Biopsy: Take 2

Ok, so last Thursday was my scheduled nipple biopsy. I had debated the days before if I was actually going to go through with it or not. I could not decide it the biopsy was worth risking my nursing relationship permanently not only for Meatball but for any future little ones either. I have worked so hard to get to where I am in providing nutrition for my son even after being told by so many it would not be possible. I just could not imagine making yet another decision that could negatively affect my current or any future nursing  relationship.

But then Meatball had his 6 month appointment on Tuesday and it happened to be with K. I was looking forward to seeing her since she has been so amazingly supportive with my challenges and struggles with breastfeeding. When we first saw K, of course she asked about the nipple and wanted to see it...so I showed her. Only thing she could say was it HAD to be biopsied. Although I was skeptical, I trust her wholeheartedly and she would never lead me in the wrong direction. So decision was made to keep the appointment scheduled for the biopsy on Thursday.

On Wednesday am, I decided to give the dermatologist's office another chance and check on the cultures that were taken nearly a month ago. FINALLY, I got to speak with the PA that saw me. She informed me that the culture for bacteria came back negative and the fungal culture was inconclusive *said  it needed a few more days* but looked like it would be negative as well. I chatted with her briefly about the plan for the biopsy and her advice to me was to ask if I could try a steroid cream before having the biopsy done. Interestingly enough, I told her I had been on APNO for about a month after this issue started and had no improvement...at the time I did not know APNO contained a steroid but shouldn't she? Guess not...

So this just verified that I truly had tried everything to get this nipple healed. And it just was not happening...something is just not right with the nipple.

As I got ready for the biopsy on Wednesday night, I was really emotional...shocker. I just kept thinking about how difficult breastfeeding has been for me. Not one piece of it has been easy. From finding support, to having a good supply, needing to use shields, supplementing more than I wanted to, finding the tumors, a fissure starting, pumping blood, biopsies, etc...part of me was really feeling sorry for myself that it hasn't been so easy. Those that I know that have had a much easier time with BF make me very envious and those that could BF but decide not to make me a little angry, it all has been such an emotional time. But then I started to swell up with pride...

I made a decision many years ago to have a breast reduction. Even then I knew I wanted to BF but I still went through with it. Years later when motherhood became a reality and I was faced with another decision to make on how I was going to feed my child, I made the decision I would do whatever I could to do the best thing for my child. And the decision I made was to breastfeed. This decision has not been an easy road for me. I have had to advocate for myself and my wishes and trust my own instincts as a mother that I was doing the right thing and this struggle would be worth it. I have spent a great deal of time and money into making BF work for me, for us. I have had to swallow my pride and supplement even when I didn't want to because I knew I was not meeting Meatball's demands. I have learned how to differentiate between good and bad medical advice...medical advice that was given because it's easier for the doctor and advice that was given because the doctor truly has my and Meatball's best interest in mind. And with all of this BF roller coaster I have been on, I have still learned how to be a mom and build a strong, loving relationship with my son.

Early on, I could have taken the easy way out, given up, never looked back, and forgotten about my original desires to provide nutrition for my child. I could have, but I didn't. And for the first time ever, I really felt proud of myself for all I have done. I beamed knowing that I have had quite a journey to maintain , hell, even begin, this amazing nursing relationship with Meatball. And this relationship we have is something I will never forget...a bond stronger than I ever dreamed. No matter the outcome of this biopsy and where we go next with this nipple situation with Dr. P, I would cherish every since moment I have had nursing my little guy. And I pray that I can continue this relationship until he is ready to wean.

So, the biopsy hurt a lot less than I expected. Things went smoothly and quickly once the procedure got started. Dr. P talked me through the whole procedure so I knew what was going on. She was able to get a good sample of the abnormal cells since my nipple was so open. And after taking the sample, she didn't even need to stitch me because the tissue just fell back together. She warned me I would bleed for awhile and she showed me how to apply pressure if the bleeding was not stopping on its own. She advised me to pump for the rest of the day and maybe Friday depending on how I felt.

