I have to apolgize now...i am posting from my phone so they're will likely be errors...please forgive me.
things have been going so well the past few months. My nipple seemed to heal up following the biopsy and my pain was minimal. My supply has been doing well enough that I was a few days ahead with milk before thanksgiving. All just seemed so easy...
pain. As soon as I felt it, I knew what I would see. I shouldn't even had been surprised but you can't help it...your milk is not supposed to be full of blood. But here I am again...
can't call dr. P's office...i owe them so much money. Can't call k as she would tell me to call dr. p. So I do nothing. Nothing I can do and nothing they can do...
so well wait and see what happens :(
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Download...75% complete
Errrr, rather my pumping is!
Just last week, I was able to celebrate the 9 wonderful months I have been blessed with my amazing baby boy as well as my own success of 9 months of nursing :) Don't mind if I pat myself on the back.
9 months is kinda a big deal. It's 3/4 of the way to my goal. It's 3/4 further than I would have expected myself to be. It's 3/4 past where I was told I would be not so long ago.
I feel like I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately...all of what I have been though and all I have done to get to where I am today with Meatball. I truly do feel like I have beaten the odds. I feel like a success. I feel strong and motivated. I feel like I have done my best and overcome challenges I never foresaw and I have kicked ass doing it. I feel proud.
This journey has been so amazing. Full of such emotion, dedication, and tears. I don't think I could have ever predicted what this was going to be like. I started this journey 9 months ago armed with as much knowledge as I could be but I wasn't prepared. I don't think I could have ever been prepared. Who could have guessed this journey would have taken me through all of the hoops I had to go through? 9 months ago, I thought my biggest challenge was going to be my supply issues. Little did I know...
So looking back on these 9 months, I am starting to let go of the "failure" feelings I used to be so overcome by. I am starting to let go of the tears of sadness. I am starting to stop beating myself down for what I couldn't do and really consciously trying to celebrate myself for what I have done.
Each day is still a journey. I am not "downloaded" quite yet. I still have to pop my 9 pills a day and spray my nose spray 3 times a day to reach this goal. At this point, those are the easy parts. The most difficult challenges I face daily are ones I create on my own. To complete this "downloading" process, I need to continue to celebrate and pat myself on the back each day...
I started this journey as a sprint I feel like. I thought if I just go through those first couple of weeks, it would all be so easy. BF just hasn't been that way for me. I have found myself in the middle of this emotional marathon...just wanting to do the best I can do for Meatball.
And in reality, this marathon isn't going to be over in 9 months, I won't be totally "downloaded", it won't be time to take a break because motherhood is what I really was hurdling though this whole time. Even though so much of it was related to BFAR and my journey to BF, it all comes back to just being a mother and learning how to work though challenges and always keep the end in mind...the well-being of the child.
Once my breastfeeding "downloads", some new challenge with come along. Something else will make me question myself, my decisions, my abilities and push me to my limits because I want to do what's best for Meatball. So, I am trying to turn a new leaf to acknowledge much more of the positives as I continue in this motherhood journey...
I just might need reminders every now and again :)
Just last week, I was able to celebrate the 9 wonderful months I have been blessed with my amazing baby boy as well as my own success of 9 months of nursing :) Don't mind if I pat myself on the back.
9 months is kinda a big deal. It's 3/4 of the way to my goal. It's 3/4 further than I would have expected myself to be. It's 3/4 past where I was told I would be not so long ago.
I feel like I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately...all of what I have been though and all I have done to get to where I am today with Meatball. I truly do feel like I have beaten the odds. I feel like a success. I feel strong and motivated. I feel like I have done my best and overcome challenges I never foresaw and I have kicked ass doing it. I feel proud.
This journey has been so amazing. Full of such emotion, dedication, and tears. I don't think I could have ever predicted what this was going to be like. I started this journey 9 months ago armed with as much knowledge as I could be but I wasn't prepared. I don't think I could have ever been prepared. Who could have guessed this journey would have taken me through all of the hoops I had to go through? 9 months ago, I thought my biggest challenge was going to be my supply issues. Little did I know...
So looking back on these 9 months, I am starting to let go of the "failure" feelings I used to be so overcome by. I am starting to let go of the tears of sadness. I am starting to stop beating myself down for what I couldn't do and really consciously trying to celebrate myself for what I have done.
