeding - a no no!
Nipple fissure or better known as jogger's nipple. Yup. That's what it's called and that's what I got :( It hurts like something awful! We went camping this weekend with Meatball for the first time. On Saturday morning, I noticed something was not right. After a quick glance, I noticed a huge hole in the center of one of my nipples!! My husband also thought it was not right but had no advice lol. It was so painful, too. I cringed thinking about his next feeding and needing that side again. I took a picture of it with my cell phone...yup totally happened...and emailed it to my lactation consultant. She probably thinks I am nuts. What's up with these emails I have been sending lately :) She writes back and tells me it's a fissure...ouch is all I can say.
Just started working out and I know my bra was not "good enough" for my activity. This is the result. Therefore, exercise, I will see you later...
Just started working out and I know my bra was not "good enough" for my activity. This is the result. Therefore, exercise, I will see you later...
Thursday, April 28, 2011
I need today to end
I am hating today right now. Tears streaming down my face. Sitting in the glider next to my beautiful son that is happily sleeping. To my right is the insane breast pump that I hook myself up to as often as possible in an attempt to EBF my beautiful son. He's 11 weeks old and my efforts have not worked yet. I hate today.
And I have to go back to work in two weeks. TWO WEEKS is all I have left to cherish every little moment with this amazing little guy. Two weeks to enjoy watching him wake up and smile and giggle in his pjs while I say good morning over and over. Two weeks to nurse on demand knowing that no matter what is wrong, I can always soothe him as soon as he latches on. Two weeks to hold him on my chest and nap when either of us need it. Uggh my heart breaks just thinking about the short time we have left.
On a positive note, I only have to go back for 5 weeks and then I have all summer. After the summer, I am sure I will be having the same awful feelings I am right now. I can't even think about it...
Some days I am so proud of myself for almost EBF Meatball. Some days I feel like such a failure for not being able to EBF. I am so hard on myself. The reduction was something I had to BEG for. I considered it in my late teens, sought opinions from doctors and waiting it out until I was 20. Even then, I had to write persuasive letters to my insurance company to cover this "medically necessary" surgery. Did I need it? Was it really medically necessary? Would I be in a different place now if I didn't go through with the surgery? I remember asking if I could breastfeed after the surgery and clearly remember the plastic surgeon saying, "Some women that did not have a reduction cannot breastfeed." I chose this path. The scars are clearly still there. I am lactating and able to feed my son ALMOST exclusively BM. I just cannot get rid of the guilt I have for having to give him formula because of my decision so many years ago.
It's all so stupid. Formula is not poison. I know many beautiful FF babies. Those moms are happy with their decision to FF. Why can't I be happy with being able to almost EBF and give formula if needed? Why am I terrified to dig into the small, pathetic freezer stash I have to supplement? If I use any from the freezer, I worry I will never be able to replace them...
Dom is still not here. Tomorrow will be 13 days since I ordered it. I remember all of those 13 days since I made the decision, my last effort to increase my supply in an attempt to EBF, and how fast those days went. Just the same number of days about until I will have to leave my beautiful son and return to work. I am so terrified that those 5 weeks of work will completely ruin my supply since I do not respond well to the pump and BF will end all together. I am not ready to end my nursing relationship with Meatball...I can't. Just thinking about it makes me hold him tighter and nurse him more. I have worked so hard to get where we are and I am so scared it will be thrown away because I have to go back to work.
I need today to end and I hope tomorrow my heart is not so full of worry and sadness...
And I have to go back to work in two weeks. TWO WEEKS is all I have left to cherish every little moment with this amazing little guy. Two weeks to enjoy watching him wake up and smile and giggle in his pjs while I say good morning over and over. Two weeks to nurse on demand knowing that no matter what is wrong, I can always soothe him as soon as he latches on. Two weeks to hold him on my chest and nap when either of us need it. Uggh my heart breaks just thinking about the short time we have left.
On a positive note, I only have to go back for 5 weeks and then I have all summer. After the summer, I am sure I will be having the same awful feelings I am right now. I can't even think about it...