When I got home and I pumped throughout the day, I would get a lot of blood. I did a lot of pump and dump that day. On Friday am, I decided to try nursing Meatball while hubby was still here...and it went fine!! He nursed as normal all day Friday with no issues :)

So I go back on Wednesday am for the results. Dr. P will be out of town but L will be there for the appointment and to share the results and I guess we'll just go from there.

In the meantime, I will cherish every nursing session Meatball and I have. Even when I am really tired and he just nursed 30 minutes ago, I won't complain...and I will just be thankful that I have the opportunity...

A little unexpected news

Well, first things first...6 months ago today, I was blessed with the single most amazing thing I could ever ask for. My little Meatball is 6 months old today. He is such a happy, healthy, and easy going little guy. Every day, I fall more in love with him and am so thankful I have been blessed with such a wonderful child. He truly makes parenting "easy"...

Today also marks 3 months since the first bleeding episode. Along with this milestone, I had an appointment scheduled with Dr. P this morning to check in and make sure the tumor within my duct had not changed significantly.


The appointment went well. Meatball came along in case I needed an ultrasound, he would be there to empty my breast so that could be done. Things ran a little late and a little longer than expected.

Since I am still having occasional bleeding, Dr. P wanted to do an ultrasound to check on the tumor. All looked good with that. However, she is not at all pleased with the "situation" on my nipple. As she said, "This is no longer a fissure. This is an open sore and this is not ok."

I have tried everything under the sun to make this damn thing close. Short of ending my nursing relationship, I do not know what else can be done. Neither did she. So, her thoughts are we need to do a nipple biopsy and there's no reason to wait around to do this. It is scheduled for Thursday. :(

We spoke about what this entailed and what choices I have. Local or twilight anesthesia. In the end, she decided local is going to be best although I will not be able to get my breast completely numb. I will feel a great deal of the biopsy but she assures me it will be just a minute and I will need to just deal with the pain. She will use a small round drill to take out the tissue from the center of my nipple...which is already open. She likely won't even stitch it because it's already open and I am so used it it...

Another "problem" I am seeing with this biopsy is it might end my nursing relationship. I feel like I have been so lucky and worked so hard to beat the odds at this point...I have a sickening feeling this will be it. I am praying otherwise, but I just don't know how optimistic I can be right now.

And to top all of this off, I still have not paid her office for what I owe from the first biopsy. Add in the other appointments and now an additional biopsy - I have no idea how I/we can ever financially take care of the bill that I will be receiving from the office. It's going to be astronomical. But every time I ask about it and express my worries, I am told not to worry about it. I am told that it will be worked out. I called and asked if I could transfer to another office that is in my insurance providers and I was told not to. So I don't know what to think but I have a feeling in the pit of my tummy that there's going to be a bill left in my lap that I do not know how I will ever be able to afford.

I cannot believe I am going through these same worries and emotions all over again. I do not know if I can handle this. I have been so much stronger than I ever expected I could be...but just don't know if I can do this again...

And to end on a happy note: today, I get to celebrate 6 long, difficult months of loving my son and working so hard to give him one of the greatest gifts I could ever give him: breastmilk. I have worked so hard to reach this milestone. Every day and every ounce is a celebration still but 6 months is a BIG deal. Go me! And here's hoping I can make it another 6...God willing.

Looky here!!

Meatball and I met a friend for breakfast the other morning. I nursed him before leaving and we were only gone for a few hours. We were back around 3 hours after Meatball's last feeding and I was expecting him to be hungry...

But he wasn't! He was napping! No way am I waking him up to nurse at this point...

But I needed to pump so bad! So I ran upstairs, hastily hooked myself up and pumped. I didn't get on the computer, I didn't start reading...I was just standing around pumping and massaging to get this milk out.

And boy did it come out! It kept coming and coming and coming...

6 ounces later!!

I have NEVER pumped 6 oz in one pump! I didn't know what to do! So I took a picture -