When I first began breastfeeding, I was not able to do it discreetly. I tried my best and failed. I always had to use a cover since I couldn't manage a blanket to stay and I couldn't watch Meatball to make sure he was doing what he was supposed to.
But that has since changed. I am much better at nursing in public. I can do so with a tank and a t-shirt well enough that no one can see a thing. They likely can figure out what is going on but they can't see anything. Now this doesn't mean that I am cool with just stripping it all off and nursing wherever I want.
Unless you have breastfed, I don't think you can understand how amazing the experience is. There is this feeling that you get that the liveliness of your child rests solely on you and your ability to make milk. When you have difficulty making the milk like me, there is such a feeling of uselessness and despair that I don't think you can understand unless you have had supply issues. I feel so cheated of this natural experience sometimes.
I still am having difficulty making all of the BM that Meatball needs throughout the day while I am working. When I am home, he nurses often and he is well fed and happy it seems. When I am at work, I can only pump about half of what he is taking during the day via bottles. I am so devastated. I am continuing to try to get more before he burns through my entire freezer supply but I need to be realistic. I am going back to the schedule of waking up in the middle of the night not to nurse him but to pump. I am hoping he can make it all night on his own without an extra feeding but we shall see...
So with all of this work I have put forth towards breastfeeding and trying to make enough milk so Meatball is EBF I slightly feel defeated and enraged when I hear others complain about the lack of modesty a nursing mother has because someone saw a little extra breast or nipple when some woman was feeding her child. I am not telling people to bare it all but use a little discretion so others are not disgusted by it. Some of us have worked extremely hard to even make BF a reality and I am so upset when BF is viewed with disgust rather than a celebration of a mother doing the most unselfishness thing she possibly could for her child.
Breastfeeding is a gift. It's not for all. It's often taken for granted. Mothers have to give up so much to have a breastfeeding relationship whether it comes naturally or not. It should be celebrated and those that embrace it should be celebrated. Those that have to work REALLY hard at it should be celebrated just a tad bit more ;)
Monday, May 30, 2011
The results
So the biopsy has come and gone. It was scary and it was painful. Dr. P had a lot of trouble getting samples because of my breast reduction. I was very bruised and sore. She was surprised I was not bruised up to my neck...lol.
Hubby took the morning off of work to go in with me to get the results last Wednesday. I was terrified. I laid in bed Tuesday night thinking what it would all be like if the results came back as the worst case scenario. I am strong and I am determined but I did not believe I could handle that. There was no way God would throw this at me. After such trouble we had even getting pregnant, going through a loss, and then all of the work I had done to provide the best possible thing I could for Meatball, there was no way God would allow me to have to "deal" with this.
And he did not. Results are non-malignant. Benign.. We were ecstatic. Really, I wasn't even sure how to react. I just kind of sat there. Hubby took a picture of the report and text it out to those that knew right away. It was the BREAST day ever :)
I need to continue to be monitored every few months to watch the masses and ensure they do not change in size and shape. I will be sure to do this but I am just so relieved.
I took just the morning off to get the results. We were in and out of the office that I went home to spend a bit of time with Meatball before going into work. I nursed him the entire 2 hours I was home. It was amazing. Life is amazing. I am so thankful.
Hubby took the morning off of work to go in with me to get the results last Wednesday. I was terrified. I laid in bed Tuesday night thinking what it would all be like if the results came back as the worst case scenario. I am strong and I am determined but I did not believe I could handle that. There was no way God would throw this at me. After such trouble we had even getting pregnant, going through a loss, and then all of the work I had done to provide the best possible thing I could for Meatball, there was no way God would allow me to have to "deal" with this.
And he did not. Results are non-malignant. Benign.. We were ecstatic. Really, I wasn't even sure how to react. I just kind of sat there. Hubby took a picture of the report and text it out to those that knew right away. It was the BREAST day ever :)
I need to continue to be monitored every few months to watch the masses and ensure they do not change in size and shape. I will be sure to do this but I am just so relieved.