Some days I am so proud of myself for almost EBF Meatball. Some days I feel like such a failure for not being able to EBF. I am so hard on myself. The reduction was something I had to BEG for. I considered it in my late teens, sought opinions from doctors and waiting it out until I was 20. Even then, I had to write persuasive letters to my insurance company to cover this "medically necessary" surgery. Did I need it? Was it really medically necessary? Would I be in a different place now if I didn't go through with the surgery? I remember asking if I could breastfeed after the surgery and clearly remember the plastic surgeon saying, "Some women that did not have a reduction cannot breastfeed." I chose this path. The scars are clearly still there. I am lactating and able to feed my son ALMOST exclusively BM. I just cannot get rid of the guilt I have for having to give him formula because of my decision so many years ago.
It's all so stupid. Formula is not poison. I know many beautiful FF babies. Those moms are happy with their decision to FF. Why can't I be happy with being able to almost EBF and give formula if needed? Why am I terrified to dig into the small, pathetic freezer stash I have to supplement? If I use any from the freezer, I worry I will never be able to replace them...
Dom is still not here. Tomorrow will be 13 days since I ordered it. I remember all of those 13 days since I made the decision, my last effort to increase my supply in an attempt to EBF, and how fast those days went. Just the same number of days about until I will have to leave my beautiful son and return to work. I am so terrified that those 5 weeks of work will completely ruin my supply since I do not respond well to the pump and BF will end all together. I am not ready to end my nursing relationship with Meatball...I can't. Just thinking about it makes me hold him tighter and nurse him more. I have worked so hard to get where we are and I am so scared it will be thrown away because I have to go back to work.
I need today to end and I hope tomorrow my heart is not so full of worry and sadness...
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Reaching out to a stranger...
Not really sure why. I googled something about BFAR and a good pump...came across a post from a BFAR mom with two sons that had no difficulties with BF. I was excited to have someone like me. I was happy for her that she didn't have issues. And I was jealous as hell. I found a link to her own blog and I dropped her an email...
Hi!
I was googling and came across a post you wrote about being BFAR. I promise I am not stalking you...guess just reaching out?! :)
I had my first son 11 wks ago. He is the center of my world now. I decided I wanted to BF after having a reduction in 2003. When I got pregnant, I sought support from LC in my area and was told I was going to have to formula feed. No one supported me or my efforts.
Long story short, my son had weight issues in the beginning and it was blamed on the reduction. Through my pediatrician not being supportive of BFAR or any LCs, I trucked on. I still am :)
My son is not EBF. He's not a big chunky monkey like the peds like but he's a good size. He gets a little bit of formula daily when he does not seem satisfied. My supply is still low despite my efforts...hospital grade pump after every feeding, fenugreek, oatmeal, mothers milk, etc. Waiting on my shipment of domperidone as a last ditch effort to EBF. I return to work soon and will miss about 3 of his feedings. I will work for 5 weeks and then be home all summer since I am a teacher. He will be back to nursing over the summer and until 6 months old.
I am rambling now. Guess I am just excited to have found someone else in the same journey. I am happy that your supply doesn't suck like mine and jealous at the same time. I cannot tell you how many tears I have shed over this not being a success story like yours. My success is different than yours and that's ok but I am not yet ok with having to provide formula. I fight it daily and my heart still breaks a little that I chose this path and this is the outcome because of my actions. Nothing worse than feeling like you have failed your child and not been able to provide what he needs because of a selfish choice. I keep thinking one day I will wake up and be ok with having to supplement and proud that I can provide him the BM that I do but it hasn't happened yet. I hope one day I will be able to "define my own success" and stop beating myself up over BFAR.
So thanks for posting your story. It's nice to know others that have had the same worries and concerns.
Thanks again! And I apologize for my long winded email...
Meatball's Mommy
She likely thinks I am insane and probably will delete my email :) Not sure what I am looking for by emailing her but I sent it. HAHA. I have become a person I don't recognize at times...
Hi!
I was googling and came across a post you wrote about being BFAR. I promise I am not stalking you...guess just reaching out?! :)
I had my first son 11 wks ago. He is the center of my world now. I decided I wanted to BF after having a reduction in 2003. When I got pregnant, I sought support from LC in my area and was told I was going to have to formula feed. No one supported me or my efforts.
