Up for my middle of the night feeding/pumping session. Hate this one but can't seem to stop it. Meatball only takes one side and I just can't get the tandem pumping/nursing down in the middle of the night so I pump both sides after he falls asleep.
I just thought I should update on the crater...eh, fissure. It seems to be doing better. Not anywhere near healed but does not look so raw. If I could legally post pics of it without it being marked as inappropriate, I would. Believe me, when you google "nipple fissure" none of the images look like the trainwreck on my right breast. None.
But I guess using the soft shells and hydrogels are pulling it back together...not sure I'll ever have a normal nipple again but eh I guess I didn't really have a normal one before since I am BFAR and have my own set of incision scars!!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Excuse me, you have a little something right there...
On the front of your shirt. Yup, right in the front of your shirt. It's not little though...
I started wearing the Medela Soft Shells as recommended by K. They will let me nipple heal and hopefully come back together. K said I have to wear them until my nipple looks as good as hers :) Think I will be in these things forever.
They are not uncomfortable by any means. They look completely stupid though and are totally noticeable by anyone that glances at my boobs. But if it works, I will take them!
I am calling them my fake boobs. Problem with my fake boobs...they leak.
Once I have been in them for just a bit of time, I start to leak. They press against my breast some so I am leaking a little bit non stop on the right side with the fissure. There's a little sponge in there to help soak up the milk...which I cannot save and I have to sadly toss whatever is caught in the shell or in the sponge. Never fails that I end up leaning over just a tad to grab something or pick up the baby or change a diaper...you know that fun stuff...and the milk pours out of the poorly placed holes along the top to help with air flow. Once the milk pours out, I am drenched.
Meatball and I had our first trip to the beach this past week. We went on our own for just a few days and met a couple of girlfriends there with their babies. We had a great time but apparently I did not pack enough shirts...I went through 4 shirts on the last day. Four.
Funny part is, some would be embarrassed. Not me. I am proud of my spilled milk. A little pissed I did not get to bottle it to store or feed it to Meatball but proud that I am making enough to even drench my shirt.
So I have really gotten the chance to feel the "problems" some mothers have that have too much of a supply. Give me a drenched shirt any day and all day if it means I could feed my son BM. At least you can figure out a solution for a little drenched shirt...
I started wearing the Medela Soft Shells as recommended by K. They will let me nipple heal and hopefully come back together. K said I have to wear them until my nipple looks as good as hers :) Think I will be in these things forever.
They are not uncomfortable by any means. They look completely stupid though and are totally noticeable by anyone that glances at my boobs. But if it works, I will take them!
I am calling them my fake boobs. Problem with my fake boobs...they leak.
Once I have been in them for just a bit of time, I start to leak. They press against my breast some so I am leaking a little bit non stop on the right side with the fissure. There's a little sponge in there to help soak up the milk...which I cannot save and I have to sadly toss whatever is caught in the shell or in the sponge. Never fails that I end up leaning over just a tad to grab something or pick up the baby or change a diaper...you know that fun stuff...and the milk pours out of the poorly placed holes along the top to help with air flow. Once the milk pours out, I am drenched.
Meatball and I had our first trip to the beach this past week. We went on our own for just a few days and met a couple of girlfriends there with their babies. We had a great time but apparently I did not pack enough shirts...I went through 4 shirts on the last day. Four.
Funny part is, some would be embarrassed. Not me. I am proud of my spilled milk. A little pissed I did not get to bottle it to store or feed it to Meatball but proud that I am making enough to even drench my shirt.
So I have really gotten the chance to feel the "problems" some mothers have that have too much of a supply. Give me a drenched shirt any day and all day if it means I could feed my son BM. At least you can figure out a solution for a little drenched shirt...
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
I have made a decision
I have said it a million times...
But I am serious...
I want to become a lactation consultant.