Each day is still a journey. I am not "downloaded" quite yet. I still have to pop my 9 pills a day and spray my nose spray 3 times a day to reach this goal. At this point, those are the easy parts. The most difficult challenges I face daily are ones I create on my own. To complete this "downloading" process, I need to continue to celebrate and pat myself on the back each day...
I started this journey as a sprint I feel like. I thought if I just go through those first couple of weeks, it would all be so easy. BF just hasn't been that way for me. I have found myself in the middle of this emotional marathon...just wanting to do the best I can do for Meatball.
And in reality, this marathon isn't going to be over in 9 months, I won't be totally "downloaded", it won't be time to take a break because motherhood is what I really was hurdling though this whole time. Even though so much of it was related to BFAR and my journey to BF, it all comes back to just being a mother and learning how to work though challenges and always keep the end in mind...the well-being of the child.
Once my breastfeeding "downloads", some new challenge with come along. Something else will make me question myself, my decisions, my abilities and push me to my limits because I want to do what's best for Meatball. So, I am trying to turn a new leaf to acknowledge much more of the positives as I continue in this motherhood journey...
I just might need reminders every now and again :)
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Suppose I have become a "monthly blogger"
Seems I am just not able to keep up with the working full-time, pumping while at work, mommy, and wife thing...and plus blogging. Something has got to give and blogging seems to be put on the back burner more often than I would like.
The past month has been an uneventful one for me...and that's just dandy in my opinion. Last thing this momma needs is to add events into her life...especially with BF. Think I can safely say I already have had enough of those!
With that said, I am just about at 8.5 months of BF. I have had some ups and downs recently but as of right now, things are great! I had a huge supply dip a few weeks ago and I was only bringing home about 5 oz. I just couldn't keep up with the small 10 oz I need each day for Meatball while I am working. I would pump a few times at work and then several times while I was at home...and still was short of the 10 oz. My self-esteem dropped quickly and I began to doubt myself and my ability to do one of the most natural things a mother could ever do...even with formula supplementing, I was not able to provide the 10 oz of BM Meatball needed. Went through just a week or so of depression and feeling sorry for myself.
But I don't let those things stop me! No way! I kept trucking and suddenly got a little boost in supply! It went from having just an ounce extra in the fridge to having double of what I needed! I was a full day ahead in BM! Some may think that's not a big deal but not this momma!
Shockingly (haha), I got a little sentimental about it all last night. I wanted to blog but then I decided it would likely be too emotional so I just soaked it all up internally and decided to share it today...
Not many know about my journey to EBF. Those that do know about it, likely don't understand. They don't get my dedication, my drive, my purpose. They don't know what it's like to be told so many times by multiple healthcare providers that I would not be able to provide for my child. They don't know what it's like to want to provide and want to prove them wrong and then they end up being right in the end. They don't know what it's like to want to do the best for your child from the very start and being a failure from the minute motherhood began. But I do.
When I look back at the past 8.5 months, that's how I see it all. I just wanted (and still do) the absolute best for Meatball and I want to provide that however I can. To me, BF was one of the bests I could do for him from the minute I became a mother. And the minute I became a mother and struggled with BF, I feel like I failed.
And technically, I did. I had to supplement. I had to use nursing products to even get him to latch. I offered a bottle early on. He had weight issues since I was not nourishing him fully. All of those things can be seen as "failure" in the BF community.
Here's the difference: I didn't quit. Just because I was not able to offer Meatball the nursing relationship I so desperately wanted to, I offered to him what I could. And what I could offer was not good enough. I worked hard to offer him the best his EBF failure mother could offer. And I continue to do that. I take 9 pills a day to have any supply whatsoever. I spray pitocin up my nose several times a day. I often lose sleep so I can squeeze an extra pumping session in...all in hopes I can trick my body into thinking it can and should make more milk.
This EBF failure mom has done all that I can to provide as much BM as I can to Meatball. I started this journey 8.5 months ago thinking I would be able to provide 0% but wanting to provide 100%. Although it has changed here and there, I can say that I am now providing about 60-75% BM to Meatball. Every day. Not my 100% but far from that 0% that was predicted.
So in the end, this EBF failure mommy has proven to be anything BUT a failure.
And most important lesson here is not about the BM that I can or have provided to Meatball, but the dedication I have provided him as I journey into parenthood. I only hope he inherits my drive, dedication, and perseverance in life. It doesn't matter who understands my reasoning in this journey, just as long as Meatball understands that he is the reason I did all of this...
