I need today to end

I am hating today right now. Tears streaming down my face. Sitting in the glider next to my beautiful son that is happily sleeping. To my right is the insane breast pump that I hook myself up to as often as possible in an attempt to EBF my beautiful son. He's 11 weeks old and my efforts have not worked yet. I hate today.

And I have to go back to work in two weeks. TWO WEEKS is all I have left to cherish every little moment with this amazing little guy. Two weeks to enjoy watching him wake up and smile and giggle in his pjs while I say good morning over and over. Two weeks to nurse on demand knowing that no matter what is wrong, I can always soothe him as soon as he latches on. Two weeks to hold him on my chest and nap when either of us need it. Uggh my heart breaks just thinking about the short time we have left.

On a positive note, I only have to go back for 5 weeks and then I have all summer. After the summer, I am sure I will be having the same awful feelings I am right now. I can't even think about it...

Some days I am so proud of myself for almost EBF Meatball. Some days I feel like such a failure for not being able to EBF. I am so hard on myself. The reduction was something I had to BEG for. I considered it in my late teens, sought opinions from doctors and waiting it out until I was 20. Even then, I had to write persuasive letters to my insurance company to cover this "medically necessary" surgery. Did I need it? Was it really medically necessary? Would I be in a different place now if I didn't go through with the surgery? I remember asking if I could breastfeed after the surgery and clearly remember the plastic surgeon saying, "Some women that did not have a reduction cannot breastfeed." I chose this path. The scars are clearly still there. I am lactating and able to feed my son ALMOST exclusively BM. I just cannot get rid of the guilt I have for having to give him formula because of my decision so many years ago.

It's all so stupid. Formula is not poison. I know many beautiful FF babies. Those moms are happy with their decision to FF. Why can't I be happy with being able to almost EBF and give formula if needed? Why am I terrified to dig into the small, pathetic freezer stash I have to supplement? If I use any from the freezer, I worry I will never be able to replace them...

Dom is still not here. Tomorrow will be 13 days since I ordered it. I remember all of those 13 days since I made the decision, my last effort to increase my supply in an attempt to EBF, and how fast those days went. Just the same number of days about until I will have to leave my beautiful son and return to work. I am so terrified that those 5 weeks of work will completely ruin my supply since I do not respond well to the pump and BF will end all together. I am not ready to end my nursing relationship with Meatball...I can't. Just thinking about it makes me hold him tighter and nurse him more. I have worked so hard to get where we are and I am so scared it will be thrown away because I have to go back to work.

I need today to end and I hope tomorrow my heart is not so full of worry and sadness...