Mooooooo!!!

Not sure where this came from. I nursed at 730 am and just pumped. 2 hours later and I got 3.5 oz!! Pathetic to some...amazing to me!!

Come on boobies!!! Let's keep working!!

Another dip in supply??

Seems like we are back on the down side more than the up side. pumping at work has been totally depressing and I'm bringing home very little. Along with taking the domperidone I'm not sure what else I can do this late in the game. I so wish this had been easier o me...

I think of that often actually... What if this had all been easier. Would I enjoy it as much? Would I be such a stickler wanting as much BM for meatball as possible? Would I understand others perspectives that struggled when I didn't?

I'd love copious amounts of milk but I'll just take making whatever meatball needs. I cant afford a dip...go bother someone who can.

Doctor bills, insurance, and 30...oh my!

Yet again I have failed to maintain my blog. Seems like so long ago that I was posting almost daily because I was struggling with BF so much and this was my outlet to vent, celebrate, and just document my journey. And now here we are 11 months into the journey and BF itself is going so smoothly (kinda) that I don't "need" this as an outlet anymore. However, I still want to document my adventure.

Recently, I received a bill for my visits and biopsies from Dr. P. If you remember, Dr. P was not "in network" as my insurance calls it so I am responsible for partial payment. My own fault really since I did call from the very beginning for check and I knew she was not. However, I then attempted to then cancel my first biopsy and L refused to let me...Dr. P called me as well and told me we would figure it all out.

Well, it was figured out. Insurance paid their amount and then I was billed the remainder. Dr. P is doing a great job to help work something out with me to pay the balance. In all honesty, any is going to be more than we can truly afford right now.

Anyways, I was due for my 6 month check up in November. It's now December and I have not gotten to go. Why? Because I have this mounting bill at her office that I have no idea how I am going to pay and I feel guilty (?) returning for a visit when I know I cannot afford it.

But I need to go back and be monitored...by her or any breast surgeon.

So, on Friday, which happened to be my thirtieth birthday, I called a breast cancer at a hospital in the region to see if they accepted my insurance and if I was a candidate to be seen. I spoke with a nurse at length and explained my situation as best as I could. She was very knowledgeable and friendly. She gave me the contact information of the breast surgeon affiliated with the hospital since she thought the office was in my plan. When I called the office, I was told again they were in my plan. I attempted to schedule an appointment...disastrous. The girl on the phone was rushing me and acting as if I was inconveniencing her.  In the end, I was told to fax over my files from Dr. P's office BEFORE my appointment so they knew how much time to block for my case? Just seems stupid but I decided I didn't have a choice since this was the only breast surgeon I have been able to find in my insurance plan. Before calling Dr. P's office and explaining, I decided to check with the insurance first...just to confirm this doctor is in fact covered...

VERDICT: No. 2nd doctor not covered.

Uggh. So in speaking with such a sweet representative at the insurance company, I explain to her what I need and the difficulty I have had finding a doctor with this specialty that is covered. She confirms the lack of physicians in my plan with this specialty and transfers me to another department that begins to put in an exception for me to see Dr. P and have her classified as an IN NETWORK provider since there are no other breast surgeons in a 30 mile radius.

I'm sorry...what?!

I cannot tell you how many times I have called the insurance asking for this same thing. Never have I been told this is or was an option. So, I went with Dr. P since I HAD to have this problem looked it!!

I speak with another amazingly sweet girl that walks me through the process. Unfortunately, they are not able to backdate the approval but I think I will appeal if it does go through. But it has to go through...I don't have another option!

So, in the end this was the best 30th birthday present!! I am planning on writing a letter to the insurance company about the helpfulness and dedication of both of these girls.  In the meantime, I have to wait until next week to find out if future visits will be covered...

I pray it all works out since I need to go for the follow up ASAP!!

And on a side note, I nursed my 11 month old to sleep this evening...just like all other evenings. Yes, I said 11 month old. Unbelievable. How and when did that happen? Now I am really being hit with the fact that my job as milking mama will be over soon. Once I drop the Dom, I am pretty sure my body is going to stop production and I won't be able to keep up with an am and pm nursing session. This makes me so sad. Depressed actually...but that's a different post...

So happy birthday to me...and here's hoping things work out with the waiver :)

big freakin' surprise...