I took just the morning off to get the results. We were in and out of the office that I went home to spend a bit of time with Meatball before going into work. I nursed him the entire 2 hours I was home. It was amazing. Life is amazing. I am so thankful.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Lots on my mind
This may be a very negative post...and for that I am sorry.
Tomorrow is my biopsy. I am worried. The pain on my right breast is increasing daily. I cringe thinking about Meatball latching on that side because it hurts so much even when he's not latched. When he latches, it hurts tremendously. After he empties me, the pain ceases until it begins to fill again :( I thought this was all "normal" and would go away. I am glad it is being looked at.
Had a little drama with all of this last night and this morning. I have a fantastic surgeon that is doing the biopsy. She is very pro breastfeeding. She wants to be sure to do whatever she can to in interrupt my nursing. For this I am very appreciative. However, I double checked with my innsurance this morning, and she is not on my plan. She is out of network.
I know I have fantastic insurance and I am grateful. After looking into this further, I was told I would have to pay my deductible and then be responsible for 20% of the total costs. This would be 20% of physcian costs, 20% of labs, and 20% of facility. This is going to be a small fortune.
I spoke with insurance to see if there's another breast surgeon in the area that I could go see and she explained that they do not put specialists on the plan. They have surgeons but not specifically breast surgeon. So, I called my doctor's office to cancel the biopsy tomorrow.
L answered the phone when I called and asked me to explain everything. I did. She told me I needed to not worry and she would speak with the doctor and get back to me. I was so upset I was nearly sobbing on the phone. Last thing I want to deal with in all of this is insurance costs. Soon after, Dr. P called me personally to explain she was not cancelling my appointment. She checked in my insurance and figured my out of pocket cost for me. She removed any facility costs so it is more manageable. Although I am sad I have to accept this hand out, I am so appreciative that Dr. P is working with me. Otherwise, I would have opted to not do the biopsy at all.
I have told a few more people about the situation. I feel so odd not knowing anything and sharing this news. I don't want anyone to worry and I want to pretend it's not happening. I so wish it wasn't.
On top of all of this, I think the Dom is taking a break from working because of all the stress? I am only pumping 2 oz total at work every 2-3 hours. Sad. Meatball is taking in 12 oz away from me. We are quickly burning through the stash. Not sure what I can do...
Tomorrow is my biopsy. I am worried. The pain on my right breast is increasing daily. I cringe thinking about Meatball latching on that side because it hurts so much even when he's not latched. When he latches, it hurts tremendously. After he empties me, the pain ceases until it begins to fill again :( I thought this was all "normal" and would go away. I am glad it is being looked at.
Had a little drama with all of this last night and this morning. I have a fantastic surgeon that is doing the biopsy. She is very pro breastfeeding. She wants to be sure to do whatever she can to in interrupt my nursing. For this I am very appreciative. However, I double checked with my innsurance this morning, and she is not on my plan. She is out of network.
I know I have fantastic insurance and I am grateful. After looking into this further, I was told I would have to pay my deductible and then be responsible for 20% of the total costs. This would be 20% of physcian costs, 20% of labs, and 20% of facility. This is going to be a small fortune.
I spoke with insurance to see if there's another breast surgeon in the area that I could go see and she explained that they do not put specialists on the plan. They have surgeons but not specifically breast surgeon. So, I called my doctor's office to cancel the biopsy tomorrow.
L answered the phone when I called and asked me to explain everything. I did. She told me I needed to not worry and she would speak with the doctor and get back to me. I was so upset I was nearly sobbing on the phone. Last thing I want to deal with in all of this is insurance costs. Soon after, Dr. P called me personally to explain she was not cancelling my appointment. She checked in my insurance and figured my out of pocket cost for me. She removed any facility costs so it is more manageable. Although I am sad I have to accept this hand out, I am so appreciative that Dr. P is working with me. Otherwise, I would have opted to not do the biopsy at all.
I have told a few more people about the situation. I feel so odd not knowing anything and sharing this news. I don't want anyone to worry and I want to pretend it's not happening. I so wish it wasn't.