The past month has been an uneventful one for me...and that's just dandy in my opinion. Last thing this momma needs is to add events into her life...especially with BF. Think I can safely say I already have had enough of those!
With that said, I am just about at 8.5 months of BF. I have had some ups and downs recently but as of right now, things are great! I had a huge supply dip a few weeks ago and I was only bringing home about 5 oz. I just couldn't keep up with the small 10 oz I need each day for Meatball while I am working. I would pump a few times at work and then several times while I was at home...and still was short of the 10 oz. My self-esteem dropped quickly and I began to doubt myself and my ability to do one of the most natural things a mother could ever do...even with formula supplementing, I was not able to provide the 10 oz of BM Meatball needed. Went through just a week or so of depression and feeling sorry for myself.
But I don't let those things stop me! No way! I kept trucking and suddenly got a little boost in supply! It went from having just an ounce extra in the fridge to having double of what I needed! I was a full day ahead in BM! Some may think that's not a big deal but not this momma!
Shockingly (haha), I got a little sentimental about it all last night. I wanted to blog but then I decided it would likely be too emotional so I just soaked it all up internally and decided to share it today...
Not many know about my journey to EBF. Those that do know about it, likely don't understand. They don't get my dedication, my drive, my purpose. They don't know what it's like to be told so many times by multiple healthcare providers that I would not be able to provide for my child. They don't know what it's like to want to provide and want to prove them wrong and then they end up being right in the end. They don't know what it's like to want to do the best for your child from the very start and being a failure from the minute motherhood began. But I do.
When I look back at the past 8.5 months, that's how I see it all. I just wanted (and still do) the absolute best for Meatball and I want to provide that however I can. To me, BF was one of the bests I could do for him from the minute I became a mother. And the minute I became a mother and struggled with BF, I feel like I failed.
And technically, I did. I had to supplement. I had to use nursing products to even get him to latch. I offered a bottle early on. He had weight issues since I was not nourishing him fully. All of those things can be seen as "failure" in the BF community.
Here's the difference: I didn't quit. Just because I was not able to offer Meatball the nursing relationship I so desperately wanted to, I offered to him what I could. And what I could offer was not good enough. I worked hard to offer him the best his EBF failure mother could offer. And I continue to do that. I take 9 pills a day to have any supply whatsoever. I spray pitocin up my nose several times a day. I often lose sleep so I can squeeze an extra pumping session in...all in hopes I can trick my body into thinking it can and should make more milk.
This EBF failure mom has done all that I can to provide as much BM as I can to Meatball. I started this journey 8.5 months ago thinking I would be able to provide 0% but wanting to provide 100%. Although it has changed here and there, I can say that I am now providing about 60-75% BM to Meatball. Every day. Not my 100% but far from that 0% that was predicted.
So in the end, this EBF failure mommy has proven to be anything BUT a failure.
And most important lesson here is not about the BM that I can or have provided to Meatball, but the dedication I have provided him as I journey into parenthood. I only hope he inherits my drive, dedication, and perseverance in life. It doesn't matter who understands my reasoning in this journey, just as long as Meatball understands that he is the reason I did all of this...
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Been MIA
So it's been almost a full month since I have blogged last. I have not given up on breastfeeding! Quite the opposite...
I have been back to work for 3 weeks now. Being a full time professional, a mommy, and a breastfeeding mommy may be the toughest job ever. I don't get "breaks" at work. If I have a 10 minute block of free time, I am pumping to provide for Meatball. And when pumping, you are tied down to one area...my area just happens to be the closet of my classroom. I am trying very hard to work and pump but it is difficult. As a teacher, I need to be able to move around the room for things to be productive and that's just not possible. But, I am providing for Meatball throughout the day while also teaching. That alone is pretty darn impressive.
I miss my time at home and being able to nurse on demand. I miss my time with Meatball greatly. However, this is what works for our family. Pumping is not enjoyable for anyone but it's a necessity for those that must be away from their little ones and work outside of the home. I am proud of myself for continuing to BF since returning to work. Not all are able to handle the challenges of BF and working and I have proven I can even with my daily supply issues.
Another celebration I have to acknowledge is my freezer stash. Not that it's massive or would feed a small army but that it's barely been touched since returning to work! Only 8 oz TOTAL have been used! WOO HOO!!
Meatball is getting 6 oz of formula a day. While I am away, he takes an additional 10 oz of BM. When I get home, it's a topless nursing party until dinner, bath, book, and then boob and bed. Our routine is working well and I am keeping up with the supply demand pretty well if I must say so myself.