Long story short, my son had weight issues in the beginning and it was blamed on the reduction. Through my pediatrician not being supportive of BFAR or any LCs, I trucked on. I still am :)
My son is not EBF. He's not a big chunky monkey like the peds like but he's a good size. He gets a little bit of formula daily when he does not seem satisfied. My supply is still low despite my efforts...hospital grade pump after every feeding, fenugreek, oatmeal, mothers milk, etc. Waiting on my shipment of domperidone as a last ditch effort to EBF. I return to work soon and will miss about 3 of his feedings. I will work for 5 weeks and then be home all summer since I am a teacher. He will be back to nursing over the summer and until 6 months old.
I am rambling now. Guess I am just excited to have found someone else in the same journey. I am happy that your supply doesn't suck like mine and jealous at the same time. I cannot tell you how many tears I have shed over this not being a success story like yours. My success is different than yours and that's ok but I am not yet ok with having to provide formula. I fight it daily and my heart still breaks a little that I chose this path and this is the outcome because of my actions. Nothing worse than feeling like you have failed your child and not been able to provide what he needs because of a selfish choice. I keep thinking one day I will wake up and be ok with having to supplement and proud that I can provide him the BM that I do but it hasn't happened yet. I hope one day I will be able to "define my own success" and stop beating myself up over BFAR.
So thanks for posting your story. It's nice to know others that have had the same worries and concerns.
Thanks again! And I apologize for my long winded email...
Meatball's Mommy
She likely thinks I am insane and probably will delete my email :) Not sure what I am looking for by emailing her but I sent it. HAHA. I have become a person I don't recognize at times...
Monday, April 25, 2011
3 month growth spurt
It's coming...
I was so hoping the Dom would be here before it started but it does not look like it will be. Meatball has nursed, slept, and cried all day. The crying got worse as the evening went on. There was nothing I could do to help except nurse him. After the nursing extravaganza, he might actually be full now.
So tired of pumping and getting pathetic amounts. Most are done with the 2.5 oz bottles but 3 months...not me! Still use them pretty much all the time :)
Come on Dom...get here!! I need to feed this growing kid!!
I was so hoping the Dom would be here before it started but it does not look like it will be. Meatball has nursed, slept, and cried all day. The crying got worse as the evening went on. There was nothing I could do to help except nurse him. After the nursing extravaganza, he might actually be full now.
So tired of pumping and getting pathetic amounts. Most are done with the 2.5 oz bottles but 3 months...not me! Still use them pretty much all the time :)
Come on Dom...get here!! I need to feed this growing kid!!
Friday, April 22, 2011
Don't cry over spilled milk...
Who ever came up with that saying never had supply issues!
I just lost half and ounce transferring from bottles to freezer bags and lost it to the counter :( Damn it....
I just lost half and ounce transferring from bottles to freezer bags and lost it to the counter :( Damn it....
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Controlling your feelings
Whenever I think about Meatball getting formula, I get upset. I don't think I am upset about the formula itself as I am just disappointed. Many moms that I have spoken to that BF or tried BF and quit or were not able to do it had a moment where they became ok with formula feeding. Why have I not had that feeling? Why is it that Meatball just got a bottle of formula before bed to help him sleep a little longer (request from dad) and I am bitter about it. I have struggled so much with BF at this point...why have I not had this moment of release? I will continue to make this work however I can as long as I feel like I need to. But am I ever going to tell myself it's not worth the stress, effort, tears, dedication, etc? Can't I make myself ok with my feeling?
I am beat. Meatball did not sleep well last night but STTN the past 2 nights. Between getting up to pump and then last night, I am surprised I have any milk. I am literally falling asleep right now...
I am beat. Meatball did not sleep well last night but STTN the past 2 nights. Between getting up to pump and then last night, I am surprised I have any milk. I am literally falling asleep right now...
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Still truckin'
Still trucking through this journey and trying hard as hell to make myself into a cow. Ain't happening.
Regardless of all the pumping, capsules of fenugreek, bowls of oatmeal, cups of Mother's Milk, it just is not happening. Thought the Classic pump would be the answer. Nope. Thought the herbs would be the answer. Nope. Thought praying would be the answer. Nope.
So we are going with Domperidone. LC thinks it's the way to go. I am stuck at 3 oz and that's a good pump. Never any more. Just sucks. Some people can pump for 5 mins and have gallons. I hook myself up to this pump so many times a day and still not getting what I want. Just sucks. So I ordered my meds and they should be here within the next 2 weeks!