I think I would be so good at this. I am obviously very pro breastfeeding. I will be able to provide a perspective that not all can and that is the struggle. I don't think I will ever forget what it feels like to not be able to provide enough. I will never forget what it's like to do everything you can and still have to provide that bottle for supplementing. It's tough.
So I am going to start looking into this. Seriously.
If I could become someone's Breastfeeding Angel, just one person, I would feel like my journey has all been worth it. After all, that's the purpose of me blogging all this is so someone else can learn about another's BFAR experience...something that not enough share publicly.
But I am serious...
I want to become a lactation consultant.
I think I would be so good at this. I am obviously very pro breastfeeding. I will be able to provide a perspective that not all can and that is the struggle. I don't think I will ever forget what it feels like to not be able to provide enough. I will never forget what it's like to do everything you can and still have to provide that bottle for supplementing. It's tough.
So I am going to start looking into this. Seriously.
If I could become someone's Breastfeeding Angel, just one person, I would feel like my journey has all been worth it. After all, that's the purpose of me blogging all this is so someone else can learn about another's BFAR experience...something that not enough share publicly.
Catching my breath
Not sure I am "at ease" with what has now become reality but I said it aloud today to my LC and I feel ok...not devastated.
Even with all of my efforts, Meatball just is not going to be an EBF. As much as this hurts for me to admit, I know I have tried everything I could to make this happen. I cannot say he will be half BM and half formula but I imagine it will be just about that if I were to measure it out. Sucks but I am less devastated than I have felt about this in the past.
Why am I suddenly not sobbing about this? Is it that I am tired from my exhausting efforts? Is it that I have know this would likely be the outcome for some time now and I am just now saying it? Is it that I feel proud that I have tried all I could to provide all BM to Meatball and haven't failed but just did not succeed? I would love to think it's the latter but I know myself too well and will never allow myself to believe that one.
Even since I posted last, I have added one last ditch effort to make more milk: Pitocin nasal spray. Although it does not encourage lactation, it helps with let down and if let down improves, the idea is the breast will empty better and if they empty better, the body will produce more milk.
This little bottle has to be made at a compounding pharmacy. I paid out of pocket for it...can't even tell you how much money breastfeeding has cost me at this point...and they shipped it to my house overnight. It has to be refrigerated which is a pain. One squirt before pumping or feeding and let down improves.
Although I hated Pitocin during my induction, this spray has really helped me. I release milk a lot easier and I don't have to squeeze it out of my boobs! It did help me release a tad bit more milk on my last couple of days of work, which was nice. 8 whole ounces those days as opposed to the 6.5 oz I normally would bring home. Pathetic none the less.
Well, in the end, all of my efforts just are not enough. Who knows if the real issue is my thyroid and prolactin levels or if all of this is due to the BFAR but it sucks. What doesn't suck is today I don't feel like a failure. I don't feel like a success but I don't feel like a failure either. I can't take anymore tears right now so maybe my consciousness is being kind to me today.
So although I feel like "My Journey" is kinda over, it really isn't. I haven't quit BF and I am not going to. Who knows what will happen from here...
But in the meantime, I am going to let me body and soul rest for this evening knowing that I have done all I could to EBF and it just isn't possible. I will let myself sleep through one of those middle of the night pumping sessions, save my heart from "I'm a failure" tears for at least tonight, and just give myself a chance to catch my breath from the past 4 months and 13 days of struggling. Whew.
Even with all of my efforts, Meatball just is not going to be an EBF. As much as this hurts for me to admit, I know I have tried everything I could to make this happen. I cannot say he will be half BM and half formula but I imagine it will be just about that if I were to measure it out. Sucks but I am less devastated than I have felt about this in the past.
Why am I suddenly not sobbing about this? Is it that I am tired from my exhausting efforts? Is it that I have know this would likely be the outcome for some time now and I am just now saying it? Is it that I feel proud that I have tried all I could to provide all BM to Meatball and haven't failed but just did not succeed? I would love to think it's the latter but I know myself too well and will never allow myself to believe that one.