I have to apolgize now...i am posting from my phone so they're will likely be errors...please forgive me.

things have been going so well the past few months. My nipple seemed to heal up following the biopsy and my pain was minimal. My supply has been doing well enough that I was a few days ahead with milk before thanksgiving. All just seemed so easy...

pain. As soon as I felt it, I knew what I would see. I shouldn't even had been surprised but you can't help it...your milk is not supposed to be full of blood. But here I am again...

can't call dr. P's office...i owe them so much money. Can't call k as she would tell me to call dr. p. So I do nothing. Nothing I can do and nothing they can do...

so well wait and see what happens :(

Download...75% complete

Errrr, rather my pumping is!

Just last week, I was able to celebrate the 9 wonderful months I have been blessed with my amazing baby boy as well as my own success of 9 months of nursing :) Don't mind if I pat myself on the back.

9 months is kinda a big deal. It's 3/4 of the way to my goal. It's 3/4 further than I would have expected myself to be. It's 3/4 past where I was told I would be not so long ago.

I feel like I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately...all of what I have been though and all I have done to get to where I am today with Meatball. I truly do feel like I have beaten the odds. I feel like a success. I feel strong and motivated. I feel like I have done my best and overcome challenges I never foresaw and I have kicked ass doing it. I feel proud.

This journey has been so amazing. Full of such emotion, dedication, and tears. I don't think I could have ever predicted what this was going to be like. I started this journey 9 months ago armed with as much knowledge as I could be but I wasn't prepared. I don't think I could have ever been prepared. Who could have guessed this journey would have taken me through all of the hoops I had to go through? 9 months ago, I thought my biggest challenge was going to be my supply issues. Little did I know...

So looking back on these 9 months, I am starting to let go of the "failure" feelings I used to be so overcome by. I am starting to let go of the tears of sadness. I am starting to stop beating myself down for what I couldn't do and really consciously trying to celebrate myself for what I have done.

Each day is still a journey. I am not "downloaded" quite yet. I still have to pop my 9 pills a day and spray my nose spray 3 times a day to reach this goal. At this point, those are the easy parts. The most difficult challenges I face daily are ones I create on my own. To complete this "downloading" process, I need to continue to celebrate and pat myself on the back each day...

I started this journey as a sprint I feel like. I thought if I just go through those first couple of weeks, it would all be so easy. BF just hasn't been that way for me. I have found myself in the middle of this emotional marathon...just wanting to do the best I can do for Meatball.

And in reality, this marathon isn't going to be over in 9 months, I won't be totally "downloaded", it won't be time to take a break because motherhood is what I really was hurdling though this whole time. Even though so much of it was related to BFAR and my journey to BF, it all comes back to just being a mother and learning how to work though challenges and always keep the end in mind...the well-being of the child.

Once my breastfeeding "downloads", some new challenge with come along. Something else will make me question myself, my decisions, my abilities and push me to my limits because I want to do what's best for Meatball. So, I am trying to turn a new leaf to acknowledge much more of the positives as I continue in this motherhood journey...



I just might need reminders every now and again :)

Suppose I have become a "monthly blogger"

Seems I am just not able to keep up with the working full-time, pumping while at work, mommy, and wife thing...and plus blogging. Something has got to give and blogging seems to be put on the back burner more often than I would like.

The past month has been an uneventful one for me...and that's just dandy in my opinion. Last thing this momma needs is to add events into her life...especially with BF. Think I can safely say I already have had enough of those!

With that said, I am just about at 8.5 months of BF. I have had some ups and downs recently but as of right now, things are great! I had a huge supply dip a few weeks ago and I was only bringing home about 5 oz. I just couldn't keep up with the small 10 oz I need each day for Meatball while I am working. I would pump a few times at work and then several times while I was at home...and still was short of the 10 oz. My self-esteem dropped quickly and I began to doubt myself and my ability to do one of the most natural things a mother could ever do...even with formula supplementing, I was not able to provide the 10 oz of BM Meatball needed. Went through just a week or so of depression and feeling sorry for myself.

But I don't let those things stop me! No way! I kept trucking and suddenly got a little boost in supply! It went from having just an ounce extra in the fridge to having double of what I needed! I was a full day ahead in BM! Some may think that's not a big deal but not this momma!