Oddly enough, I just pumped after nursing...5 oz?! WTF?! Sure am not going to complain but sure it's a fluke...
Regardless of all the pumping, capsules of fenugreek, bowls of oatmeal, cups of Mother's Milk, it just is not happening. Thought the Classic pump would be the answer. Nope. Thought the herbs would be the answer. Nope. Thought praying would be the answer. Nope.
So we are going with Domperidone. LC thinks it's the way to go. I am stuck at 3 oz and that's a good pump. Never any more. Just sucks. Some people can pump for 5 mins and have gallons. I hook myself up to this pump so many times a day and still not getting what I want. Just sucks. So I ordered my meds and they should be here within the next 2 weeks!
Oddly enough, I just pumped after nursing...5 oz?! WTF?! Sure am not going to complain but sure it's a fluke...
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Freezer stash
Since Meatball's birth, I have been slowing sticking a bag of breastmilk in the deep freezer here and there. If I got any extra one day, I put it down there. I hadn't put any down there for about a month since I have been short. However, I got to go freeze a couple of bags today.
46 oz freezer stash thus far! WOOOO HOOOO!
At least half of that came from the past couple of days. Now that I see there's some reserves that could take him through a day at least, I am more determined to pump. I was going to keep this pump for only a week or two but now have decided it's mine for the next month. I will return it right before going back to school. Then I will go back to the Medela PNS since I can carry that one. If I can always have a day or two in reserves, I would be soo happy. If I could do more, that would be great but not sure that is feasible.
So here we are 5 days without an ounce of formula! Got a freezer stash going and haven't had to use formula in a few days...looks like we are on our way to exclusively breastfeeding!
46 oz freezer stash thus far! WOOOO HOOOO!
At least half of that came from the past couple of days. Now that I see there's some reserves that could take him through a day at least, I am more determined to pump. I was going to keep this pump for only a week or two but now have decided it's mine for the next month. I will return it right before going back to school. Then I will go back to the Medela PNS since I can carry that one. If I can always have a day or two in reserves, I would be soo happy. If I could do more, that would be great but not sure that is feasible.
So here we are 5 days without an ounce of formula! Got a freezer stash going and haven't had to use formula in a few days...looks like we are on our way to exclusively breastfeeding!
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Today was a good day!
Meatball is getting fussy and pumping session tonight is not going to last...
NO FORMULA GIVEN TODAY!! Woooo hoooo!!
He was nursing a lot today and I just rolled with it...whipped it out whenever he fussed and we did the 3rd boob technique...
Good day!!
NO FORMULA GIVEN TODAY!! Woooo hoooo!!
He was nursing a lot today and I just rolled with it...whipped it out whenever he fussed and we did the 3rd boob technique...
Good day!!
Saturday, April 2, 2011
To quit or not to quit
Today I am ready to throw in the towel. It's not only the nursing and pumping schedule that's getting me...hell, I can't even keep up with it when I am home alone...it's disappointment when I have to supplement a lot. Today was one of those days. Back to 8 oz today. He was nursing all day long so I really couldn't pump. It's after midnight and it's only my 3rd pump for the day. Pumping FAILURE. I don't think I will even be able to meet his needs. If I can't, why not just do all formula? Why am I fighting it and giving him the little BM I have. I could be popping all of these pills, drinking all this tea, eating all this oatmeal, and pumping the hell out of myself to get no more than what I am currently producing. Still not seeing a large increase yet...so feel like I never will.
And he slept so much today that he will be up all night...
So I am tired, need to do laundry and clean the house. Maybe I shouldn't fight his lack of sleep and just do what I have to do now and sleep tomorrow...
But I guess it's too soon to throw in the towel yet.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Give me just a minute to celebrate
I guess all of this pumping must be doing some good...
Meatball only had 2 ounces of formula today!! Everything else he had was mommy milk!! WOO HOO!!
We are nursing a little differently these days: nurse one side until he unlatches, burp, offer other side until he unlatches, burp, and offer first side again. I would continue over and over again if I had to because it seems to be working for him.
Not a big deal to many but sure is worth a celebration to me :)
Meatball only had 2 ounces of formula today!! Everything else he had was mommy milk!! WOO HOO!!
