Today is a kick ass day!

I am really tired and heading to bed but I had to share...

Pumping at this training today:

Staff was so accommodating! Did not feel like I was putting anyone out of uncomfortable at all! How wonderful?!

I pumped 2 times there and I got almost 8 oz!! In 2 pumps!! How fantastic!!

Meatball got to meet his other uncle (my brother in law) for the first time today!

Here's the kicker!! I wrote an email to LilyPadz. Same email I wrote to Milkies...and they are offering me a free pair to try out as well! Just have to get my LC to contact them and they will send them! Woo hoo! They want me to let them know if they work for my situation and write a review for them on injured nipples if they do! I will totally do that for that price ;) My situation may have lots of bumps but I sure have encountered many sensitive and caring individuals that are supportive of my efforts! Go me :)

So what I thought would be a sucky day turned into a pretty kick ass one!

Next few days are going to be real tough :(

I am going to training from 8 to 4 for the next couple of days. Means I need to leave at 7:30 am and won't be back until a little after 4pm. This means pumping. Something I suck at. My body sucks at it. It's going to be a tough couple of days...

When I end up not pumping enough tomorrow, I am going to come home crying and feeling like a failure. I can foresee this already. It's the same feelings I had when I went back to work in the beginning. I am loving being home with Meatball right now. He's only getting formula two times a day. The rest is all BM! All from nursing! We are doing so well!! And now the next 3 days are going to go to shit.

I think why I am really upset is because I am foreseeing what it will be like when I go back to work in a month. I wish I didn't have to go back. I wish we were able to make do and let me stay home to care for this amazing blessing I have been given. Let me make sacrifices so I can continue working with BF and possibly get to EBF. Sadly, I know this is not a reality.

And to top it all off, my first check up with Dr. P is very soon. I am sure she will be giving me a bill for the biopsy and the other appointments from seeing her. It's going to break the bank. Right now, anything will be breaking the bank. No income from me over the summer is tough. Add in the weeks I took without pay and this is hard times.

So training for the next 3 days will bring in a bit of money. It won't bring in BM and neither will I probably. I sure hope I am wrong...that would be such a nice surprise! Fingers crossed!!

Return of the...

bleeding boob!

Thought it was all over and my nipple was getting better but guess I was wrong.

I was over at a friend's house this afternoon and just nursing Meatball. Suddenly, I felt a strange feeling, a feeling I must have been familiar with...

Pulled Meatball off only to see blood and tissue coming out of my right breast again. It was flowing a little more than last time but that may have been I caught it in mid-stream. Needless to say, I freaked out a tad, friend took Meatball for me and got him cleaned up as I excused myself to assess the situation in the bathroom. Once all was calmed, I took a deep breath and just hugged Meatball extra tight. I must have scared him...it sure scared me. I feel so bad he has to deal with any of this.

Go figure this all happened today...I just scheduled my 3 month check up with Dr. P. Will be calling in the morning to touch base regarding the charges I owe the office and this new situation. Ugh. Just as I thought I was starting to have a normal BF relationship...

Taking a moment to celebrate

Hard to believe but tomorrow is Meatball's 5 monthday. 5 months ago I fell in love all over again. 5 months ago I laid eyes on the sweetest little face. 5 months ago I began the most difficult but amazing journey of my life.

Meatball may not be EBF. He's had plenty of formula in his system. However, I think I can proudly say that I am a BFAR success story. I have worked extremely hard to provide what BM I can for Meatball and that makes me proud. It has not been an easy road by any means but the minute he latches on and looks up at me makes all of the hard work worth it.

So happy almost 5 monthday to my baby boy and happy 5 months of kicking BFAR ass to me!

Got my Milkies!!

Got home from a long weekend out of town and there was a box sitting at the front door when we got home!! It was my free sample of Milkies! I was so excited to try them that I almost forgot to wash them...

First impression: they seem large. After placing in my tank and nursing Meatball on non-fissure side for 10 minutes, I checked out the Milkie and noticed I had collected quite a bit of BM! Holy cow was I excited! I had to go measure it! It was only half an ounce but if I got that much in just 10 minutes from one nursing session, I can't imagine what a full day with this thing will be like!

Cons thus far: it is large. The top doesn't lay flat enough to stay inside bra or tank so I won't be able to wear these all day like the soft shells. Bummer. Also, there's a harder plastic inside and it protects outer shell from touching nipple but it also makes the Milkie stand out more so it's not too discrete.

Will try them out for a full day and see what I think. I will be sure to write back to the company and let them know my thoughts ... if they care! LOL

Parenting fail I guess

At last pedi appointment,  we agreed to offer Meatball formula a couple of times a day when he still seems hungry. We also talked about beginning cereal. Our routine has been working great and I feel like Meatball is really enjoying his first "solid" foods!!

After a long weekend camping, I noticed Meatball had really porked up in the past couple of days. I got home and I was really excited to weigh him. Once I did, I was shocked that he had put on 8 oz in 4 days! Ekkk!!

Quick email to K and it seems maybe I am over feeding him?! Parenting fail I guess...

After all of these supply issues, my worry has always been I am starving him and he's not getting enough. Now I add a little bit of cereal and formula into the mix and I guess it's too much. :(

I feel like this weight game is just one that I am not going to win...ever. I don't make enough milk and now it seems I am forcing too much food down his throat! I am trying to learn his cues and "listen" to what he wants and needs. Thought I had been doing a great job with this and now I am feeling like an awful mom and like I have hurt him by feeding him too much.

Would love to be able to get something right in this thing called parenting...soon.

Milkies

So I heard about this product a few years ago. I laughed at the idea of wearing a "cup" in your bra to catch any leaking milk. Me, years ago, joked, "Geez, gotta catch EVERY last drop, huh?"

Then I became a breastfeeding mother. A breastfeeding mother with a real crappy milk supply. Damn right, I want every single ounce of that goodness.

That's not really how this story starts...

A friend of mine from a board I have been posting on for a few years suggested I check these things out because I was losing so much milk in the soft shells that I am wearing for the fissure. I laughed but checked out the website. After watching their infomercial, I thought I would contact the company and see how they compared their product to the soft shells.

I wrote a short email to them explaining my breastfeeding journey. I told them about being BFAR, the masses that were found, and the fissure. I shared with them the downsides to these soft shells and asked them to compare.

Here is the response I received back:

Hello Meatball's Mommy,

Thank you for sharing your story- your son is so lucky to have such a dedicated mommy.  I am sorry to hear about the difficulties you are having with breastfeeding- also inspired to hear how committed you are. Absolutely wonderful!

I'm not positive the Milk-Saver will help you but we would be glad to send you one to try.  We do everything we can to support breastfeeding mommies like you.

What is the preferred shipping address for you to receive your product?

Thanks for getting in touch with Milkies!

Really?! Did this just happen? This company is offering to send me a free sample of their product to try out and compare to the soft shells! No flippin' way!

Sure feel like a heel laughing at the idea of them years ago...

Will update with my thoughts once I receive my free sample! WOO HOO!!