Our journey is over

Bittersweet. But I can officially say I nursed my son against all odds for 22 months. He may never have been EBF but it doesn't matter. What matters is what I gave him: health, a nursing relationship, and every bit of dedication I could muster. Through everything we went through, I am proud and full of love that I had this opportunity to give my son all I could. I'm sad our nursing relationship is now over but I look forward to the other bonds we build in different ways.
I owe meatball so much for teaching me about dedication and love and patience. For making me aware of my own breast health...for I would have never known what this tumor would have become if I didn't nurse. I owe him so much for blessing me and allowing me to be his mommy. And I will always do my best for him to show my appreciation.
I don't know where I stand in the rest of the journey I have ahead of me to handle this issue in my breast that has caused so many issues and pain. But one day I will find a doctor covered by my insurance to fix it.
I hope one day I am able to provide for another child as I have for meatball. Until then I will cherish the memories of our bo bo sessions and live in the new memories we build together.

Success defined

There was a time not so long ago where I called myself a breast feeding failure. And I fully, whole-heartedly believed this. Over these past 15 months, I have proven I am far from a failure. Others saw it. I just had not. Yet.

Meatball is 15 months old.
I haven't tracked the number of ounces I have pumped. I haven't tracked the number of hours I've nursed. Because to me that doesn't matter.
At one point in this journey, ounces mattered. Hours mattered. But not anymore.

Meatball is healthy. Very healthy.
I am healthy. Very healthy...and still working hard on making myself healthier.

Meatball has had BM every day of his life. Some days were filled in with more formula than I would have liked and yet there were many days he had nothing but BM. (Those are my proudest days.) But in the big picture of all of it, it does not matter.

I have finally defined my success. I have realized I'm not a failure. I am proud. So proud. I am a BFAR success story.

Finally some good news!!

Last week, I went in for a follow up ultrasound. Besides having to sit and wait the appointment went well!! Ultrasound shows the tumor ad "stable" and hasn't changed in size or shape. I was very relieved to hear this!!

Today I go see dr. P to follow up with her and see what should be done :)

On a side note, insurance is supposed to provide me with a response to my appeal today. Today is their due date. Interested to see what will happen. Wil I have to fight or will they just cover it all? Well see!

I'm going to make sure it all gets covered no matter how long it takes. So they might as well just agree. :)

Looks like I might be closing shop soon!!

With the little amount of milk I am making now it might actually be possible for me to stretch out more time between pumps without being affected. If that can happen it looks like well be saying bye bye to the Bo Bo.

Right now I am finishing up the Dom with 1 pill three times a day. Shockingly when I first dropped my supply wasn't affected too much. But at this point I am only bringing hope about 4 ounces from pumping at work. That's pathetic.

Meatball is so good about taking new foods and such. He has transitioned well into drinking whole milk and almond milk along with the breast milk. So he has a little bit of all of it throughout the day. Even if he can have just a couple ounces of BM a day that would be awesome.

Ideally I would love to quit pumping and just maintain am and pm nursing. Even if just for a little bit. Not sure I am ready to take nursing away from this kid. He loves it. Like so much so I could see him not wanting to wean off...ever. DH made a joke the other night I would need to pump for him to go to prom....hahaha...ha?

I am so thankful for what I have been given and been able to give to meatball. I am so appreciative I defies the odds and proved so many wrong. I am so blessed to have had some amazing support to cheer me along the way to make it happen. And I may not have loved every minute of this journey but I can look back fondly and feel proud.

I think my success may have been defined...

Dwindle away

It's what my supply is doing. Yesterday I brought home like 5 ounces. Total. For the whole day. And when I pumped last night I only got 2.5 oz. I am pumping again this am and I am shocked at how pathetic my output it.

It's time to wean but I feel guilty bring the one that leads it. I feel guilty dropping my Dom dose again and seeing my ounces plummet even more.

Wish I could make myself feel like I did a good job and leave it at that but there's still many reasons I critique myself and what I did and what I could do differently. It'll never end.