I am still pumping throughout the night. I bring home such a pathetic amount during work. I pump 2-3 oz each time I pump. I bring home about 6 oz each day. Plus I pump after putting Meatball to bed and I get about 2-2.5 oz. I also try to pump in the am while nursing and I get about 3-6 oz then. That all goes towards the 10 oz needed throughout the day following the first bottle of formula in the morning with breakfast.
So things are not spectacular...I don't have a sudden abundant increase in supply...but they are working. I have found what works for me and Meatball and I am pretty happy. He's happy, healthy, and growing like a weed.
For the first time ever, I may feel like I have finally defined my own success...and successful I think I am.
I have been back to work for 3 weeks now. Being a full time professional, a mommy, and a breastfeeding mommy may be the toughest job ever. I don't get "breaks" at work. If I have a 10 minute block of free time, I am pumping to provide for Meatball. And when pumping, you are tied down to one area...my area just happens to be the closet of my classroom. I am trying very hard to work and pump but it is difficult. As a teacher, I need to be able to move around the room for things to be productive and that's just not possible. But, I am providing for Meatball throughout the day while also teaching. That alone is pretty darn impressive.
I miss my time at home and being able to nurse on demand. I miss my time with Meatball greatly. However, this is what works for our family. Pumping is not enjoyable for anyone but it's a necessity for those that must be away from their little ones and work outside of the home. I am proud of myself for continuing to BF since returning to work. Not all are able to handle the challenges of BF and working and I have proven I can even with my daily supply issues.
Another celebration I have to acknowledge is my freezer stash. Not that it's massive or would feed a small army but that it's barely been touched since returning to work! Only 8 oz TOTAL have been used! WOO HOO!!
Meatball is getting 6 oz of formula a day. While I am away, he takes an additional 10 oz of BM. When I get home, it's a topless nursing party until dinner, bath, book, and then boob and bed. Our routine is working well and I am keeping up with the supply demand pretty well if I must say so myself.
I am still pumping throughout the night. I bring home such a pathetic amount during work. I pump 2-3 oz each time I pump. I bring home about 6 oz each day. Plus I pump after putting Meatball to bed and I get about 2-2.5 oz. I also try to pump in the am while nursing and I get about 3-6 oz then. That all goes towards the 10 oz needed throughout the day following the first bottle of formula in the morning with breakfast.
So things are not spectacular...I don't have a sudden abundant increase in supply...but they are working. I have found what works for me and Meatball and I am pretty happy. He's happy, healthy, and growing like a weed.
For the first time ever, I may feel like I have finally defined my own success...and successful I think I am.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Biopsy: Take 2
Ok, so last Thursday was my scheduled nipple biopsy. I had debated the days before if I was actually going to go through with it or not. I could not decide it the biopsy was worth risking my nursing relationship permanently not only for Meatball but for any future little ones either. I have worked so hard to get to where I am in providing nutrition for my son even after being told by so many it would not be possible. I just could not imagine making yet another decision that could negatively affect my current or any future nursing relationship.
But then Meatball had his 6 month appointment on Tuesday and it happened to be with K. I was looking forward to seeing her since she has been so amazingly supportive with my challenges and struggles with breastfeeding. When we first saw K, of course she asked about the nipple and wanted to see it...so I showed her. Only thing she could say was it HAD to be biopsied. Although I was skeptical, I trust her wholeheartedly and she would never lead me in the wrong direction. So decision was made to keep the appointment scheduled for the biopsy on Thursday.
On Wednesday am, I decided to give the dermatologist's office another chance and check on the cultures that were taken nearly a month ago. FINALLY, I got to speak with the PA that saw me. She informed me that the culture for bacteria came back negative and the fungal culture was inconclusive *said it needed a few more days* but looked like it would be negative as well. I chatted with her briefly about the plan for the biopsy and her advice to me was to ask if I could try a steroid cream before having the biopsy done. Interestingly enough, I told her I had been on APNO for about a month after this issue started and had no improvement...at the time I did not know APNO contained a steroid but shouldn't she? Guess not...
So this just verified that I truly had tried everything to get this nipple healed. And it just was not happening...something is just not right with the nipple.