We are nursing a little differently these days: nurse one side until he unlatches, burp, offer other side until he unlatches, burp, and offer first side again. I would continue over and over again if I had to because it seems to be working for him.
Not a big deal to many but sure is worth a celebration to me :)
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Feeling a little overwhelmed
Caring for an infant is hard work. Never thought otherwise. Today, Meatball did not want to be out of my arms at all. He wanted to be held all day long. As you can imagine, this caused a huge issue with pumping. Hard to hook yourself up to a pump when a baby is sitting in your lap. Even harder to get a good pump going with the baby screaming and crying for you to hold him. It was a rough day.
On top of all this, I am finding it really hard to keep the house clean, do laundry, make dinner, and keep all of Meatball's things (bottles and pump parts) clean and ready to use. I lost it this evening with hubby came home...I was so tired and baby was screaming even though I was holding him. It was like I felt guilty for not having every thing done during the day. Hubby could care less but I just started crying. All I could get out over the tears was "I am feeling a little overwhelmed"...
Hormones, learning to be a mommy, nursing, pumping, etc...it's all very overwhelming :( Tomorrow has to be easier.
On top of all this, I am finding it really hard to keep the house clean, do laundry, make dinner, and keep all of Meatball's things (bottles and pump parts) clean and ready to use. I lost it this evening with hubby came home...I was so tired and baby was screaming even though I was holding him. It was like I felt guilty for not having every thing done during the day. Hubby could care less but I just started crying. All I could get out over the tears was "I am feeling a little overwhelmed"...
Hormones, learning to be a mommy, nursing, pumping, etc...it's all very overwhelming :( Tomorrow has to be easier.
The pain!
Full day into using the Classic. I have had 3 full pumping sessions and a few small ones since I am caring for an infant! Even still, I can get out twice as much as I could with the Symphony. Pretty sweet!
But man am I sore...between nursing as often as possible and using the motherload of all pumps, I am in pain. But if I can increase my production, I will take it.
Hardest part is I just cannot hold Meatball while pumping. I have tried. It's just too risky for him to knock out one of the bottles and lose everything I pumped. So I am forced to lay him in his crib after nursing...hoping he will sleep but most of the time just cries for me. Sitting next to your child when he is crying for you and you can't pick him up...that's a different kind of pain that I am not sure I will be able to learn to tolerate.
But man am I sore...between nursing as often as possible and using the motherload of all pumps, I am in pain. But if I can increase my production, I will take it.
Hardest part is I just cannot hold Meatball while pumping. I have tried. It's just too risky for him to knock out one of the bottles and lose everything I pumped. So I am forced to lay him in his crib after nursing...hoping he will sleep but most of the time just cries for me. Sitting next to your child when he is crying for you and you can't pick him up...that's a different kind of pain that I am not sure I will be able to learn to tolerate.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Breastfeeding angel
After much crying, I decided I needed to seek help from a LC. I was willing to pay whatever I needed to so I could get Meatball to latch without the shields and figure out a way to increase my supply.
Why get off the shields? Nipple shields, even though they are super thin decrease milk exchange about 28%. If the milk does not come out, baby does not get it and the body says it's not needed. So it stops making it. When your supply already sucks like with BFAR, you want that 28%...either in baby's belly or in your freezer stash!
My pedi was already skeptical of me EBF because of the reduction. Add nipple shields and I cannot tell you how many times she said it was just time to give it up and go to formula feeding. I was not going to do this. I had made it 6 weeks with him on the breast. He was gaining weight and was getting much better with nursing...so was I :) I was sitting on the floor in the living room one Sunday night before his 6 week weight check in and I just cried and cried. Why? Because I was terrified to go to the appointment and he not have gained enough to make her happy and was going to force me to stop nursing. I was so scared. I decided then that it was time to find a new pediatrician.
Lucky for me, a great friend of mine told me about her pedi office and how they have a LC on staff. So you guessed it, I transferred.
Before I could even get in to meet this LC, we chatted on the phone. She told me that we could do this and that she was going to get me a pump that would help with my supply. She called in some cream to help with my painful nips and would see me in a few days. If I needed her, all I had to do was email or call her!
She got me a Symphony and I was soooo excited. Sadly, once I got this bad boy home and tried it out, I was disappointed. I just was not getting what I was getting with the Pump in Style Advanced. I felt funny saying it but it was so try. I was worried my supply would go down even lower...if it was possible! I WAS only producing 3 oz during a normal pump...pathetic.