I was able to provide BM to meatball for at least a year. I never ebf but I did a pretty good job. I need to be proud of myself. Sure wish I could make myself feel that :(

Weaning off the Dom

It's been almost a week of my taking 1 less pill each dose. And since joining Weight Watchers.

So far, my supply has stayed the same!! SHOCKING!! I am still pumping the same amount and I need to start thinking about how to wean one pumping session at work. I am not really sure how to do that but it needs to start happening. I am going to keep my lunch pumping session for now but I would really like to drop the morning. We'll see how that goes.

For now, cutting the meds and the calories have not tanked my supply...

Fingers crossed!! I'd love to nurse as long as Meatball wants to :)

Once there were 9...

And then there were 6.

Officially down to 6 pills of Domperidone a day compared to the 9 I have been taking for so long now. I thought my day of weaning would make me sad but it has not. It's been a busy day for my little Meatball and me.

I had planned to take this day off forever. I knew I would not be able to concentrate at work so it made sense just to make the day about us. I put him to bed last night for the last time as a baby. And then he work up at 11:30 screaming. Meatball screamed and cried all night long until 4:30. He would take short breaks in between to nap and then wake up picking up right where he left off.

He finally crashed around 5 am and slept until 11 am in my arms. He nursed on and off all night long and that was the only thing that would soothe him.

For the past year, nursing has always been the only thing that would always soothe him. Soothes hunger, sadness, pain, fear, everything. It's the go to when something needs to be fixed.

I cannot imagine what life will be like without nursing. I don't want to find out but I am pretty sure I will find out real soon.

In addition to cutting the Dom, I am also beginning Weight Watchers. On the first day, I noticed a change in my pumping right away but so far seems to be back to normal.

So I have made it a year. This blog serves as a record of my journey up my mountain to reach my goal. And now that I have reached it, I am not sure how to let go and move on. I don't think I can. Quitting our nursing relationship is going to be extremely challenging for me. I can feel the tears starting to well up...

He's almost a year...

-and you're STILL breastfeeding?
-so when do you think you'll stop nursing him?
-don't you think he's getting a little big to nurse?
-so when will you give him real milk?
-so shouldn't he just be drinking water?

These are just a few comments I hear when others see my nurse my 11 month old son. I do not think they are said to be rude or mean but rather ignorance.

It's sad to me that at 11 months, I am considered to be an extended breastfeeder. 11 months. Meatball is still a baby. He is not even supposed to have whole milk until 1 year. However, so many moms don't make it to the year mark that nursing past the child getting teeth or that squirmy phase is a little less common.

When these comments are said to me, I get uncomfortable. Not because I am not armed with statistics that prove breastfeeding is one of the greatest gifts I could ever give to Meatball and not just to a year but benefits are shown with continued breastfeeding through 2  years but because not everyone knows what I have done to get here. Not only have I made it to my goal *shy a couple of weeks but we'll say I have made it so far* but that I have defied the odds as a BFAR mom. Not many know what I have gone through in the past year and why this relationship is so amazing to me.

I have been so apprehensive about sharing this blog. I have said it many times...breastfeeding and this journey has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my life. And that says a lot coming from a girl that put herself through undergrad and graduate school. This blog contains my emotions and lowest points through this journey...some of the lowest in my life. This blog shows my weaknesses...not something I like to share.

But the entire purpose of me blogging my BFAR adventure was to share with others. To give other BFAR moms hope. To give other BFAR moms motivation. To give other BFAR moms a connection...something I felt like I truly needed when I started my BFAR relationship.

Soon I think I will be ready to share my past year with others. Not sure it'll be helpful at all but deep down, I hope it helps at least one BFAR mom. If I can support at least one BFAR mom in her journey, then all of this blogging will prove to be worthwhile.

But in the meantime, I'm ok with this little piece of me hiding in the depths of the Internet.

Mooooooo!!!

Not sure where this came from. I nursed at 730 am and just pumped. 2 hours later and I got 3.5 oz!! Pathetic to some...amazing to me!!

Come on boobies!!! Let's keep working!!