As I got ready for the biopsy on Wednesday night, I was really emotional...shocker. I just kept thinking about how difficult breastfeeding has been for me. Not one piece of it has been easy. From finding support, to having a good supply, needing to use shields, supplementing more than I wanted to, finding the tumors, a fissure starting, pumping blood, biopsies, etc...part of me was really feeling sorry for myself that it hasn't been so easy. Those that I know that have had a much easier time with BF make me very envious and those that could BF but decide not to make me a little angry, it all has been such an emotional time. But then I started to swell up with pride...
I made a decision many years ago to have a breast reduction. Even then I knew I wanted to BF but I still went through with it. Years later when motherhood became a reality and I was faced with another decision to make on how I was going to feed my child, I made the decision I would do whatever I could to do the best thing for my child. And the decision I made was to breastfeed. This decision has not been an easy road for me. I have had to advocate for myself and my wishes and trust my own instincts as a mother that I was doing the right thing and this struggle would be worth it. I have spent a great deal of time and money into making BF work for me, for us. I have had to swallow my pride and supplement even when I didn't want to because I knew I was not meeting Meatball's demands. I have learned how to differentiate between good and bad medical advice...medical advice that was given because it's easier for the doctor and advice that was given because the doctor truly has my and Meatball's best interest in mind. And with all of this BF roller coaster I have been on, I have still learned how to be a mom and build a strong, loving relationship with my son.
Early on, I could have taken the easy way out, given up, never looked back, and forgotten about my original desires to provide nutrition for my child. I could have, but I didn't. And for the first time ever, I really felt proud of myself for all I have done. I beamed knowing that I have had quite a journey to maintain , hell, even begin, this amazing nursing relationship with Meatball. And this relationship we have is something I will never forget...a bond stronger than I ever dreamed. No matter the outcome of this biopsy and where we go next with this nipple situation with Dr. P, I would cherish every since moment I have had nursing my little guy. And I pray that I can continue this relationship until he is ready to wean.
So, the biopsy hurt a lot less than I expected. Things went smoothly and quickly once the procedure got started. Dr. P talked me through the whole procedure so I knew what was going on. She was able to get a good sample of the abnormal cells since my nipple was so open. And after taking the sample, she didn't even need to stitch me because the tissue just fell back together. She warned me I would bleed for awhile and she showed me how to apply pressure if the bleeding was not stopping on its own. She advised me to pump for the rest of the day and maybe Friday depending on how I felt.
When I got home and I pumped throughout the day, I would get a lot of blood. I did a lot of pump and dump that day. On Friday am, I decided to try nursing Meatball while hubby was still here...and it went fine!! He nursed as normal all day Friday with no issues :)
So I go back on Wednesday am for the results. Dr. P will be out of town but L will be there for the appointment and to share the results and I guess we'll just go from there.
In the meantime, I will cherish every nursing session Meatball and I have. Even when I am really tired and he just nursed 30 minutes ago, I won't complain...and I will just be thankful that I have the opportunity...
But then Meatball had his 6 month appointment on Tuesday and it happened to be with K. I was looking forward to seeing her since she has been so amazingly supportive with my challenges and struggles with breastfeeding. When we first saw K, of course she asked about the nipple and wanted to see it...so I showed her. Only thing she could say was it HAD to be biopsied. Although I was skeptical, I trust her wholeheartedly and she would never lead me in the wrong direction. So decision was made to keep the appointment scheduled for the biopsy on Thursday.
On Wednesday am, I decided to give the dermatologist's office another chance and check on the cultures that were taken nearly a month ago. FINALLY, I got to speak with the PA that saw me. She informed me that the culture for bacteria came back negative and the fungal culture was inconclusive *said it needed a few more days* but looked like it would be negative as well. I chatted with her briefly about the plan for the biopsy and her advice to me was to ask if I could try a steroid cream before having the biopsy done. Interestingly enough, I told her I had been on APNO for about a month after this issue started and had no improvement...at the time I did not know APNO contained a steroid but shouldn't she? Guess not...
So this just verified that I truly had tried everything to get this nipple healed. And it just was not happening...something is just not right with the nipple.
As I got ready for the biopsy on Wednesday night, I was really emotional...shocker. I just kept thinking about how difficult breastfeeding has been for me. Not one piece of it has been easy. From finding support, to having a good supply, needing to use shields, supplementing more than I wanted to, finding the tumors, a fissure starting, pumping blood, biopsies, etc...part of me was really feeling sorry for myself that it hasn't been so easy. Those that I know that have had a much easier time with BF make me very envious and those that could BF but decide not to make me a little angry, it all has been such an emotional time. But then I started to swell up with pride...
