Catching my breath

Not sure I am "at ease" with what has now become reality but I said it aloud today to my LC and I feel ok...not devastated.

Even with all of my efforts, Meatball just is not going to be an EBF. As much as this hurts for me to admit, I know I have tried everything I could to make this happen. I cannot say he will be half BM and half formula but I imagine it will be just about that if I were to measure it out. Sucks but I am less devastated than I have felt about this in the past.

Why am I suddenly not sobbing about this? Is it that I am tired from my exhausting efforts? Is it that I have know this would likely be the outcome for some time now and I am just now saying it? Is it that I feel proud that I have tried all I could to provide all BM to Meatball and haven't failed but just did not succeed? I would love to think it's the latter but I know myself too well and will never allow myself to believe that one.


Even since I posted last, I have added one last ditch effort to make more milk: Pitocin nasal spray. Although it does not encourage lactation, it helps with let down and if let down improves, the idea is the breast will empty better and if they empty better, the body will produce more milk.

This little bottle has to be made at a compounding pharmacy. I paid out of pocket for it...can't even tell you how much money breastfeeding has cost me at this point...and they shipped it to my house overnight. It has to be refrigerated which is a pain. One squirt before pumping or feeding and let down improves.

Although I hated Pitocin during my induction, this spray has really helped me. I release milk a lot easier and I don't have to squeeze it out of my boobs! It did help me release a tad bit more milk on my last couple of days of work, which was nice. 8 whole ounces those days as opposed to the 6.5 oz I normally would bring home. Pathetic none the less.

Well, in the end, all of my efforts just are not enough. Who knows if the real issue is my thyroid and prolactin levels or if all of this is due to the BFAR but it sucks. What doesn't suck is today I don't feel like a failure. I don't feel like a success but I don't feel like a failure either. I can't take anymore tears right now so maybe my consciousness is being kind to me today.

So although I feel like "My Journey" is kinda over, it really isn't. I haven't quit BF and I am not going to. Who knows what will happen from here...

But in the meantime, I am going to let me body and soul rest for this evening knowing that I have done all I could to EBF and it just isn't possible. I will let myself sleep through one of those middle of the night pumping sessions, save my heart from "I'm a failure" tears for at least tonight, and just give myself a chance to catch my breath from the past 4 months and 13 days of struggling. Whew.