Seems I am just not able to keep up with the working full-time, pumping while at work, mommy, and wife thing...and plus blogging. Something has got to give and blogging seems to be put on the back burner more often than I would like.
The past month has been an uneventful one for me...and that's just dandy in my opinion. Last thing this momma needs is to add events into her life...especially with BF. Think I can safely say I already have had enough of those!
With that said, I am just about at 8.5 months of BF. I have had some ups and downs recently but as of right now, things are great! I had a huge supply dip a few weeks ago and I was only bringing home about 5 oz. I just couldn't keep up with the small 10 oz I need each day for Meatball while I am working. I would pump a few times at work and then several times while I was at home...and still was short of the 10 oz. My self-esteem dropped quickly and I began to doubt myself and my ability to do one of the most natural things a mother could ever do...even with formula supplementing, I was not able to provide the 10 oz of BM Meatball needed. Went through just a week or so of depression and feeling sorry for myself.
But I don't let those things stop me! No way! I kept trucking and suddenly got a little boost in supply! It went from having just an ounce extra in the fridge to having double of what I needed! I was a full day ahead in BM! Some may think that's not a big deal but not this momma!
Shockingly (haha), I got a little sentimental about it all last night. I wanted to blog but then I decided it would likely be too emotional so I just soaked it all up internally and decided to share it today...
Not many know about my journey to EBF. Those that do know about it, likely don't understand. They don't get my dedication, my drive, my purpose. They don't know what it's like to be told so many times by multiple healthcare providers that I would not be able to provide for my child. They don't know what it's like to want to provide and want to prove them wrong and then they end up being right in the end. They don't know what it's like to want to do the best for your child from the very start and being a failure from the minute motherhood began. But I do.
When I look back at the past 8.5 months, that's how I see it all. I just wanted (and still do) the absolute best for Meatball and I want to provide that however I can. To me, BF was one of the bests I could do for him from the minute I became a mother. And the minute I became a mother and struggled with BF, I feel like I failed.
And technically, I did. I had to supplement. I had to use nursing products to even get him to latch. I offered a bottle early on. He had weight issues since I was not nourishing him fully. All of those things can be seen as "failure" in the BF community.
Here's the difference: I didn't quit. Just because I was not able to offer Meatball the nursing relationship I so desperately wanted to, I offered to him what I could. And what I could offer was not good enough. I worked hard to offer him the best his EBF failure mother could offer. And I continue to do that. I take 9 pills a day to have any supply whatsoever. I spray pitocin up my nose several times a day. I often lose sleep so I can squeeze an extra pumping session in...all in hopes I can trick my body into thinking it can and should make more milk.
This EBF failure mom has done all that I can to provide as much BM as I can to Meatball. I started this journey 8.5 months ago thinking I would be able to provide 0% but wanting to provide 100%. Although it has changed here and there, I can say that I am now providing about 60-75% BM to Meatball. Every day. Not my 100% but far from that 0% that was predicted.
So in the end, this EBF failure mommy has proven to be anything BUT a failure.
And most important lesson here is not about the BM that I can or have provided to Meatball, but the dedication I have provided him as I journey into parenthood. I only hope he inherits my drive, dedication, and perseverance in life. It doesn't matter who understands my reasoning in this journey, just as long as Meatball understands that he is the reason I did all of this...
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