I made a decision many years ago to have a breast reduction. Even then I knew I wanted to BF but I still went through with it. Years later when motherhood became a reality and I was faced with another decision to make on how I was going to feed my child, I made the decision I would do whatever I could to do the best thing for my child. And the decision I made was to breastfeed. This decision has not been an easy road for me. I have had to advocate for myself and my wishes and trust my own instincts as a mother that I was doing the right thing and this struggle would be worth it. I have spent a great deal of time and money into making BF work for me, for us. I have had to swallow my pride and supplement even when I didn't want to because I knew I was not meeting Meatball's demands. I have learned how to differentiate between good and bad medical advice...medical advice that was given because it's easier for the doctor and advice that was given because the doctor truly has my and Meatball's best interest in mind. And with all of this BF roller coaster I have been on, I have still learned how to be a mom and build a strong, loving relationship with my son.
Early on, I could have taken the easy way out, given up, never looked back, and forgotten about my original desires to provide nutrition for my child. I could have, but I didn't. And for the first time ever, I really felt proud of myself for all I have done. I beamed knowing that I have had quite a journey to maintain , hell, even begin, this amazing nursing relationship with Meatball. And this relationship we have is something I will never forget...a bond stronger than I ever dreamed. No matter the outcome of this biopsy and where we go next with this nipple situation with Dr. P, I would cherish every since moment I have had nursing my little guy. And I pray that I can continue this relationship until he is ready to wean.
So, the biopsy hurt a lot less than I expected. Things went smoothly and quickly once the procedure got started. Dr. P talked me through the whole procedure so I knew what was going on. She was able to get a good sample of the abnormal cells since my nipple was so open. And after taking the sample, she didn't even need to stitch me because the tissue just fell back together. She warned me I would bleed for awhile and she showed me how to apply pressure if the bleeding was not stopping on its own. She advised me to pump for the rest of the day and maybe Friday depending on how I felt.
When I got home and I pumped throughout the day, I would get a lot of blood. I did a lot of pump and dump that day. On Friday am, I decided to try nursing Meatball while hubby was still here...and it went fine!! He nursed as normal all day Friday with no issues :)
So I go back on Wednesday am for the results. Dr. P will be out of town but L will be there for the appointment and to share the results and I guess we'll just go from there.
In the meantime, I will cherish every nursing session Meatball and I have. Even when I am really tired and he just nursed 30 minutes ago, I won't complain...and I will just be thankful that I have the opportunity...
Monday, August 8, 2011
A little unexpected news
Well, first things first...6 months ago today, I was blessed with the single most amazing thing I could ever ask for. My little Meatball is 6 months old today. He is such a happy, healthy, and easy going little guy. Every day, I fall more in love with him and am so thankful I have been blessed with such a wonderful child. He truly makes parenting "easy"...
Today also marks 3 months since the first bleeding episode. Along with this milestone, I had an appointment scheduled with Dr. P this morning to check in and make sure the tumor within my duct had not changed significantly.
The appointment went well. Meatball came along in case I needed an ultrasound, he would be there to empty my breast so that could be done. Things ran a little late and a little longer than expected.
Since I am still having occasional bleeding, Dr. P wanted to do an ultrasound to check on the tumor. All looked good with that. However, she is not at all pleased with the "situation" on my nipple. As she said, "This is no longer a fissure. This is an open sore and this is not ok."
I have tried everything under the sun to make this damn thing close. Short of ending my nursing relationship, I do not know what else can be done. Neither did she. So, her thoughts are we need to do a nipple biopsy and there's no reason to wait around to do this. It is scheduled for Thursday. :(
We spoke about what this entailed and what choices I have. Local or twilight anesthesia. In the end, she decided local is going to be best although I will not be able to get my breast completely numb. I will feel a great deal of the biopsy but she assures me it will be just a minute and I will need to just deal with the pain. She will use a small round drill to take out the tissue from the center of my nipple...which is already open. She likely won't even stitch it because it's already open and I am so used it it...
Another "problem" I am seeing with this biopsy is it might end my nursing relationship. I feel like I have been so lucky and worked so hard to beat the odds at this point...I have a sickening feeling this will be it. I am praying otherwise, but I just don't know how optimistic I can be right now.