I emailed the LC and shared my thoughts. She had a solution to try another pump when I came in for the appointment on Tuesday...Tuesday could not come fast enough.
Cue breastfeeding angel. Her name is K. She is amazing. I don't even know why she is so amazing...maybe because I was so down in the dumps and desperate for help or because she was going to get me to reach my goal and did not tell me I could not do this. She knows her stuff and is just so pro breastfeeding. Whatever reason, she's an angel.
During our hour long appointment, she checked Meatball's latch, showed me positions to nurse in, and got me to try the new pump...the Medela Classic. When she hooked me up, I was skeptical. 2 minutes into pumping and 3 oz out...I was sold!
This thing is literally 22 pounds. It looks like a sewing machine. It is piston based and looks as though it needs to be driven in for an oil change every 3000 miles. It closes in a case with a leather belt. It could likely milk my husband.
So today is the start of something new...pumping with the MONSTER, nursing in all of our new positions, taking Fenugreek, and eating oatmeal...all as much as possible! All while working with the breastfeeding angel...
Because of this breastfeeding angel, I have made it another day and not given up on this journey.
Why get off the shields? Nipple shields, even though they are super thin decrease milk exchange about 28%. If the milk does not come out, baby does not get it and the body says it's not needed. So it stops making it. When your supply already sucks like with BFAR, you want that 28%...either in baby's belly or in your freezer stash!
My pedi was already skeptical of me EBF because of the reduction. Add nipple shields and I cannot tell you how many times she said it was just time to give it up and go to formula feeding. I was not going to do this. I had made it 6 weeks with him on the breast. He was gaining weight and was getting much better with nursing...so was I :) I was sitting on the floor in the living room one Sunday night before his 6 week weight check in and I just cried and cried. Why? Because I was terrified to go to the appointment and he not have gained enough to make her happy and was going to force me to stop nursing. I was so scared. I decided then that it was time to find a new pediatrician.
Lucky for me, a great friend of mine told me about her pedi office and how they have a LC on staff. So you guessed it, I transferred.
Before I could even get in to meet this LC, we chatted on the phone. She told me that we could do this and that she was going to get me a pump that would help with my supply. She called in some cream to help with my painful nips and would see me in a few days. If I needed her, all I had to do was email or call her!
She got me a Symphony and I was soooo excited. Sadly, once I got this bad boy home and tried it out, I was disappointed. I just was not getting what I was getting with the Pump in Style Advanced. I felt funny saying it but it was so try. I was worried my supply would go down even lower...if it was possible! I WAS only producing 3 oz during a normal pump...pathetic.
I emailed the LC and shared my thoughts. She had a solution to try another pump when I came in for the appointment on Tuesday...Tuesday could not come fast enough.
Cue breastfeeding angel. Her name is K. She is amazing. I don't even know why she is so amazing...maybe because I was so down in the dumps and desperate for help or because she was going to get me to reach my goal and did not tell me I could not do this. She knows her stuff and is just so pro breastfeeding. Whatever reason, she's an angel.
During our hour long appointment, she checked Meatball's latch, showed me positions to nurse in, and got me to try the new pump...the Medela Classic. When she hooked me up, I was skeptical. 2 minutes into pumping and 3 oz out...I was sold!
This thing is literally 22 pounds. It looks like a sewing machine. It is piston based and looks as though it needs to be driven in for an oil change every 3000 miles. It closes in a case with a leather belt. It could likely milk my husband.
So today is the start of something new...pumping with the MONSTER, nursing in all of our new positions, taking Fenugreek, and eating oatmeal...all as much as possible! All while working with the breastfeeding angel...
Because of this breastfeeding angel, I have made it another day and not given up on this journey.
Breastfeeding is so natural...
BS. We are somehow made to believe that BF is natural...you will know what to do once that baby is first placed in your arms and so will the baby. Load of crap...
I knew I was likely to have issues with this. I had a breast reduction in 2003, the summer before I graduated with my undergrad. I really thought I would not even lactate and Meatball was going to be a formula baby. At some point, this became not cool with me and I was not going to let it happen.
I started researching. I scoured the web. I searched for books. I sought advice on boards...little information I found did not look promising.