On top of all of this, I think the Dom is taking a break from working because of all the stress? I am only pumping 2 oz total at work every 2-3 hours. Sad. Meatball is taking in 12 oz away from me. We are quickly burning through the stash. Not sure what I can do...
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
It's out of my hands now
Well I am not sure where things are going from here. I had my ultrasound this morning at the Breast Center. They were great. Meatball came along so my breast would be empty. The doctor assured me he is very efficient at that!! :)
Nice thing about this center is they give you results right there and talk you through the testing. The doctor was focusing on one area in particular above my nipple. I finally asked about it and she explained what she was doing and looking at/for.
She noticed a few nodules. She was trying to figure out if they were the same one or different ones. Turns out she found two. Both are above my nipple. One is directly connected to a duct...probably the culprit for the bleeding. Both have benign characteristics but only a biopsy will tell.
So results are abnormal. 2 lumps. Hoping that both are just masses...maybe scar tissue although that seemed unlikely...
Waiting to hear from breast surgeon to schedule biopsy. Hoping for next week :)
So they encouraged me to keep breastfeeding. That makes me happy. Sadly, I go back to work tomorrow and will miss several feedings. Good thing is I will cherish every nursing session now even the ones in the middle of the night when I am so sleepy and just want to go back to bed...they may be my last ones. Ever.
I am numb right now. Not sure how to think or feel. Don't really want to share with my friends except for a close few. They will all be supportive but I just don't want to rehash this every time I talk to someone.
So my fight for BF might be coming to an end. All of the hard work. All of the pills. All of the tears. It may just be out of my hands now. I am not super religious but praying begins now.
Nice thing about this center is they give you results right there and talk you through the testing. The doctor was focusing on one area in particular above my nipple. I finally asked about it and she explained what she was doing and looking at/for.
She noticed a few nodules. She was trying to figure out if they were the same one or different ones. Turns out she found two. Both are above my nipple. One is directly connected to a duct...probably the culprit for the bleeding. Both have benign characteristics but only a biopsy will tell.
So results are abnormal. 2 lumps. Hoping that both are just masses...maybe scar tissue although that seemed unlikely...
Waiting to hear from breast surgeon to schedule biopsy. Hoping for next week :)
So they encouraged me to keep breastfeeding. That makes me happy. Sadly, I go back to work tomorrow and will miss several feedings. Good thing is I will cherish every nursing session now even the ones in the middle of the night when I am so sleepy and just want to go back to bed...they may be my last ones. Ever.
I am numb right now. Not sure how to think or feel. Don't really want to share with my friends except for a close few. They will all be supportive but I just don't want to rehash this every time I talk to someone.
So my fight for BF might be coming to an end. All of the hard work. All of the pills. All of the tears. It may just be out of my hands now. I am not super religious but praying begins now.
Quite possibly the worst day ever...
Not sure there's a better title for yesterday and the events that went down. This is going to be a long one people so sit back and relax...
Did you know you should be taking calcium when breastfeeding? Yup, I learned that the hard way. Never chipped a tooth in my entire life until last night when I was just walking up the stairs. Not the kind of chip you can see but sure makes my tongue feel funny. I had to make an appointment in the am to get if fixed...this was just one of the first fun events to start this great day...although I did get it fixed in the morning it later would become a small issue in comparison.
The other night, I was nursing Meatball on the the side with the fissure that felt much better and had healed. All was good until I noticed pink around the color of his shirt. After checking him real closely, I figure the fissure had bled a little and it just looked worse than it was. No other issues.I nursed on that side several times and no problem. The next morning, I work up and decided to try tandem nursing and pumping. Worked well and I managed it. Note to self it would work if needed now that I am getting ready to start back at work. We sat together playing after he finished and he was just smiling and so happy! We were having a good time until he started spitting up blood...red blood...with other thicker chunks...I freaked out.