And to top all of this off, I still have not paid her office for what I owe from the first biopsy. Add in the other appointments and now an additional biopsy - I have no idea how I/we can ever financially take care of the bill that I will be receiving from the office. It's going to be astronomical. But every time I ask about it and express my worries, I am told not to worry about it. I am told that it will be worked out. I called and asked if I could transfer to another office that is in my insurance providers and I was told not to. So I don't know what to think but I have a feeling in the pit of my tummy that there's going to be a bill left in my lap that I do not know how I will ever be able to afford.
I cannot believe I am going through these same worries and emotions all over again. I do not know if I can handle this. I have been so much stronger than I ever expected I could be...but just don't know if I can do this again...
And to end on a happy note: today, I get to celebrate 6 long, difficult months of loving my son and working so hard to give him one of the greatest gifts I could ever give him: breastmilk. I have worked so hard to reach this milestone. Every day and every ounce is a celebration still but 6 months is a BIG deal. Go me! And here's hoping I can make it another 6...God willing.
Today also marks 3 months since the first bleeding episode. Along with this milestone, I had an appointment scheduled with Dr. P this morning to check in and make sure the tumor within my duct had not changed significantly.
The appointment went well. Meatball came along in case I needed an ultrasound, he would be there to empty my breast so that could be done. Things ran a little late and a little longer than expected.
Since I am still having occasional bleeding, Dr. P wanted to do an ultrasound to check on the tumor. All looked good with that. However, she is not at all pleased with the "situation" on my nipple. As she said, "This is no longer a fissure. This is an open sore and this is not ok."
I have tried everything under the sun to make this damn thing close. Short of ending my nursing relationship, I do not know what else can be done. Neither did she. So, her thoughts are we need to do a nipple biopsy and there's no reason to wait around to do this. It is scheduled for Thursday. :(
We spoke about what this entailed and what choices I have. Local or twilight anesthesia. In the end, she decided local is going to be best although I will not be able to get my breast completely numb. I will feel a great deal of the biopsy but she assures me it will be just a minute and I will need to just deal with the pain. She will use a small round drill to take out the tissue from the center of my nipple...which is already open. She likely won't even stitch it because it's already open and I am so used it it...
Another "problem" I am seeing with this biopsy is it might end my nursing relationship. I feel like I have been so lucky and worked so hard to beat the odds at this point...I have a sickening feeling this will be it. I am praying otherwise, but I just don't know how optimistic I can be right now.
And to top all of this off, I still have not paid her office for what I owe from the first biopsy. Add in the other appointments and now an additional biopsy - I have no idea how I/we can ever financially take care of the bill that I will be receiving from the office. It's going to be astronomical. But every time I ask about it and express my worries, I am told not to worry about it. I am told that it will be worked out. I called and asked if I could transfer to another office that is in my insurance providers and I was told not to. So I don't know what to think but I have a feeling in the pit of my tummy that there's going to be a bill left in my lap that I do not know how I will ever be able to afford.
I cannot believe I am going through these same worries and emotions all over again. I do not know if I can handle this. I have been so much stronger than I ever expected I could be...but just don't know if I can do this again...
And to end on a happy note: today, I get to celebrate 6 long, difficult months of loving my son and working so hard to give him one of the greatest gifts I could ever give him: breastmilk. I have worked so hard to reach this milestone. Every day and every ounce is a celebration still but 6 months is a BIG deal. Go me! And here's hoping I can make it another 6...God willing.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Looky here!!
Meatball and I met a friend for breakfast the other morning. I nursed him before leaving and we were only gone for a few hours. We were back around 3 hours after Meatball's last feeding and I was expecting him to be hungry...
But he wasn't! He was napping! No way am I waking him up to nurse at this point...
But I needed to pump so bad! So I ran upstairs, hastily hooked myself up and pumped. I didn't get on the computer, I didn't start reading...I was just standing around pumping and massaging to get this milk out.
And boy did it come out! It kept coming and coming and coming...
6 ounces later!!
I have NEVER pumped 6 oz in one pump! I didn't know what to do! So I took a picture -
But he wasn't! He was napping! No way am I waking him up to nurse at this point...
But I needed to pump so bad! So I ran upstairs, hastily hooked myself up and pumped. I didn't get on the computer, I didn't start reading...I was just standing around pumping and massaging to get this milk out.
And boy did it come out! It kept coming and coming and coming...
6 ounces later!!
I have NEVER pumped 6 oz in one pump! I didn't know what to do! So I took a picture -
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