Shockingly (haha), I got a little sentimental about it all last night. I wanted to blog but then I decided it would likely be too emotional so I just soaked it all up internally and decided to share it today...

Not many know about my journey to EBF. Those that do know about it, likely don't understand. They don't get my dedication, my drive, my purpose. They don't know what it's like to be told so many times by multiple healthcare providers that I would not be able to provide for my child. They don't know what it's like to want to provide and want to prove them wrong and then they end up being right in the end. They don't know what it's like to want to do the best for your child from the very start and being a failure from the minute motherhood began. But I do.

When I look back at the past 8.5 months, that's how I see it all. I just wanted (and still do) the absolute best for Meatball and I want to provide that however I can. To me, BF was one of the bests I could do for him from the minute I became a mother. And the minute I became a mother and struggled with BF, I feel like I failed.

And technically, I did. I had to supplement. I had to use nursing products to even get him to latch. I offered a bottle early on. He had weight issues since I was not nourishing him fully. All of those things can be seen as "failure" in the BF community.

Here's the difference: I didn't quit. Just because I was not able to offer Meatball the nursing relationship I so desperately wanted to, I offered to him what I could. And what I could offer was not good enough. I worked hard to offer him the best his EBF failure mother could offer. And I continue to do that. I take 9 pills a day to have any supply whatsoever. I spray pitocin up my nose several times a day. I often lose sleep so I can squeeze an extra pumping session in...all in hopes I can trick my body into thinking it can and should make more milk.

This EBF failure mom has done all that I can to provide as much BM as I can to Meatball. I started this journey 8.5 months ago thinking I would be able to provide 0% but wanting to provide 100%. Although it has changed here and there, I can say that I am now providing about 60-75% BM to Meatball. Every day. Not my 100% but far from that 0% that was predicted.

So in the end, this EBF failure mommy has proven to be anything BUT a failure.

And most important lesson here is not about the BM that I can or have provided to Meatball, but the dedication I have provided him as I journey into parenthood. I only hope he inherits my drive, dedication, and perseverance in life. It doesn't matter who understands my reasoning in this journey, just as long as Meatball understands that he is the reason I did all of this...

Been MIA

So it's been almost a full month since I have blogged last. I have not given up on breastfeeding! Quite the opposite...

I have been back to work for 3 weeks now. Being a full time professional, a mommy, and a breastfeeding mommy may be the toughest job ever. I don't get "breaks" at work. If I have a 10 minute block of free time, I am pumping to provide for Meatball. And when pumping, you are tied down to one area...my area just happens to be the closet of my classroom. I am trying very hard to work and pump but it is difficult. As a teacher, I need to be able to move  around the room for things to be productive and that's just not possible. But, I am providing for Meatball throughout the day while also teaching. That alone is pretty darn impressive.

I miss my time at home and being able to nurse on demand. I miss my time with Meatball greatly. However, this is what works for our family. Pumping is not enjoyable for anyone but it's a necessity for those that must be away from their little ones and work outside of the home. I am proud of myself for continuing to BF since returning to work. Not all are able to handle the challenges of BF and working and I have proven I can even with my daily supply issues.

Another celebration I have to acknowledge is my freezer stash. Not that it's massive or would feed a small army but that it's barely been touched since returning to work! Only 8 oz TOTAL have been used! WOO HOO!!

Meatball is getting 6 oz of formula a day. While I am away, he takes an additional 10 oz of BM. When I get home, it's a topless nursing party until dinner, bath, book, and then boob and bed. Our routine is working well and I am keeping up with the supply demand pretty well if I must say so myself.

I am still pumping throughout the night. I bring home such a pathetic amount during work. I pump 2-3 oz each time I pump. I bring home about 6 oz each day. Plus I pump after putting Meatball to bed and I get about 2-2.5 oz. I also try to pump in the am while nursing and I get about 3-6 oz then. That all goes towards the 10 oz needed throughout the day following the first bottle of formula in the morning with breakfast.

So things are not spectacular...I don't have a sudden abundant increase in supply...but they are working. I have found what works for me and Meatball and I am pretty happy. He's happy, healthy, and growing like a weed.

For the first time ever, I may feel like I have finally defined my own success...and successful I think I am.