Even since I posted last, I have added one last ditch effort to make more milk: Pitocin nasal spray. Although it does not encourage lactation, it helps with let down and if let down improves, the idea is the breast will empty better and if they empty better, the body will produce more milk.
This little bottle has to be made at a compounding pharmacy. I paid out of pocket for it...can't even tell you how much money breastfeeding has cost me at this point...and they shipped it to my house overnight. It has to be refrigerated which is a pain. One squirt before pumping or feeding and let down improves.
Although I hated Pitocin during my induction, this spray has really helped me. I release milk a lot easier and I don't have to squeeze it out of my boobs! It did help me release a tad bit more milk on my last couple of days of work, which was nice. 8 whole ounces those days as opposed to the 6.5 oz I normally would bring home. Pathetic none the less.
Well, in the end, all of my efforts just are not enough. Who knows if the real issue is my thyroid and prolactin levels or if all of this is due to the BFAR but it sucks. What doesn't suck is today I don't feel like a failure. I don't feel like a success but I don't feel like a failure either. I can't take anymore tears right now so maybe my consciousness is being kind to me today.
So although I feel like "My Journey" is kinda over, it really isn't. I haven't quit BF and I am not going to. Who knows what will happen from here...
But in the meantime, I am going to let me body and soul rest for this evening knowing that I have done all I could to EBF and it just isn't possible. I will let myself sleep through one of those middle of the night pumping sessions, save my heart from "I'm a failure" tears for at least tonight, and just give myself a chance to catch my breath from the past 4 months and 13 days of struggling. Whew.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Struggling to redefine my own success
So it's been a tough day today with little pumping success. After a little research, I found this great understanding that explains where I am right now...breastfeeding grief. May sound stupid or ridiculous to someone that has not struggled with breastfeeding but it's where I am. I can't get out of it. My heart breaks that I cannot EBF Meatball. I am saddened to give him a bottle and would not think of giving him one in public. I would hate for someone to look over at me and judge me for not breastfeeding. Breastfeeding grief. I need my time to mourn and go through the stages.
When I am ready, I will work on redefining my success. I am trying to daily but this is easier said than done.
Really, what does it mean to be successful when all of the odds are stacked against you? Breast reduction and a thyroid disease. I was screwed before I even started. I should be thankful I have been given what I have thus far. I should be thankful that I can provide him whatever I pump daily. I should be....so why am I not?
Redefining is going to take time...and I can see some ups and downs along the way.
When I am ready, I will work on redefining my success. I am trying to daily but this is easier said than done.
Really, what does it mean to be successful when all of the odds are stacked against you? Breast reduction and a thyroid disease. I was screwed before I even started. I should be thankful I have been given what I have thus far. I should be thankful that I can provide him whatever I pump daily. I should be....so why am I not?
Redefining is going to take time...and I can see some ups and downs along the way.
Needing a little encouragement today...
Been back to work for weeks at this point. I spend 2 hours a day at working in a closet pumping. Four thirty minute sessions. I am taking 9 pills of Dom a day. I take 9 pills of Fenugreek a day. I eat a billion bowls of oatmeal a day. I am drinking gallons of water a day.
I am still only bringing home 7.5 to 8 ounces from all sessions combined. While pumping in the middle of the night or while at home, I should be able to store that milk but I can't. Meatball gets whatever I pump at home the next day while I am working. I leave for work each day with only 10 ounces of BM left for him. He's taking in about 20 ounces while I am gone.
Math for this is easy. I make 10 ounces and he takes in 20 ounces. All of this work and only making HALF of what he needs. WTF.
At this point, I am not going to quit. I have invested in my own Symphony pump. I need to keep BF to lower my chances for breast cancer now that I am at a higher risk with the masses discovered.
Most days I could celebrate that I am giving him at least half of what he needs...today I am seeing the glass very half empty. I am just feeling defeated today. Wish I could provide all :( So envious of those that can and hate those that can and chose not to. It's a rough day...
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