Again, we decided to chalk it up to the bad boob. It obviously was not healed all the way so I nursed less on that side during the day and it was all good. I decided to pump that night to give it all a rest. Meatball was asleep and I took advantage of the quiet, dark room to just relax while I pumped. I felt a little strange on my right side so I looked down only to see blood coming out along with the milk. Lots of blood. I kept going with pumping thinking this would stop and it was normal since I had heard of people having a little blood in their milk...but more and more came. When I finished my 3 oz bottle, 1 oz of it was blood and tissue. My pump was clogged and I was scared.
After emailing my LC to let her know what had been going on, I let the bottle sit.Once it all settled, the milk was still RED and there was a good ounce of stuff that was not supposed to be there at the bottom of the bottle. My LC wrote back and demanded I come in to the office in the morning so she could see me.
She did a quick weigh check and Meatball looked great. 12 pounds and 2 ounces! She took one look at my boobs while she helped get him dressed and the picture of the milk I had pumped...told me I was going to see the breast surgeon today. HUH?!
I pack up and leave. Crying begins (shocker, I am crying all the time now) when I get into the car and Meatball is happy and settled. I pull myself together and call the surgeon she referred me to. When I explained the situation, the nurse asked if I could come in ASAP. So I nursed the baby in the car for just a few minutes and off we were! Down in the ritzy area...across from Saks...beautiful building on the 14th floor...oy. Going to need the stroller for this one!
I have to admit, I was really scared at this point. A doctor who does not know me at all if asking me to come in right away...I cried almost the whole way there. LOL
After being examined, the doctor said she did not notice anything odd or unusual in my breasts. She took a sample to see if blood was present in the milk and it was clear. She took a sample of my milk to be tested. She told me that everything was looking good and the only other thing she thinks might give us a clearer picture would be an ultrasound and a mammogram. FUN.
I offered to nurse the baby and see if he could make it happen. She took me up on the offer since he was hungry anyways! But that didn't work either.
Just as we were finishing up the exam and talking, the fire alarm in the building begins to go off. At first we ignored it but then the nurse told me I needed to get dressed so we could evacuate. WTF! Remember I said we were on the 14th floor?! Really?! Today this had to happen?! So I get myself together and get Meatball in the carseat. The nurse is kind enough to help me carry the stroller down the packed stairwell. We were moving so slowly...I hope nothing is really happening :( Get down to the garage and get out as fast as I can...that is all I am thinking. This all just needs to be over.
So no news or word yet on what's wrong with my bloody boob. I will have the scans done today and then we will go from there. I am just glad that "possibly one of the worst days ever" is now over. Just sad this all had to happen on mommy's last days off on maternity leave.
Did you know you should be taking calcium when breastfeeding? Yup, I learned that the hard way. Never chipped a tooth in my entire life until last night when I was just walking up the stairs. Not the kind of chip you can see but sure makes my tongue feel funny. I had to make an appointment in the am to get if fixed...this was just one of the first fun events to start this great day...although I did get it fixed in the morning it later would become a small issue in comparison.
The other night, I was nursing Meatball on the the side with the fissure that felt much better and had healed. All was good until I noticed pink around the color of his shirt. After checking him real closely, I figure the fissure had bled a little and it just looked worse than it was. No other issues.I nursed on that side several times and no problem. The next morning, I work up and decided to try tandem nursing and pumping. Worked well and I managed it. Note to self it would work if needed now that I am getting ready to start back at work. We sat together playing after he finished and he was just smiling and so happy! We were having a good time until he started spitting up blood...red blood...with other thicker chunks...I freaked out.
Again, we decided to chalk it up to the bad boob. It obviously was not healed all the way so I nursed less on that side during the day and it was all good. I decided to pump that night to give it all a rest. Meatball was asleep and I took advantage of the quiet, dark room to just relax while I pumped. I felt a little strange on my right side so I looked down only to see blood coming out along with the milk. Lots of blood. I kept going with pumping thinking this would stop and it was normal since I had heard of people having a little blood in their milk...but more and more came. When I finished my 3 oz bottle, 1 oz of it was blood and tissue. My pump was clogged and I was scared.
After emailing my LC to let her know what had been going on, I let the bottle sit.Once it all settled, the milk was still RED and there was a good ounce of stuff that was not supposed to be there at the bottom of the bottle. My LC wrote back and demanded I come in to the office in the morning so she could see me.