Then I was told by a friend on the Bump to check out another girl's profile that said she was a BFAR success story. I searched for this girl and when I found her, I was thrilled!
My friend's story was pretty uplifting. She had supply issues in the beginning and was forced to formula feed for a bit. She then began pumping to get her supply up and set small goals. Before she knew it, her little girl was a year and a half and had been EBF since she was about 4 weeks. Suddenly, this need and want to BF Meatball became even more desirable...a challenge I guess!
While waiting the last few weeks for Meatball's arrival, I contacted a couple of the county's lactation consultants. Without going into much detail, it was a waste of time and effort. There was never a positive or encouraging response received when I explained I was BFAR. Pretty much was always told in the end I would be formula feeding so why go to the trouble.
I then came across a book called Defining Your Own Success. It was written by a LLL Leader who had a reduction and was able to EBF. It had a lot of information which I felt even more armed with and was even more excited now that I had another success story...this one in writing! No one was going to stop me now!
When Meatball arrived, it was so important for us to get some skin to skin and get him to try and latch right away. Although I tried and tried hard, he would not latch. He was not interested at all and I was devastated...thought we were on a road to disaster from there. I did not give up though.
In the hospital, I continue to try and get him to latch. He did! He suckled and I was so happy. Didn't know if a thing was coming out but didn't even cross my mind at that point. My baby latched and I was sure we would be able to get the rest together.
All seemed great until our first appointment with the pediatrician and my little Meatball had "lost too much weight" in her opinion. She came out with a bottle of formula, a standard nipple, and offered it to my little (yellow) hungry baby. He gulped and chugged that thing down. I bawled right then and there. Yea I could get him to latch but I must not have anything coming out so I starved him...all I kept thinking to myself. After the appointment, I went home to pump as often as possible and to bottle feed Meatball to get his weight up.
Once I started pumping, I could see that I was lactating and a good amount. I was so thrilled and back to positive thinking...I got milk! I can do this!
Now that I have milk, let's get this baby to latch...pff. Breastfeeding is so not natural. Neither one of us knew what to do. He liked the nipples of the bottles and my small, flat nips were not cutting it for him. I would try to latch before every feeding. We would both sit there with our Boppy exhausted and with tears streaming down our faces. In the end, the screaming baby won and got a bottle...which I fed to him through tears and while weeping. I failed is all I could think to myself.
After crying all day and night long for days, crying to friends over the phone, and crying with the baby at each feeding time, I decided to try nipple shields. Once I got the damn thing on (which literally took HOURS), Meatball latched right away!! He was nursing...he was getting BM because I could see it pooling into the shield...he was sucking and swallowing!! I was and he was nursing!!
Prosthetic nipple. That's what it took to get my baby to the breast and nursing. And they say breastfeeding is so natural.
I knew I was likely to have issues with this. I had a breast reduction in 2003, the summer before I graduated with my undergrad. I really thought I would not even lactate and Meatball was going to be a formula baby. At some point, this became not cool with me and I was not going to let it happen.
I started researching. I scoured the web. I searched for books. I sought advice on boards...little information I found did not look promising.
Then I was told by a friend on the Bump to check out another girl's profile that said she was a BFAR success story. I searched for this girl and when I found her, I was thrilled!
My friend's story was pretty uplifting. She had supply issues in the beginning and was forced to formula feed for a bit. She then began pumping to get her supply up and set small goals. Before she knew it, her little girl was a year and a half and had been EBF since she was about 4 weeks. Suddenly, this need and want to BF Meatball became even more desirable...a challenge I guess!
While waiting the last few weeks for Meatball's arrival, I contacted a couple of the county's lactation consultants. Without going into much detail, it was a waste of time and effort. There was never a positive or encouraging response received when I explained I was BFAR. Pretty much was always told in the end I would be formula feeding so why go to the trouble.
I then came across a book called Defining Your Own Success. It was written by a LLL Leader who had a reduction and was able to EBF. It had a lot of information which I felt even more armed with and was even more excited now that I had another success story...this one in writing! No one was going to stop me now!
When Meatball arrived, it was so important for us to get some skin to skin and get him to try and latch right away. Although I tried and tried hard, he would not latch. He was not interested at all and I was devastated...thought we were on a road to disaster from there. I did not give up though.