Another dip in supply??

Seems like we are back on the down side more than the up side. pumping at work has been totally depressing and I'm bringing home very little. Along with taking the domperidone I'm not sure what else I can do this late in the game. I so wish this had been easier o me...

I think of that often actually... What if this had all been easier. Would I enjoy it as much? Would I be such a stickler wanting as much BM for meatball as possible? Would I understand others perspectives that struggled when I didn't?

I'd love copious amounts of milk but I'll just take making whatever meatball needs. I cant afford a dip...go bother someone who can.

Doctor bills, insurance, and 30...oh my!

Yet again I have failed to maintain my blog. Seems like so long ago that I was posting almost daily because I was struggling with BF so much and this was my outlet to vent, celebrate, and just document my journey. And now here we are 11 months into the journey and BF itself is going so smoothly (kinda) that I don't "need" this as an outlet anymore. However, I still want to document my adventure.

Recently, I received a bill for my visits and biopsies from Dr. P. If you remember, Dr. P was not "in network" as my insurance calls it so I am responsible for partial payment. My own fault really since I did call from the very beginning for check and I knew she was not. However, I then attempted to then cancel my first biopsy and L refused to let me...Dr. P called me as well and told me we would figure it all out.

Well, it was figured out. Insurance paid their amount and then I was billed the remainder. Dr. P is doing a great job to help work something out with me to pay the balance. In all honesty, any is going to be more than we can truly afford right now.

Anyways, I was due for my 6 month check up in November. It's now December and I have not gotten to go. Why? Because I have this mounting bill at her office that I have no idea how I am going to pay and I feel guilty (?) returning for a visit when I know I cannot afford it.

But I need to go back and be monitored...by her or any breast surgeon.

So, on Friday, which happened to be my thirtieth birthday, I called a breast cancer at a hospital in the region to see if they accepted my insurance and if I was a candidate to be seen. I spoke with a nurse at length and explained my situation as best as I could. She was very knowledgeable and friendly. She gave me the contact information of the breast surgeon affiliated with the hospital since she thought the office was in my plan. When I called the office, I was told again they were in my plan. I attempted to schedule an appointment...disastrous. The girl on the phone was rushing me and acting as if I was inconveniencing her.  In the end, I was told to fax over my files from Dr. P's office BEFORE my appointment so they knew how much time to block for my case? Just seems stupid but I decided I didn't have a choice since this was the only breast surgeon I have been able to find in my insurance plan. Before calling Dr. P's office and explaining, I decided to check with the insurance first...just to confirm this doctor is in fact covered...

VERDICT: No. 2nd doctor not covered.

Uggh. So in speaking with such a sweet representative at the insurance company, I explain to her what I need and the difficulty I have had finding a doctor with this specialty that is covered. She confirms the lack of physicians in my plan with this specialty and transfers me to another department that begins to put in an exception for me to see Dr. P and have her classified as an IN NETWORK provider since there are no other breast surgeons in a 30 mile radius.

I'm sorry...what?!

I cannot tell you how many times I have called the insurance asking for this same thing. Never have I been told this is or was an option. So, I went with Dr. P since I HAD to have this problem looked it!!

I speak with another amazingly sweet girl that walks me through the process. Unfortunately, they are not able to backdate the approval but I think I will appeal if it does go through. But it has to go through...I don't have another option!

So, in the end this was the best 30th birthday present!! I am planning on writing a letter to the insurance company about the helpfulness and dedication of both of these girls.  In the meantime, I have to wait until next week to find out if future visits will be covered...

I pray it all works out since I need to go for the follow up ASAP!!

And on a side note, I nursed my 11 month old to sleep this evening...just like all other evenings. Yes, I said 11 month old. Unbelievable. How and when did that happen? Now I am really being hit with the fact that my job as milking mama will be over soon. Once I drop the Dom, I am pretty sure my body is going to stop production and I won't be able to keep up with an am and pm nursing session. This makes me so sad. Depressed actually...but that's a different post...

So happy birthday to me...and here's hoping things work out with the waiver :)