She did a quick weigh check and Meatball looked great. 12 pounds and 2 ounces! She took one look at my boobs while she helped get him dressed and the picture of the milk I had pumped...told me I was going to see the breast surgeon today. HUH?!
I pack up and leave. Crying begins (shocker, I am crying all the time now) when I get into the car and Meatball is happy and settled. I pull myself together and call the surgeon she referred me to. When I explained the situation, the nurse asked if I could come in ASAP. So I nursed the baby in the car for just a few minutes and off we were! Down in the ritzy area...across from Saks...beautiful building on the 14th floor...oy. Going to need the stroller for this one!
I have to admit, I was really scared at this point. A doctor who does not know me at all if asking me to come in right away...I cried almost the whole way there. LOL
After being examined, the doctor said she did not notice anything odd or unusual in my breasts. She took a sample to see if blood was present in the milk and it was clear. She took a sample of my milk to be tested. She told me that everything was looking good and the only other thing she thinks might give us a clearer picture would be an ultrasound and a mammogram. FUN.
I offered to nurse the baby and see if he could make it happen. She took me up on the offer since he was hungry anyways! But that didn't work either.
Just as we were finishing up the exam and talking, the fire alarm in the building begins to go off. At first we ignored it but then the nurse told me I needed to get dressed so we could evacuate. WTF! Remember I said we were on the 14th floor?! Really?! Today this had to happen?! So I get myself together and get Meatball in the carseat. The nurse is kind enough to help me carry the stroller down the packed stairwell. We were moving so slowly...I hope nothing is really happening :( Get down to the garage and get out as fast as I can...that is all I am thinking. This all just needs to be over.
So no news or word yet on what's wrong with my bloody boob. I will have the scans done today and then we will go from there. I am just glad that "possibly one of the worst days ever" is now over. Just sad this all had to happen on mommy's last days off on maternity leave.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
I may be fat forever
I made the mistake of making lactation cookies today. They contain some ingredients that are supposed to support lactation.
http://www.food.com/recipe/oatmeal-chocolate-chip-lactation-cookies-by-noel-trujillo-192346
They are soooo good. I made a full batch...mistake 1.
I ate more than I should have...mistake 2.
They are loaded in calories. BUT they will possibly be another way for me to increase my supply!
After eating too many and making myself feel sick, I put them in freezer bags for later. Have a feeling I will be pulling them out of the freezer more often than I should.
I may be fat forever...
http://www.food.com/recipe/oatmeal-chocolate-chip-lactation-cookies-by-noel-trujillo-192346
They are soooo good. I made a full batch...mistake 1.
I ate more than I should have...mistake 2.
They are loaded in calories. BUT they will possibly be another way for me to increase my supply!
After eating too many and making myself feel sick, I put them in freezer bags for later. Have a feeling I will be pulling them out of the freezer more often than I should.
I may be fat forever...
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
It's here!!
So I am officially 24 hours into the domperidone. Some say they notice a difference within this time frame but I was not expecting it. If I can see a difference by next week, I will be happy.
It's pretty easy to use...3 pills 3 times a day. They come in blister packs so I can throw some in diaper bag and have with me. I am a little worried that I am getting the headache side effect...dull and achy on my forehead and temples. If I lower the dose by a pill, it should go away. However, I can deal. When I got pregnant with Meatball, it was after using 150 mg of Clomid. I got awful headaches and blurry vision but I trucked on and got pregnant with a sticky baby! Maybe this headache is a good sign :)
I am beat...off to bed!
It's pretty easy to use...3 pills 3 times a day. They come in blister packs so I can throw some in diaper bag and have with me. I am a little worried that I am getting the headache side effect...dull and achy on my forehead and temples. If I lower the dose by a pill, it should go away. However, I can deal. When I got pregnant with Meatball, it was after using 150 mg of Clomid. I got awful headaches and blurry vision but I trucked on and got pregnant with a sticky baby! Maybe this headache is a good sign :)
I am beat...off to bed!
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