In the hospital, I continue to try and get him to latch. He did! He suckled and I was so happy. Didn't know if a thing was coming out but didn't even cross my mind at that point. My baby latched and I was sure we would be able to get the rest together.
All seemed great until our first appointment with the pediatrician and my little Meatball had "lost too much weight" in her opinion. She came out with a bottle of formula, a standard nipple, and offered it to my little (yellow) hungry baby. He gulped and chugged that thing down. I bawled right then and there. Yea I could get him to latch but I must not have anything coming out so I starved him...all I kept thinking to myself. After the appointment, I went home to pump as often as possible and to bottle feed Meatball to get his weight up.
Once I started pumping, I could see that I was lactating and a good amount. I was so thrilled and back to positive thinking...I got milk! I can do this!
Now that I have milk, let's get this baby to latch...pff. Breastfeeding is so not natural. Neither one of us knew what to do. He liked the nipples of the bottles and my small, flat nips were not cutting it for him. I would try to latch before every feeding. We would both sit there with our Boppy exhausted and with tears streaming down our faces. In the end, the screaming baby won and got a bottle...which I fed to him through tears and while weeping. I failed is all I could think to myself.
After crying all day and night long for days, crying to friends over the phone, and crying with the baby at each feeding time, I decided to try nipple shields. Once I got the damn thing on (which literally took HOURS), Meatball latched right away!! He was nursing...he was getting BM because I could see it pooling into the shield...he was sucking and swallowing!! I was and he was nursing!!
Prosthetic nipple. That's what it took to get my baby to the breast and nursing. And they say breastfeeding is so natural.
Start here...
Didn't think blogging was my thing...
But it seems that everyone is doing it so I thought I would give it a shot.
My journey up to now has been an eventful one that might help others or just take up space on the internet. Either way, here I go...
I married my amazing husband in August 2008. We both wanted a family and pretty much wanted to start "trying" right away. We gave it a few months and then went all for it in March 2009. Things did not go as planned...
Long story short, due to a Thyroid disease called Hashimoto's, I was not ovulating. All the months we were trying were useless. It was going to be impossible for us to get pregnant without intervention.
My OB first prescribed Clomid for us and I took it not knowing the dangers of not being monitored. I was so optimistic and monitored for ovulation. I KNEW I ovulated on CD 21 and OB told me it was impossible because you ovulate on CD 14. She prescribed meds to end cycle and try again...but I waited to test...I was pregnant! Our little bean did not stick though...
After leaving that OB, I sought help from an RE. Not only did this amazing doctor manage my thyroid well, he would also be able to work with our fertility issues. After lots of rounds of Clomid and no response, we thought we would give it one more shot at 150 mg before moving on to injections with a likely chance of having to do IVF if there was a great response. Not needed though, I responded, was triggered, and IUI #1 did the trick. This little bean stuck and we named him Meatball :)
10 months later and just days before his due date based off of the IUI, Meatball arrived on February 8, 2011.
And I will start here....
But it seems that everyone is doing it so I thought I would give it a shot.
My journey up to now has been an eventful one that might help others or just take up space on the internet. Either way, here I go...
I married my amazing husband in August 2008. We both wanted a family and pretty much wanted to start "trying" right away. We gave it a few months and then went all for it in March 2009. Things did not go as planned...
Long story short, due to a Thyroid disease called Hashimoto's, I was not ovulating. All the months we were trying were useless. It was going to be impossible for us to get pregnant without intervention.
My OB first prescribed Clomid for us and I took it not knowing the dangers of not being monitored. I was so optimistic and monitored for ovulation. I KNEW I ovulated on CD 21 and OB told me it was impossible because you ovulate on CD 14. She prescribed meds to end cycle and try again...but I waited to test...I was pregnant! Our little bean did not stick though...
After leaving that OB, I sought help from an RE. Not only did this amazing doctor manage my thyroid well, he would also be able to work with our fertility issues. After lots of rounds of Clomid and no response, we thought we would give it one more shot at 150 mg before moving on to injections with a likely chance of having to do IVF if there was a great response. Not needed though, I responded, was triggered, and IUI #1 did the trick. This little bean stuck and we named him Meatball :)
10 months later and just days before his due date based off of the IUI, Meatball arrived on February 8, 2011.
And I will start here....
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