Finally some good news!!

Last week, I went in for a follow up ultrasound. Besides having to sit and wait the appointment went well!! Ultrasound shows the tumor ad "stable" and hasn't changed in size or shape. I was very relieved to hear this!!

Today I go see dr. P to follow up with her and see what should be done :)

On a side note, insurance is supposed to provide me with a response to my appeal today. Today is their due date. Interested to see what will happen. Wil I have to fight or will they just cover it all? Well see!

I'm going to make sure it all gets covered no matter how long it takes. So they might as well just agree. :)

Looks like I might be closing shop soon!!

With the little amount of milk I am making now it might actually be possible for me to stretch out more time between pumps without being affected. If that can happen it looks like well be saying bye bye to the Bo Bo.

Right now I am finishing up the Dom with 1 pill three times a day. Shockingly when I first dropped my supply wasn't affected too much. But at this point I am only bringing hope about 4 ounces from pumping at work. That's pathetic.

Meatball is so good about taking new foods and such. He has transitioned well into drinking whole milk and almond milk along with the breast milk. So he has a little bit of all of it throughout the day. Even if he can have just a couple ounces of BM a day that would be awesome.

Ideally I would love to quit pumping and just maintain am and pm nursing. Even if just for a little bit. Not sure I am ready to take nursing away from this kid. He loves it. Like so much so I could see him not wanting to wean off...ever. DH made a joke the other night I would need to pump for him to go to prom....hahaha...ha?

I am so thankful for what I have been given and been able to give to meatball. I am so appreciative I defies the odds and proved so many wrong. I am so blessed to have had some amazing support to cheer me along the way to make it happen. And I may not have loved every minute of this journey but I can look back fondly and feel proud.

I think my success may have been defined...

Dwindle away

It's what my supply is doing. Yesterday I brought home like 5 ounces. Total. For the whole day. And when I pumped last night I only got 2.5 oz. I am pumping again this am and I am shocked at how pathetic my output it.

It's time to wean but I feel guilty bring the one that leads it. I feel guilty dropping my Dom dose again and seeing my ounces plummet even more.

Wish I could make myself feel like I did a good job and leave it at that but there's still many reasons I critique myself and what I did and what I could do differently. It'll never end.

I was able to provide BM to meatball for at least a year. I never ebf but I did a pretty good job. I need to be proud of myself. Sure wish I could make myself feel that :(

Weaning off the Dom

It's been almost a week of my taking 1 less pill each dose. And since joining Weight Watchers.

So far, my supply has stayed the same!! SHOCKING!! I am still pumping the same amount and I need to start thinking about how to wean one pumping session at work. I am not really sure how to do that but it needs to start happening. I am going to keep my lunch pumping session for now but I would really like to drop the morning. We'll see how that goes.

For now, cutting the meds and the calories have not tanked my supply...

Fingers crossed!! I'd love to nurse as long as Meatball wants to :)

Once there were 9...

And then there were 6.

Officially down to 6 pills of Domperidone a day compared to the 9 I have been taking for so long now. I thought my day of weaning would make me sad but it has not. It's been a busy day for my little Meatball and me.

I had planned to take this day off forever. I knew I would not be able to concentrate at work so it made sense just to make the day about us. I put him to bed last night for the last time as a baby. And then he work up at 11:30 screaming. Meatball screamed and cried all night long until 4:30. He would take short breaks in between to nap and then wake up picking up right where he left off.

He finally crashed around 5 am and slept until 11 am in my arms. He nursed on and off all night long and that was the only thing that would soothe him.

For the past year, nursing has always been the only thing that would always soothe him. Soothes hunger, sadness, pain, fear, everything. It's the go to when something needs to be fixed.

I cannot imagine what life will be like without nursing. I don't want to find out but I am pretty sure I will find out real soon.

In addition to cutting the Dom, I am also beginning Weight Watchers. On the first day, I noticed a change in my pumping right away but so far seems to be back to normal.

So I have made it a year. This blog serves as a record of my journey up my mountain to reach my goal. And now that I have reached it, I am not sure how to let go and move on. I don't think I can. Quitting our nursing relationship is going to be extremely challenging for me. I can feel the tears starting to well up...

He's almost a year...

-and you're STILL breastfeeding?
-so when do you think you'll stop nursing him?
-don't you think he's getting a little big to nurse?
-so when will you give him real milk?
-so shouldn't he just be drinking water?

These are just a few comments I hear when others see my nurse my 11 month old son. I do not think they are said to be rude or mean but rather ignorance.

It's sad to me that at 11 months, I am considered to be an extended breastfeeder. 11 months. Meatball is still a baby. He is not even supposed to have whole milk until 1 year. However, so many moms don't make it to the year mark that nursing past the child getting teeth or that squirmy phase is a little less common.

When these comments are said to me, I get uncomfortable. Not because I am not armed with statistics that prove breastfeeding is one of the greatest gifts I could ever give to Meatball and not just to a year but benefits are shown with continued breastfeeding through 2  years but because not everyone knows what I have done to get here. Not only have I made it to my goal *shy a couple of weeks but we'll say I have made it so far* but that I have defied the odds as a BFAR mom. Not many know what I have gone through in the past year and why this relationship is so amazing to me.

I have been so apprehensive about sharing this blog. I have said it many times...breastfeeding and this journey has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my life. And that says a lot coming from a girl that put herself through undergrad and graduate school. This blog contains my emotions and lowest points through this journey...some of the lowest in my life. This blog shows my weaknesses...not something I like to share.

But the entire purpose of me blogging my BFAR adventure was to share with others. To give other BFAR moms hope. To give other BFAR moms motivation. To give other BFAR moms a connection...something I felt like I truly needed when I started my BFAR relationship.

Soon I think I will be ready to share my past year with others. Not sure it'll be helpful at all but deep down, I hope it helps at least one BFAR mom. If I can support at least one BFAR mom in her journey, then all of this blogging will prove to be worthwhile.

But in the meantime, I'm ok with this little piece of me hiding in the depths of the Internet.

Mooooooo!!!

Not sure where this came from. I nursed at 730 am and just pumped. 2 hours later and I got 3.5 oz!! Pathetic to some...amazing to me!!

Come on boobies!!! Let's keep working!!